Autism Acceptance Month: My Journey

 

Happy Autism Acceptance Month. Over the course of this month my blog will be focusing on Autism. This is my first Autism Acceptance Month after realizing I am Autistic so there will be several posts on the topic over the course of the month. I also plan on discussing an autism based book each Friday like I did for Black History Month. 

Lets start at the beginning ... 

Last June I briefly talked to a therapist (I think we had 3 sessions) and they suggested I was autistic. I had considered it the year before when Wentworth Miller announced his autism but for reasons I decided the label did not fit. Once I had a therapist suggest I could be autistic I saw that I might belong in the neurodivergent/autism community. 

While at the time I just thought it was something cool to learn about myself, and though I processed it all after about a week and one blog post (yes yes yes I know how silly that sounds.) In truth I have been slowly processing the news over the past year and probably will to some degree for the rest of my life. Below is some of that processing.

June 2022: 

I wrote a blog post called The Process Of Recontextualizing Myself  in June of 2022 which I started to process the label of being Autistic. Below are some selections from that post.  

Recently I have been recontextualizing my life. Rethinking my past experiences and how those experiences have impacted my life in the past, present, and future.  

I am in this process of recontextualizing because I was talking to a therapist last week and they suggested I could be on the spectrum. Which was interesting since I explored that idea last summer when my Wentworth Miller shared his autism diagnose but I did not feel like I could claim that identity/label because:

• I could not check off enough boxes on online self-diagnosis tests.
• I already share two identities/labels with Wentworth (LGBTQ+ and having had mental health challenges) so claiming a third felt like I was a bit greedy/ thinking maybe the reason that being on the spectrum seems like a possibility was just because I wanted to have more in common with Wentworth.
• When I think autism I think of really cool people like Alan Turin, some portrayals of Sherlock Holmes, Wentworth Miller and various fanfiction versions of the Legends of Tomorrow so I really did not think I was cool enough to have autism
• Probably most importantly -- I know that individuals in various communities are wary of others claiming an identity just because it becomes trendy.  

There are many traits I have, experiences I have had, and ways of seeing the world that I am realizing are common with the wider neurodivergent/neurodiverse communities. So claiming a possible neurodivergence feels ok, even if it would take a while and a lot more exploration before I would feel comfortable using say the language of having autism because again I don't want to claim an identity/label just because it is trendy or cool.

July 2022:

I wrote a blog post called Removing Masks/UnGatekeeping Myself  in July of 2022 after starting to read "Unmasking Autism" by Dr Devon Price. Below are some selections from that post. 

I am working though the wonderful book "Unmasking Autism" by Dr Devon Price. One line that stood out to me comes from pg. 87

If Autism-friendly resources and adaptations prove helpful to you, that's another key signal you belong in our space, or at the very least have a great deal in common with us

This has made me wrestle with all the ways I have gatekept myself over the years. There are many communities where I have always felt a bit of an outsider or where I did not completely belong/fit within even if on paper that should not have been the case. That I was "Not The Same", that I was "Waving Through a Window" or that I was "Going through the motions."

Typically the spaces I have most felt like I belonged in were fictional in nature such as currently with my adorable band of misfits called The Legends Of Tomorrow or Aziraphale or Crowley or Sherlock or ... all who I typically hang out with in fanfiction universes, fanvid universes, or daydream universes. 

When it has come to non-fictional communities I think on some deep level that I was not aware of I knew that even if on paper I fit I was still seeing the world differently than others which made me doubt if I really belonged or if I was just trespassing in someone else's community. 

And truth be told most communities use too many "ALL of us think/believe/do fill in the blank" language. So when I enjoyed the community but did not think/believe/do fill in the blank I was worried this meant that I was trespassing on someone else's sacred ground.

I knew parts of myself but I did not have the whole picture for who I was so saw any not understanding the social context of the group as really meaning I was not part of the group or at that I should not have been part of the group in the first place.

March 2023:

I wrote a blog post Am I Disabled? Intersections Of Neurodivergence and Disability? in March of 2023 where I started to explore these intersections. Below are some selections from that post. 

To be honest I was not paying attention that March was Disability Awareness Month until a local family owned bookstore put up a display for Disability Awareness Month and it happened to include a wide selection of books around neurodiversity including autism which confused me a bit since I knew that National Autism Awareness Month was not until April, and I was not sure why neurodiversity would be part of the Disability Awareness Month display.

Which brings us to the question am I disabled? 

According to the CDC Autism spectrum disorder (ASD) is a developmental disability that can cause significant social, communication and behavioral challenges. (emphasis added)

But that does not answer my question or at least does not answer if I feel disabled. I think there are a number of reasons that I struggle to claim an identity of disability while I do not have that challenge when it comes to an identity of neurodivergence or an LGBTQ+ identity.  

I think the most important ones are

a) I am new to my autistic identity so I have been functioning for my whole life up to this point and personally saying that means I was disabled even though I did not know it is hard for me to wrap my head around. 

b) While self-diagnosis in the adult autism community is widely accepted because there are many barriers to formal diagnosis as an adult being self-diagnosis makes me feel like I should not be taking from the very limited pie of resources available for those who are disabled. 

c) I am guessing there is a dose of internalized Ableism in my thoughts that since I have low support needs, those support needs are less important/less worthy of being named a disability. The thought patterns that since I can function without high support levels that must mean I am not disabled because my internalized Ableism says only high support needs count. 

Personally I am still wrestling with the question: Am I disabled? I am also wrestling with:

• What supports/accommodations would be useful?
• Where have a needed supports but since I did not know I needed them/to ask for them just decided something was not for me or that I was bad at something and quickly moved on to something else?
• In what ways have I been disabled through out my life?
• When a therapist suggested I was autistic, and I later self diagnosed, it felt like a smooth transition that did not involve that much processing, autism just became my new special interest LOL. Now about 9 months later I am realizing I am not sure if I processed enough at the start and think I still have more to process

Autism Acceptance Month 2023:

I am still clearly unpacking what being neurodivergent/autistic means to me, how it has shaped me, and how it will shape me moving forward. This month I am focusing on exploring Autism and every day plan of doing one Autism related activity (honestly most days will be listening to various podcasts by neurodivergent creators, reading books etc.) I will record some of my thoughts around autism here in this blog over the course of the month. Happy Autism Acceptance Month Everyone.