Adventures Of A Dreaming Ace
Creative Musings On The Intersections Of Story, Fandom, And Life
Friday, April 12, 2024
Fantastic, Amazing, Wonderful Libraries
Monday, April 8, 2024
Solar Eclipse 2024
Wednesday, April 3, 2024
Overview of My Personal Wibbly Wobbly Autistic Journey.
Since clearly Wentworth Miller and Captain Cold are a few of my many special interests (I personally like the term special interests and use it, but recognize that some others who are autistic disagree because they think the term carries baggage), when Wentworth stated that he was autistic, I jumped online and took a range of free "autism tests" online.
Because of how literally I was reading the questions and the fact that I had been unknowingly masking for my entire life, I tended not to have enough "points" according to these tests. It is important to point out that many autism tests were written with cisgendered white boys in mind and therefore can be easily misinterpreted by those of us with different identities.
In addition, part of me felt it would be too greedy to have three identities in common with Wentworth (the other two are being part of the LGBTQA+ community and having had struggles with mental health). So while I connected to much of what Wentworth said was his experience of being autistic, I did not think being autistic was an identity that applied to me.
Yes, I know saying I was not autistic because it would mean I had too much in common with my parasocial best friend Wentworth sounds odd. Oh, brains can be very creative sometimes. Or, in the words of Leo McGarry, welcome to my world.
Stage 3: Deep Dive Part 1 (Summer 2021-Today)
While I didn't think I counted as being autistic, it became a special interest. I started by reading as many fanfiction stories with autistic characters or characters who were otherwise neurodivergent as I could. Because when there is a concept, especially an identity, I want more information on, I tend to reach out to my closest friends, aka fanfiction. (Same place I had already been going for wonderful Ace works as well as mental health-focused works.)
Stage 4: Maybe I Really Am Autistic or Neurodivergent (Summer 2022)
I saw a therapist very briefly in the summer of 2022 (for about 3 sessions in total), and at my second appointment, they suggested that I might be autistic. (Full disclosure: in the first session, they suggested that I might have an extremely high IQ, so they probably are not the most reliable LOL)
At this point, I did some more thinking, went, Oh, ok, I guess I really am autistic, and wrote a quick blog post, The Process Of Recontextualizing Myself, at which point my therapist was like, Sounds good, you are all set. You don't need any more therapy.
Note to that therapist: giving someone even an informal diagnosis of neurodivergences should really be the starting point, not the end point of that conversation. Also, that therapist was odd because they didn't like the term therapy, not that they said what term they preferred. I ended up writing a blog post about that too: What Is Therapy?
Stage 5: Deep Dive Part 2 (Summer 2022-Today)
This time on top of fanfiction I also read a bunch of books written by people who are autistic.
Stage 6: Removing Masks/UnGatekeeping Myself (July 2022)
This was a period where I started to think more about how being autistic might have impacted my relationships with other people and communities. Some excerpts from a blog post on the topic are below:
Typically the spaces I have most felt like I belonged in were fictional in nature such as currently with my adorable band of misfits called The Legends Of Tomorrow or Aziraphale or Crowley or Sherlock or ... all who I typically hang out with in fanfiction universes, fanvid universes, or daydream universes.
When it has come to non-fictional communities I think on some deep level that I was not aware of I knew that even if on paper I fit I was still seeing the world differently than others which made me doubt if I really belonged or if I was just trespassing in someone else's community.
I knew parts of myself but I did not have the whole picture for who I was so saw any not understanding the social context of the group as really meaning I was not part of the group or at that I should not have been part of the group in the first place.
Stage 7: #ThreeAvenuesBookshopMagic (November 2022-Today)
In what might sound like unrelated news, in November 2022, a new bookstore opened nearby. Three Avenues Bookshop is a wonderful family-owned bookstore that centers disabled and neurodivergent voices in addition to queer and BIPOC voices.
While, for example, mental health was a common topic in my social circles, so I knew lots of people who also had mental health challenges, I did not personally know as many people who were autistic or were otherwise neurodivergent. (I mean, I love Wentworth, but I don't actually know him outside my imagination.) In addition, I had imposter syndrome because I knew it was unlikely I would ever get a formal diagnosis for cost and other reasons.
Honestly, how I remember it, it was sometime during disability awareness month in spring 2023, and they had a wonderful display of books on disability, including neurodivergence. I complimented them for having a section that included autistic voices, and we got to talking.
Three Avenues was also probably one of the first spaces where I felt like I could honestly claim my autistic identity in a meaningful way. Like I was not trespassing on someone else's holy ground. In addition Three Avenues is wonderful because they fully support self-identification understanding the various hurdles to formal diagnoses. I never felt like I had to have proof of my identity.
Stage 8: Deep Dive Part 3 (Summer 2023)
When I went home during the summer of 2023 I was able to read several of my report cards from preschool and elementary school. These were very insightful and had language that showed I have always been autistic even though they did not use that word. This was important so I knew I was fundamentally autistic and I was not just mirroring others who were.
Stage 9: Integrating the Past/Moving Into the Future (Present)
So at this point, I am comfortable saying I am autistic and have integrated that into my life, but I am still working on how to take that information and be able to thrive, not just survive. I also think I am still working through autistic burnout, which makes some long-term planning more challenging.
Tuesday, April 2, 2024
Autism Awareness 101: What To Avoid
Today is World Autism Awareness Day. The challenge is that if you do a quick Google search, you will most likely come across outdated and problematic information about autism.
Note: Like almost everything that has to do with autism, what is considered problematic or outdated will depend on the individual. Someone who is autistic can choose whatever language, symbols, and concepts work for them.
While ABA is considered the “gold standard” of care for autistic people in the United States and many other countries globally, many people feel that ABA is abusive and harmful. For example, ABA is related to gay conversion therapy and teaches children to stop their self-regulating behaviors. While in ABA, children are not allowed to say “no” or refuse any part of the program, which raises concerns about the importance of teaching children consent. In addition, studies show an increased rate of PTSD in autistics that have been involved in ABA.
Autism Speaks
Sadly, "Autism Speaks" is probably the best-known autism organization based in the United States, but it is also very problematic. Historically, it has been very fear-based and very cure-based (trying to cure autism makes about as much sense as saying you want to cure tallness because if you are tall, you might hit your head more often). Today, it is still problematic in its support of ABA (see above) and not centering the voices of those who are autistic but instead centering the parents of those who are autistic. "Autism Speaks" is known for speaking over the voices of those who are autistic.
Puzzle Piece:
The puzzle piece has a history of being associated with ableist groups claiming to act for the benefit of autistic people. The biggest problem with the puzzle piece logo is that it implies that there is something missing and that autistic people are somehow incomplete. Another problem with the puzzle piece is how infantilizing it is. Puzzles are toys associated with children. Although adults also enjoy them and should be able to, it’s unhelpful to use childish imagery for autism. Autistic people are already infantilized enough, and a common complaint of autistic adults is that we are treated like children.
Monday, April 1, 2024
Autism Acceptance and Poetry Month
Monday, March 25, 2024
Reflections On My Connections To Gender
In yesterdays post I covered my relationship to disability and disability communities after reading Care Work Dreaming Disability Justice by Leah Piepzna-Samarasinha.
In that post I said I would share my relationship to other identities throughout this week. Today I am exploring my relationship gender.
Who is a woman?
Because of my intersectionality, I have a very inclusive understanding of gender. Honestly, as someone who is Ace-Aro, I don't care at all about what reproductive organs someone has or does not have. I feel like reproductive organs have little to no impact on me personally.
Who is a woman? Anyone who considers themselves a woman, so trans women are 100% women in my book, and in some ways, I would say they are more "woman" than many cis-gendered women because they have had to be more thoughtful about gender and their relationship to gender.
You can see some of this in some of my previous posts this month highlighting women for Women's History Month. I worked to make sure I included many wonderful Trans women because they are key figures in women's history.
What is my relationship to my gender?
Considering I identify as a cis-gendered woman and use She/Hers/Any pronouns, my relationship with my own gender is complex. Identifying as a cis-gendered woman feels more like I never got around to or never bothered to change my factory settings because they work well enough.
I will say in my own head that everyone's default pronouns are they/them, and I love individuals and groups that basically use they/them for everyone, including me. While I love they/them pronouns, I also often doubt I am cool enough to use them, so I have defaulted to She/Hers/Any.
While I identify as a cis-gendered woman, my connection to that identity is much weaker than to many of my other identities. So while I will check the cis-gendered woman box on forms, etc., I would not say I particularly "feel like a woman."
What is my relationship to gender in communities?
In many ways, I tend to be more comfortable in mixed-gender or nerdy queer neurodivergent male-centered spaces than I am in predominantly female-centered spaces. Most of my deepest parasocial relationships and connections happen to be with characters who happen to be male but are some combination of nerdy, queer, neurodivergent, or struggling with mental health challenges.
I think part of this is because I more strongly connect with parts of my identity, such as being an aro-ace, self-identified autistic person with few support needs who has struggled with mental health challenges, than I do as a "woman." So spaces and communities that center being nerdy, queer, neurodivergent, or having mental health struggles feel more welcoming.
In addition, spaces and communities that center on being nerdy, queer, neurodivergent, or having mental health struggles make more sense to me. I feel like I have a better awareness and understanding of the assumptions being made within those spaces.
What is my relationship to gender in woman-centered spaces?
Over the years, I have been in some women-centered groups* where I struggled to feel like I belonged because there was an assumed baseline that I either didn't personally experience or was not aware of. I have been in some such spaces that seem to be focused on how hard it is to be a woman, which has rarely been the personal experience I have been aware of.
For example, years ago I once went to a women's retreat, and I struggled because it felt like it was centered on how hard it was to be a woman and a desire to talk about feelings. At one point, the retreat leadership put down a retreat that the men had done, which was activity-based and more scheduled programming, and I remember thinking, "But I think I would have enjoyed that retreat better."
I am also now aware that some of this tension may have been more centered on my, at that time unknown to me, neurodivergence than my actual relationship with gender, but it is still true that I did not feel comfortable in these woman-centered spaces because my own experiences have been so different and I found the baseline assumptions in these groups to be confusing.
Gender, Relationships, and Community
In summary, I identify as a cis-gendered woman whose pronouns are She/Hers/Any but I don't feel a deep connection to that identity nor to spaces that center that experience. I tend to be drawn to characters, communities, and connections with spaces that center being nerdy, queer, neurodivergent, or having mental health struggles.
*Groups that are intentionally women-centered: if I go to a book club and everyone happens to be women, that feels different because it is a book-centered space; the same is true if, say, a panel on how to write women characters has only women panelists; the writing process is what is being centered.
Sunday, March 24, 2024
Reflections: Care Work Dreaming Disability Justice
While the disability rights movement has tended to be led by middle-class white people—and particularly white men—disability justice, from its inception, has been created and led by QTBIPOC, and it aims to center and support them. As Piepzna-Samarasinha says, “Disability justice [is] a movement-building framework, not an academic theory. And if you say what you’re doing is DJ and it doesn’t center disabled Black and brown people, it’s not disability justice.”
Note: I am a white, cis-gendered, aro-ace, self-identified autistic woman with few support needs who has struggled with mental health challenges. I will go into my relationship with all those identifiers in later blog posts this week, but for now, I am going to take a bigger picture view of how I see myself in relation to disability.
One question I have been thinking about is: What is my role in movements that should 100% center communities that are not my own? This is not the first time I have thought about this (for example, I happen to attend a predominantly Black LGBTQA+ congregation that centers the critically needed Black LGBTQA+ experience in its spaces), but I still don't have an answer.
Personally, I struggle with holding space for two truths to be true at the same time.
Truth #1 Piepzna-Samarasinha draws the umbrella of disability very wide to include everything from visible disabilities to neurodivergence to mental health struggles and the idea that everyone ends up disabled at some point in their lives as they grow older and have mobility issues, sensory issues, etc., so I would clearly be classified as disabled.
Truth #2 Piepzna-Samarasinha states 100% correctly that the disability justice movement should center the experiences of QTBIPOC (Queer and Trans BIPOC), which means that as a white, cis-gendered queer woman, I feel like I can be an ally or accomplice and help uplift the voices of QTBIPOC, but that I "should" not count as disabled, aka I don't feel like I quite belong because I metaphorically don't have enough disability points.
For the vast majority of my life, I knew I saw the world differently from many others, but I internalized that as just me seeing the world differently, not considering or being aware that my way of seeing the world could be named and could be labeled a disability. As a permanent sign at Three Avenues says, "disability is not a bad word," but because of my internalized ablism, I struggle with identifying with the label disability or feeling like I belong within or should be part of a disability justice movement outside of the role of an accomplice.
I have explored feeling disconnected from communities or identities in a recent blog post, What Would You Call The Chapters Of Your Life?. I know I am not alone in such complicated feelings around community, belonging, and identity.
For example, Wentworth Miller once said, “I’ve had a complicated relationship with that word, ‘community.” when speaking about mental health, suicidal ideation, and being gay.
In some ways, my relationship with disability and the disability community is similar but not exactly like James Baldwin view in an interview for The Village Voice about being Gay:
Baldwin: Well, first of all I feel like a stranger in America from almost every conceivable angle except, oddly enough, as a black person. The word gay has always rubbed me the wrong way. I never understood exactly what is meant by it. I don’t want to sound distant or patronizing because I don’t really feel that. I simply feel it’s a world that has little to do with me, with where I did my growing up. I was never at home in it.
I would say personally that I have yet to feel at home with the identity of being disabled. I feel much more at home with a neurodivergent, mental health, or LGBTQA+ identity than I do with a disability identity. Again, it probably is a combination of ablism and the fact that I have yet to learn how to dream myself into a disability identity.
But since I don't feel at home with the identity of being disabled, I would generally not identify myself as disabled, which means I struggle to be able to see ways that my other identities make it more difficult for me to do certain activities or have equitable access. I have learned ways to mask so well that I honestly struggle to see when I am struggling beyond a baseline, "everyone struggles in life" level.
I think I need to spend more time reflecting and dreaming within a disability framework if I am to learn to really thrive. I also am aware such reflection and dreaming will not be easy for me.