My 1st Autism Acceptance Month: What I Learned About Myself

 

This was my first Autism Acceptance Month after being self-diagnosed so of course I jumped right in. Every day I tried to do something related to being autistic. This ended up being listening to lots of podcasts, reading lots of books, and watching a ted talk or two on the topic. 

Some of my personal lessons from this month:

I realized that while I may have thought I accepted myself being autistic I still have a lot of processing to do. At a certain point this month I realized I needed a break from nonfiction books and started to read some novels with autistic characters. I found on several occasions I started crying for no apparent reason while reading these stories. I think this means I still have to process who I am as an autistic assigned female at birth individual. I think on some level I am still mourning who I could have been if I knew who I was sooner and on another level anxious about having to figure out who I am now that I have that knowledge.

I think I would now go through the process of being formally diagnosed as autistic if I ever find a lost treasure or other riches. Until then it is not going to happen but being formally diagnosed was life changing for many of the people I listened to (or read about) this month. I started the month with a why would I ever go though the long and arduous process of diagnosis as an adult who has managed so far. Now I think I would be interested in going through the steps for formal diagnosis. (Anyone know anyone doing pro bono formal autism assessments for adult women? LOL) 

No matter how much I wished it my first autism acceptance month was not magical, i.e. did not magically mean I had processed everything I needed to,  that I felt 100% comfortable with my past, or that I 100% knew what I wanted my future to look like. I still have a lot of books out from the library and lots on reserve so I will continue this exploration even though April is coming to a close. 

Who was I? Who am I? Who could I become? Are questions with no easy answers.