The Process Of Recontextualizing Myself

Recently I have been recontextualizing my life. Rethinking my past experiences and how those experiences have impacted my life in the past, present, and future.  

I am in this process of recontextualizing because I was talking to a therapist last week and they suggested I could be on the spectrum. Which was interesting since I explored that idea last summer when my Wentworth Miller shared his autism diagnose but I did not feel like I could claim that identity/label because:

• I could not check off enough boxes on online self-diagnosis tests.
• I already share two identities/labels with Wentworth (LGBTQ+ and having had mental health challenges) so claiming a third felt like I was a bit greedy/ thinking maybe the reason that being on the spectrum seems like a possibility was just because I wanted to have more in common with Wentworth.
• When I think autism I think of really cool people like Alan Turin, some portrayals of Sherlock Holmes, Wentworth Miller and various fanfiction versions of the Legends of Tomorrow so I really did not think I was cool enough to have autism
• Probably most importantly -- I know that individuals in various communities are wary of others claiming an identity just because it becomes trendy.  

It was still interesting to have a therapist suggest I could be on the spectrum and I found my exploration this time around is different because I feel like maybe I could be cool enough to count. 

After talking it through with my roommate of over a decade I am getting more comfortable with thinking about using neurodivergent/neurodiversity language in relation to myself. At least as a good working hypotheses for the near future. 

There are many traits I have, experiences I have had, and ways of seeing the world that I am realizing are common with the wider neurodivergent/neurodiverse communities. So claiming a possible neurodivergence feels ok, even if it would take a while and a lot more exploration before I would feel comfortable using say the language of having autism because again I don't want to claim an identity/label just because it is trendy or cool.

(And a small rant there is not enough written about the experience of adult women who might be on the spectrum, the check lists/tests are not designed for us (typically designed for young male identified/socialized* individuals). There is not much research done on how it is expressed in adult identified/socialized* women so it is messy and a pain in the neck. Dear researchers Do More Diverse Research Bah Humbug)  

One other thing of note is for women identified/socialized* individuals one trait that makes identification more challenging is "masking." Masking (or camouflaging) is often used to describe the artificial performance of social behaviors that are seen as more socially acceptable in a neurotypical society.  

I see this as a possibility in the way that I take on the interests of the people or characters who I am currently hyper focused on. 

• When it was Lin-Manuel Miranda it was Puerto Rico,
• When it was Pete and Chasten Buttigieg it was politics,
• Now that it is Wentworth Miller/Captain Cold it is Mental health (and now neurodiversity)

Their interests become my interests and I can struggle to understand when an interest is mine vs. when an interest is really someone else's that I am just borrowing. 

Masking in general also could explain why it is harder for me to socialize right now then it was in the before times (before Covid) since I have had two years of limited in person social contact (outside my roommates) and most has been masked grocery store level interactions. So my being social muscle has atrophied. 

*I am saying identified/socialized since while there is limited research around female identified individuals there is super super super limited research (if there is any) when it comes to say trans women, trans men, nonbinary, gender nonconforming … and understanding the different expressions of the spectrum when it comes to gender is complicated, How much is really based on gender? How much is based on socialization? How much is based on gender expectations? … )

Moving Forward As I Am Processing Recontextualizing Myself

• I am currently comfortable claiming a possible neurodivergent/neurodiverse identity because that feels like an umbrella term that covers my experiences even if particular sub-identities don't always feel like they fit right now.
• I am going to continue to process and research neurodivergent/neurodiverse identities both in terms of real life experiences as well as fanfiction/fan interpretation of characters experiences
• While exploring neurodiversity is giving me a good amount of food for thought I don't see it greatly impacting how I live my life other than changing some of my internal language and leaning into a few things I already do.
• Instead of thinking people are just being to peoply right now or I am socialized out, I might think in terms of being over stimulated.
• Right now needing to have my Captain Cold POP figure with me whenever I go out and do stuff especially if I will be dealing with people
• I will work to have the amazing communities  I am part of (such as my faith community) that already openly and freely talk about issues such as mental health or going to therapy, start to add neurodiversity as another topic we speak openly about.
• Having people talk about being neurodivergent/experiences with neurodivergence
• Simply sharing how each of our brains are working/seeing a situation differently. 
• Reminding people what might be an easy task for one person might be a real challenge for someone else.
• I will work harder to speak up/take up space since I realize what ever I am experiencing in a situation is likely being experienced by others too or is an experience that can be uplifted in order to make sure my communities are more radically inclusive of all people. (This means expressing my own views and in no way speaking for or on behalf of anyone else let alone any other communities) 
• For example I am an white accomplice who is part of a Black LGBTQ+ Justice Faith Centered organization which has a wide range of events but is not always crystal clear at communicating on which are open to everyone (including accomplices), which ones are open to everyone (but are assuming mainly only the Black LGBTQ+ community is really going to show up), and which are spaces being created just for the Black LGBTQ+ community. While I can often figure it out, since understanding social cues is not always my strength, I am not always sure I am reading the situation right and would love for some more standardized language, which would be helpful for me, and anyone else who sometimes gets confused by social cues.