
At the end of May, I finally stayed somewhere with HBO and was able to watch the comedy "Our Flag Means Death." As I have been reading lots of fanfiction and watching many great conversations with the cast, I have been thinking about how we all contain multitudes, multitudes of identities, and our relationships with those identities can be fluid. (For example in my poem below Blackbeard, Ed, and The Kraken are all different identities of the same character)
Even if we never actually become pirates, we all contain multitudes of versions of ourselves over the many seasons of our lives. It can be fascinating to explore who we have been, who we currently are, and who we might want to be in the future.
This month I am going to explore my relationship to being ace, aro, neurodivergent, and disabled. Some of those are core fundamental identities, some are what might be called placeholder identities, and some are more situational identities.
I started my May blog series, The Power of Sharing Mental Health Stories, by sharing a Wentworth Miller post, and this month I am starting this blog series by sharing another of his recent posts, which was the inspiration for some deeper reflection.
There is a video online of a woman making dumplings, careful rows of delicious-looking bites. As she works, she speaks of teaching her daughters the culinary techniques she learned from her mother... who learned from her mother... This person seemed (to me) to cherish their place on a continuum of tradition/customs/rituals stretching back centuries, framing and informing a deep, deeply detailed sense of self. Bedrock on which to stand.
Identity can be a gift...
There is a video online of someone selling themselves as a "proud (fill in the blank)." This person seemed (to me) less person than persona, a performer unaware of the performance. As if they'd bought the hat/tee/tote, memorized the lingo/choreo and you imagined, if you spent an hour in their company, every word would be about their experience as a "proud (fill in the blank)." Like watching a parade in a cul-de-sac... On the march, going nowhere.
Identity can be a trap...
Or a closet full of coats, collecting dust. "Michael." "Leonard." "Celebrity." "Mental Health Something-or-other." (Much of this is seasonal wear, as it turns out.) Here's "Princeton," a scratchy tweed in the wrong size. Handsome tho.
At the back, a row of hand-me-downs looking worse for wear. "Wentworth." My best-rehearsed and most convincing (?) role, written/directed/produced by a man in authority who told me where to stand/what to say/how to say it. A long line of suits-cum-straitjackets, pits stained and pockets stuffed with sh-t lessons and values I spent decades voiding out...
I considered changing it once (that name), even downloaded legal docs. But every alt. felt similarly forced and ill-fitting, like pouring a lake into a shot glass, switching out one costume for another. "Coleman Silk" for "Captain Cold."
The truth is when I'm by myself and most myself, I don't have a name. I just am.
Before venturing out into the world I pull one of these coats from the rack, shuffle into it - tight in the shoulders, elbows shot - because we're expected to answer to something.








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