Removing Masks/UnGatekeeping Myself

I am working though the wonderful book "Unmasking Autism" by Dr Devon Price. One line that stood out to me comes from pg. 87

If Autism-friendly resources and adaptations prove helpful to you, that's another key signal you belong in our space, or at the very least have a great deal in common with us

This has made me wrestle with all the ways I have gatekept myself over the years. There are many communities where I have always felt a bit of an outsider or where I did not completely belong/fit within even if on paper that should not have been the case. That I was "Not The Same", that I was "Waving Through a Window" or that I was "Going through the motions."

Typically the spaces I have most felt like I belonged in were fictional in nature such as currently with my adorable band of misfits called The Legends Of Tomorrow or Aziraphale or Crowley or Sherlock or ... all who I typically hang out with in fanfiction universes, fanvid universes, or daydream universes. 

When it has come to non-fictional communities I think on some deep level that I was not aware of I knew that even if on paper I fit I was still seeing the world differently than others which made me doubt if I really belonged or if I was just trespassing in someone else's community. 

And truth be told most communities use too many "ALL of us think/believe/do fill in the blank" language. So when I enjoyed the community but did not think/believe/do fill in the blank I was worried this meant that I was trespassing on someone else's sacred ground.

I knew parts of myself but I did not have the whole picture for who I was so saw any not understanding the social context of the group as really meaning I was not part of the group or at that I should not have been part of the group in the first place.

I have started to personally use an ice cream analogy when thinking about autism traits since many people have noted a spectrum is often imagined as between a binary whereas autism is more a multiverse of experiences.  

While some people always think of vanilla or chocolate when some says ice cream there are so many variations on those themes. I mean which of the following chocolate based ice cream is most "ice cream like" not which you enjoy the most but which counts most as ice cream: 

Chocolate

Rocky Road

Fudge Ripple

Mint Chocolate Chip

Death By Chocolate

 

Many of the groups/communities I have been part of did not and do not always feel like a perfect fit because they only mirror parts of myself. Continuing with the imperfect ice cream metaphor: 

I am Rocky Road Ice Cream and while I have commonalities with the marshmallow community, and the nuts community, and the fudge swirl community, and the more general frozen desserts community (that also includes say frozen yogurt or fruit pops) until I realize that I am Rocky Road Ice Cream I am always going to not know what is expected of me in marshmallow, nut, or general frozen dessert communities. 

So I am trying to learn how to unmask and feel more comfortable not being quite as marshmallow like as others in the marshmallow group while knowing that does not mean I do not contain marshmallow or that I do not belong on a list of foods that contain marshmallow just my marshmallowness is going to be flavored by my rocky roadness. 

And knowing that means I will need to be kept cooler than my fellow marshmallows so I need to learn what supports I need to be able to function such as being kept frozen. I still belong/get to hang out with other marshmallows but you can't leave me in your cabinet like them unless you want a sticky mess. 

I do not have to gatekeep myself and determine that I do not really belong in a group or that I am in a group by some kind of false pretenses. I have to trust if others welcome me they mean it. But I also know that after 3-4 decades this is probably going to be a bit challenging.