Learning Your Own LGBTQ+ Context

 

Pride month is when we share our stories of being part of the LGBTQ+ community. On a recent trip home I was given new context for one of my own experiences. In middle school I expressed the fact that I had no interest in sex. I remember my parents later telling one of my doctors it was simply because I had recently learned about AIDS in school. 

Turns out when I said I had no interest in sex my school and doctors were worried and thought I was repressing my sexually (don't ask me why being sexually repressed in middle school would have been an issue even if it was true, I have no idea, since it was clearly not causing any problems in my daily life) and my parents basically said what they did to keep everyone off my back and so the school/my doctor would not send me to a therapist because I had no interest in sex.

This interesting because many Aces express growing up feeling like they were broken, for me I never felt that way about myself but clearly my school and doctors thought that on my behalf and that kind of nonsense can turn into issues with self hatred and feelings of brokenness. 

(At the time I rolled with saying I did not want to have sex because of worries about AIDS because other people seemed to understand that even if I though I did not want to have sex because I never never never wanted to have offspring/spawn, and sex could lead to offspring/spawn which was true but in the end it was simply because I am Ace but again this was before such terms even existed)

I was always a bit odd, instead of internalizing thoughts that I was broken etc. I internalized thoughts that it was simply a case of everyone else in the world was broken instead. Others were odd because they were interested in sex, instead of me being odd because I had no interest. And yes I know thinking being the only one meaning I was the only normal one is the opposite of the meaning of normal :)

But back to the story it boggles my mind that the school and my doctors were so worried I was not interested in sex in middle school and high school. Why was this a thing they worried about? Why did the assume something was wrong with me? Why was effectively the burden of proof placed on me (which my parents helped shifted away, thank you mom and dad) to explain my own sexuality? 

My story took place before the term Ace was developed so I understand why the school and my doctor did not know it but I just imagine how much a difference it would make (especially for others who payed more attention to what others thought) if instead of worrying that a middle schooler or high schooler was sexual repressed they were told something along the lines of "gender and sexuality are complex and no matter your relationships to these concepts the key is communication and consent"

At the time I simply chalked up people being strange because all people were strange more or less and it did not bother me all that much but learning the context means I am experiencing anger at the fact that my school/doctor handled it so poorly and how if I was someone else their actions could have caused serious issues with shame or internalized junk. 

While we have always been there (for example on the Kinsey scale we Aces were basically what he labeled x on his scale), unlike other orientations or identities it took us a lot longer to have language around it. We did not form communities and social markings to self-identify ourselves (Until the 2000's) and I think that means we have a different relationship to ourselves and to the wider LGBTQ+ community. It can feel like we do not have as deep roots simply because we left very little evidence throughout time.

I will also say I was lucky when it came to the point that I realized that Ace was what I identified as because all the circles I was running in were very LGBTQ+ inclusive so it was more simply going instead of just being an ally and having to look longingly in to the community like through a shop window, I am part of the LGBTQ+ community proper. If anything most people I told were like that's nice dear and left it at that. I already had some awareness of the diversity of the LGBTQ+ community so I was able to slot myself in with out feelings of brokenness.

As a form of postscript to my earlier story it happened that the first person who seemed to understand me was a doctor in Africa, again this was before I even had language to describe myself such as being Ace. The doctor was talking to everyone about what they were doing in terms of safe sex while in the Peace Corps and I basically said I had never had sex and I was not going to have sex. And the African doctor believed me and did not give me a hard time.

I know other volunteers who said similar things and were grilled a bit more, which confused me, because I figured even if people had sex, not having it for two years would be no big deal, which I have come to learn is not always true. LOL. But this doctor seemed to know I knew myself well enough to be telling the truth. 

I know that my experience was really smooth when compared to many other peoples experiences in the LGBTQ+ community but it reminds me how important it is to fight for laws etc. so that everyone can be who they are and not have to deal with others deciding something is wrong with them based on their gender or sexuality orientation. processing our experiences and sharing our stories is important work that can make it just a little bit easier for someone else, somewhere down the line.

As I said have been saying all month this pride I am focusing on LGBTQ+ films/documentaries/specials. This is what I have seen in the second half of this Pride month. In total I saw 30 which is not bad or roughly 1 per day. I watched a wide range of films, concerts, comedy specials, and documentaries. I think this is a successful end to this years Pride Month. 

• Looking: The Movie (2016), film which was a continuation of a TV show called Looking which I have never seen which explored a community of gay friends in San Francisco, LGBTQ+ focused, one sex scene the rest was just kissing.
• After the Rain: A Virtual Pride Concert (June 2021), WindyCitySings concert
• The Stonewall Inn Safe Spaces Concert (June 2021), for #StonewallGivesBack
• Stonewall Forever - A Documentary about the Past, Present and Future of Pride (2019)
• The Perfume of Memory - A Film by Oswaldo Montenegro (2016)
• almost love (2020) Film
• Breaking Fast (2020) Film
• Disney+ 'This Is Me' Pride Celebration Spectacular (2021)
• All in my Family (2019) Documentary
• Hannah Gadsby Nanette (2018) Comedy Special
• Rhys Nicholson Live at the Athenaeum Comedy Special (2020)
• Hannah Gadsby: Douglas (2020) Comedy Special
• MIKA x Indeed x Pride: #SoundtrackOfEmpathy Virtual Concert (2021)
• The Danish Girl (2015)

Enjoy Pride Documentaries

(I am going on a trip to see family so I am not planning to post much if at all for the next 2 weeks, I will be back to posting June 30th if not sooner)

Just another reminder that no matter where you fall within the LGBTQ+ community, from ace to pan, from binary to nonbinary, a storyteller who remembers or a listener who is learning, you are include, you are loved, you are wonderful.

As I said last week this month I am focusing on LGBTQ+ films/documentaries. I will keep you updated on what I have seen as the month progresses as a way to spotlight different LGBTQ+ stories and experiences.

• Mapplethorpe: Look at the Picture (2016), documentary exploring the life and career of controversial American artist Robert Mapplethorpe who died of AIDS in 1989, LGBTQ+ focused, explicit but mainly just photos of male gentile and discussions about sex etc.
• When I knew (2008), short documentary where individuals talked about when they knew they were LGBTQ+, LGBTQ+ focused, G rated. 
• Behind the Candelabra (2013) A Biographical Drama about Liberace set in 1970's/1980's Las Vegas, LGBTQ+ Focused, TV-MA
• Suited (2016), documentary about a NYC tailor shop who focuses on the LGBTQ+ community and created suites people feel good in, LGBTQ+ focused, G rated 
• Wig (2019), documentary about Wigstock and the NYC Drag community, LGBTQ+ focused, Some nakedness and language

My roommate took out her free week of HBO trial for us to watch In The Heights so I have been watching HBO while I can. This week ended up being very documentary heavy covering a wide range of LGBTQ+ experiences from LGBTQ+ artists, to the drag scene in NYC, to the important work an LGBTQ+ tailor shop is doing by helping people (with a focus on trans/gender nonbinary individuals) have suites that make them feel comfortable within their own skin.

Lighthouse Church: A Socializing Model

 

This past weekend, I went to my first In-person Worship Service/Gospel Drag Brunch in 15 months. The events were part of Black Queer Pride Weekend and was a trail run for in person worship which is looking like it will come back late July or early August. 

Within Lighthouse there were many different levels of comfort with socialization. From members who were pretty desperate to see people in person to members who for a number of reasons would not super eager to jump into in-person socializing and found our virtual worship just as good. 

(I was more on the side of not being over eager to have to see people in person, so I kept reminding people that not everyone was super eager and we needed to work to make everyone feel comfortable. And this reminder was taken account as will be seen later in this story)

In the end Lighthouse Church/Lighthouse Foundation created what I would consider a model for groups who are working to navigate in person events in the Post-Covid world. 

• There were a series of one on ones and conversations with members around how to make the transition to in person feel like a safe space for everyone who was attending. In conversations there were clear differences of opinion but all these opinions felt heard.

• They actually incorporated the feedback they got. I know, I know, that is just wild talk. LOL

• They had clear expectations (Pre-registration, limited occupancy, the event was in a large indoor gym, masks, social distancing, ...) and choose not to ask if people were vaccinated because the access to vaccines has not be equal among all populations and they wanted to create a safe space for everyone. 

• In addition they were willing to be cautious even when our city decided to open everything up because as our Pastor says his grandma says "Just because you are allowed to do something does not mean that you should"

• We had color coded bracelets (The color system was one of my suggestion, based off something at a conference I went to many years ago) Where Green meant you wanted hugs and all the socializing etc., Yellow meant elbow bumps and some socializing, and Red meant strict social distancing no physical contact etc.

• We all ended up having a great time and I heard that many people were really glad we had the color coded bracelets because it meant there was a clear non-verbal way to express our comfort levels. It also was great because that way you did not feel like you had to explain why and it was clear it was a matter of comfort levels in general (not about liking or disliking a particular person)

So in summary understanding there will be a wide range of social comfort levels within your group or organization, it is important to work to make everyone feel your event is a safe space, and if possible have visual clues that represent what type of socializing each person is comfortable with.

Remembering Pulse

 

Pulse 5 Years Later (A poem with 49 lines)

5 years since 

49 lives 

Were taken 

Way too soon

5 years since

 My community 

My people

My siblings

Were attacked 

On a scale 

That was hard

To wrap our minds around

Though it was 

Not the first 

Nor the last time

Such an attack 

Occurred

We will read 

Out the names

And remember

The lives

Behind the names

Always remember

All those who died that day

The peace of mind 

That was destroyed

All those who lost people

They cared about

Because some people 

Feel they must

Kill Love, 

Kill those who Love,

 Kill Love

We will remember

When our beloved trans siblings are killed

When others try to make 

Living and Loving Illegal

When ever someone dies

Because of broken systems 

And institutions

That are not created 

For the full flourishing

Of everyone who Loves

We will Live

We will dance

We will sing out in Pride

We will remember

Always

Always!!!

6/12/20 Pulse: 4 Years Later

Pulse was a shooting which hit me hard

It was my people who were killed in a mass

In a place consider Holy

I walked by similar Holy places every day

Walked by, To and from work

Pulse reminded me of my own privilege

As a cis-gendered asexual white woman

The privilege of unknowing

So few people know what Asexual is

No one can identify us Aces at 20 paces

Pulse was a reminder

No matter what progress we had made

There was still

Uncertainty, Pain, and Even Death

And these are still just as true 

We currently are in a moment

When we are acknowledging

Some of the white supremacist roots of our institutions

#BlackLivesMatter, #BlackTransLivesMatter, #BlackQueerBodiesMatter

But these lives continue to be killed in a mass too

This world is still filled with

Homophobia, Transphobia, Racism

In messages, we all see every day

From political and cultural leaders

Telling us all that we are not worthy

But we are Beloved and Loved

But we are Brave and Justice Seekers

But we all are worthy

#BlackLivesMatter, #BlackTransLivesMatter, #BlackQueerBodiesMatter

So go forth: Protest, March, Dance, and above all LOVE

Too many systems are broken

Too many communities torn apart

Too many family members lost

So, mourn and cry and scream

And then create New Systems 

That Celebrate BIPOC

That Celebrate Trans Women and Trans Men 

And Gender Queer People

Create New Systems

Filled with intersectional awareness

Intersectional belovedness

6/12/17

One Year Since Pulse 

I have lived through many tragedies through the years

But Pulse hit me harder than most

Shattering my heart in different ways

One Year Since Pulse 

 

One Year Since Pulse 

An attack on my people, my family

A reminder of my own privilege

A search for identity begun on a wave of tears

One Year Since Pulse 

One Year Since Pulse 

365 days, 49 who remain not here

A wound which is still raw if probed 

My Identity still being sought in all its forms

One Year Since Pulse 

One Year Since Pulse 

Today I remember what happened that day

Today I light a candle and listen to the names*

Today I donate and support my people

One Year Since Pulse 

One Year Since Pulse 

Today I Shed Tears and remember 

“Love is Love is Love is Love”+ 

Today I Shed Tears and remember 

“Love Make The World Go Round”++

Today I Shed Tears and remember 

“What we got is love even when the sinners hate us

We cannot let 'em diminish or intimidate us

We sing out, we got the rhythm and the truth on our side

We cut through the divide and we do it with pride”+

One Year Since Pulse 

One Year Since Pulse

One Year Since Pulse

*http://www.cnn.com/videos/us/2016/06/14/anderson-cooper-reads-orlando-victims-names-ac.cnn

+ Lin-Manuel Miranda 

++ J-Lo and Lin-Manuel Miranda

This Weekend: Black Queer Pride

Starting this Friday Lighthouse Foundation is hosting Black Queer Pride Summer Edition. It is going to be a weekend filled with various events celebrating Black Queer Pride. If you want to attend in person register here bit.ly/RegisterBQP (I will be at the events on Sunday because a Gospel Drag Brunch is too good to miss :)) There will be virtual versions of all the events in case in person will not work for you. Check it out.

Going back to your regularly scheduled weekly Pride post: 

As I said last week this month I am focusing on LGBTQ+ films/documentaries. I will keep you updated on what I have seen as the month progresses as a way to spotlight different LGBTQ+ stories and experiences.

• The Boys in the Band (2020), set in 1968 NYC, based on a play, European - M (Mixed but overall pretty much White), LGBTQ+ focused, Overall mainly just some kissing but does include a few moments of nakedness. (I then watched The Boys In The Band: Something Personal which was a 30 min documentary on the film and the play it was based on.)
• The Half of It (2020), set in modern day Small Town Squahamish, a retelling of Cyrano de Bergerac, BIPOC-F (Female identified), Not LGBTQ+ focused, Just kissing 
  
• A Perfect Ending (2012) Mixed-F (Female identified), set in modern day in some major city (maybe LA?), Fictional, LGBTQ+ focused sorta, Explicit (Not much plot outside naked women, but what plot there was, was interesting) It felt like something that was supposed to be a 20-40 min short film that ended up being made as a full length film instead.
• Circus of Books (2019), Documentary about an historic gay bookstore/adult sex shop

This was an interesting film (which happened to include an all openly gay cast) which was much more focused on the internalized junk that develops when you live in a heteronormative world then external homophobia which was refreshing for a period piece. 

While all the characters have their own issues, they felt like typical issues and while it was clear that being LGBTQ+ heightens their issues, it is more looking at a group of people who have to differing levels found ways to process or avoid their own experiences. While the play is set in a different time period it felt like it was a story of my people and my own identity.

Also being set in 1968 the play was able to avoid some of the "someone always dies" that occurs in works set a decade or two later.  These characters have carved out an identity and existence and at the end they continue on. A little battered by life but still able to celebrate and go on living which has something to add to the stories told about the LGBTQ+ experience.

It would have been nice if some of the meanness was taken out but on the other hand that meanness to those we care about also made the story feel real.

Characters, Creators, and LGBTQ+

 

It is always cool when creators are willing to acknowledge the historical LGBTQ+ roots of their characters. For example in some of the marketing material for the upcoming Loki show Marvel/Disney seem to be acknowledging that the mythic character Loki was always gender fluid or nonbinary or something else beyond simply a male persona. 

Now the show has not come out yet so I am not sure if:

• Marvel/Disney is going to handle Loki being gender fluid well (I have discussed the complexity of non-LGBTQ+ individuals trying to write LGBTQ+ characters especially without LGBTQ+ input.) It can be easy to give a character an identity but write it in such a way that is not nuanced and sometimes even toxic.
• Marvel/Disney is going to mention Loki being gender fluid beyond the marketing, or if it is going to be like a lot of Disney references where they brag about being inclusive but somehow unless you are going frame by frame you don't actually see much on screen. 

Seeing the news that Marvel/Disney is at least admitting that Loki is gender fluid feels nice and randomly connects to an conversation I had with my roommate after an episode of Legends of Tomorrow and makes me think about the BBC version of sherlock.

As part of the plot of the Legend's episode there was a Love God and everyone on the ship was dreaming love god dreams. Our conversation was around how it would have been interesting to see what these dreams would have looked like for someone who was Ace, or for someone who was Ace/Aro. 

And the fact that both of us, one asexual, and one allosexual, thought that would be interesting to see/explore reminds me of creators who don't seem to understand the LGBTQ+ roots of their characters such as Stephen Moffit and Sherlock Holmes.

Historically many aces have interpreted Sherlock Holmes as ace, and in the original stories sex sure does not seem to be something Sherlock is overly concerned about. Since there was no language around being ace when the stories were being written we are never going to get a clear statement from Sherlock saying he is ace. 

So different interpretation of Sherlock Holmes is fine, what was an issue was when Stephen Moffit said that Sherlock in the BBC show could not be ace because that would have been "boring". Which does not make sense because taking a character who does not care about sex, with super observational skills, and seeing how he observes the physical reactions of those around him, or how he responds to the physical reactions of his own body while not being connected to those reactions would have been fascinating.

In general seeing the world through the eyes of characters who have a different identity is fascinating. So if Loki's show represents Loki's gender fluidness well it will be wonderful to see since all too often these LGBTQ+ roots of characters are forgotten on the side of the road. 

Self-Kindness and Self-Reflection

“You treat everyone around you with kindness and respect

Just remember to do the same for yourself, every once in awhile.”

Leo Snart (Flash Season 4 Ep 19 Fury Rogues)

I was watching the last Wentworth ep I had left and in his role as Leo Snart (From Earth x) Wentworth spoke the above wisdom about showing ourselves kindness and respect. 

(I know Wentworth pops up in some form when we get to the the next crossover event but it is my last full Captain Cold ep in the Legendsverse (aka Arrowverse) as far as IMDB tells me)

This is not the first time that Wentworth discussed this as can be seen in the wonderful clip below where he talks about needing to be his own best friend, and how we all need to be our own best friends:

For me self-kindness often comes in the form of being self-reflective. I tend to spend a large amount of my time processing. While mine would be filled with more characters and stories, my mind palace could give Sherlock's a run for his money. 

My tendencies towards self-reflection have come up in some of the pre-program conversations I have been having (I am doing a no cost to me mental wellness program this summer, the perk of going to lots of random talks/discussions/roundtables/webinars you find out about interesting opportunities)

I loved this comment that was shared with me by the leader:

"I will say that everything I thought to share (about how to find a connection to the value) you came to on your own which again highlights your strength in being reflective and self-aware. I hope you continue to feel seen here, as I can relate to struggling with that when being reflective"  

For me one way that I can follow Leo Snart's advice and show myself self-kindness is to be self-reflective and understand what I need from a particular situation. Sometimes I find it easy to be my own friend and sometimes I need to outsource that friendship to others such as my three (Currently Wentworth, Chasten, and Pete.) 

I know they all would be kind to me, and would encourage me to do what ever I need to do but feels like an impossible task at the time. (And it does not hurt to have three people available at anytime I think about it to give me a nice hug :) )

I plan to continue to explore the main themes in the program I am doing each Friday for the summer. So if you would like to follow along keep coming back each Friday this summer.

Happy Pride Month

It is Pride month !!!

Know no matter where on the gender, sexuality, or romantic spectrums you fall

Know no matter who knows your truths; just you or everyone in the whole wide world,

Know no matter the stories others tell about you or the stories you tell yourself

You are supercalifragilisticexpialidociously amazing

You are absolutely "nothing will ever change it" beloved

You are truly, madly, deeply Loved.

Every atom, Every dream, Every Hope

So Dream with Pride

So Live with Pride

So Be Yourself with Pride

Happy Happy Pride Month

So we find ourselves at the start of another Pride Month. A month for celebrating hard won victories, a month to remember all those who sacrificed for us to get here, a month to look forward at what we need to do next; so that all our LGBTQ+ siblings are safe, belong, have job and housing security, and in the end can flourish while being their absolutely amazing selves.

This month I am focusing on LGBTQ+ films/documentaries (I started this past weekend.) I will keep you updated on what I have seen as the month progresses as a way to spotlight different LGBTQ+ stories and experiences.

So far I have started with a bit of a tour of the more global LGBTQ+ experience:

• The Dance of the 41 (2020), set in 1890's/1900's Mexico, based on true events, featuring BIPOC-M (Male identified characters), LGBTQ+ focused, Explicit
• Monsoon (2019), set in modern day Vietnam, fictional, featuring BIPOC-M (Male identified characters), LGBTQ+ not focus of plot, Not explicit
• Loev (2016), set in modern day India, fictional, featuring BIPOC-M (Male identified characters), LGBTQ+ not focus of plot, Not explicit (though one scene had some issues with consent)
• Elisa and Marcela, set in 1890's/1900's Spain/Portugal/Argentina, based on true events, featuring European - F (Female identified characters), LGBTQ+ focused, Explicit

Of the four films The Dance of the 41 was the one I enjoyed the most and would recommend that you watch for a number of reasons. 

• The Dance of the 41 was a great balance of plot and romance/love.
• As an historical piece the LGBTQ+ relationships were more front and center than the modern day pieces I watched. 
• I felt there was more onscreen chemistry between the characters in The Dance of the 41 compared to the other historical piece Elisa and Marcela. The two modern pieces were not focused on chemistry per say so definitely had a different tone and can't really be compared.
• The way The Dance of the 41 was scripted it felt more like a celebration of being gay and a celebration of what individuals have done throughout history to find communities to call their own. While the ending was arguable the darkest of the four films I watched this week it somehow also felt the most meaningful/powerful/ something. (Though the main characters clearly needed a big hug)
• There is clearly a need for both stories that highlight the struggles of the past and present day and stories that completely normalize us and where our LGBTQ+ identity is not a plot point but this week the stories set in modern day were too much "old man and the sea" where not much happened plot wise.