My 1st Autism Acceptance Month: What I Learned About Myself

 

This was my first Autism Acceptance Month after being self-diagnosed so of course I jumped right in. Every day I tried to do something related to being autistic. This ended up being listening to lots of podcasts, reading lots of books, and watching a ted talk or two on the topic. 

Some of my personal lessons from this month:

I realized that while I may have thought I accepted myself being autistic I still have a lot of processing to do. At a certain point this month I realized I needed a break from nonfiction books and started to read some novels with autistic characters. I found on several occasions I started crying for no apparent reason while reading these stories. I think this means I still have to process who I am as an autistic assigned female at birth individual. I think on some level I am still mourning who I could have been if I knew who I was sooner and on another level anxious about having to figure out who I am now that I have that knowledge.

I think I would now go through the process of being formally diagnosed as autistic if I ever find a lost treasure or other riches. Until then it is not going to happen but being formally diagnosed was life changing for many of the people I listened to (or read about) this month. I started the month with a why would I ever go though the long and arduous process of diagnosis as an adult who has managed so far. Now I think I would be interested in going through the steps for formal diagnosis. (Anyone know anyone doing pro bono formal autism assessments for adult women? LOL) 

No matter how much I wished it my first autism acceptance month was not magical, i.e. did not magically mean I had processed everything I needed to,  that I felt 100% comfortable with my past, or that I 100% knew what I wanted my future to look like. I still have a lot of books out from the library and lots on reserve so I will continue this exploration even though April is coming to a close. 

Who was I? Who am I? Who could I become? Are questions with no easy answers. 

Exploring Being Autistic Through Books Part 4

 

This month in honor on Autism Acceptance Month I read various autistic books

While this is not the end of my reading on the topic by a long shot 

This will be my last weekly post

May is upon us so we will all transition to mental health. 

The Kiss Quotient by Helen Hoang

Just like how I really enjoyed Helen Hoang's The Heart Principle, I really enjoyed this story too. I saw a lot of myself in Stella. We all need more autistic characters! We all need more neurodivergent characters! We need more fellow autistic authors too. And while I am Ace so parts of the story do not apply to me, if I was looking to understand what this sex thing others seem to care about is like, getting a male escort actually makes a lot of sense.

Good Different by Meg Eden Kuyatt

This is a wonderful story. I'm not sure what it means that I relate more to Selah as an adult than I think I would have when I was in 7th grade. In 7th grade my own attitude was other people were just odd. (I mean they did not do their homework so why should I care about what they thought about me, which was pretty effective self protection in hindsight) I am glad I read this book and would recommend it to anyone who has ever felt different.

Here is a poem I wrote in response which feels fitting since the book is a story told in poems.

4/28/23 d
Reading autistic books
Relating to autistic books
Leading to tears flowing

Why is the world so hard
On all of us who are different
Why is the world so hard

Celebrate neurodivergence
Celebrate mental health struggles
Celebrate LGBTQA+ rainbows

Why is the world so hard
On all of us who are different
Why is the world so hard

Wishing I knew who I was
When I was younger, a child
My ace(ness) and autistic(ness)

Why is the world so hard
On all of us who are different
Why is the world so hard

Feelings around the heaviness
Of this world, of this time period
Feelings I didn't know I bottled up

Happy Independent Bookstore Day

 

Happy Independent Bookstore Day

As it is stated "This national one-day party held the last Saturday in April celebrates independent bookstores across the country online and in-store. Through exclusive books and literary items, contests, cupcakes, and everything in between, it’s a party you don’t want to miss!" 

Here in Chicago there are so many great independent book stores. 

My favorite one right now is Three Avenues Bookshop located at 3009 N Southport Ave which opened last Nov. The owners are wonderful, kind, and friendly. Three Avenues Bookshop is really creating a sense of community. I love how books about neurodivergence, mental health, social justice issues etc. are always highlighted. 

Community Events From Book Clubs and Local Jazz Groups 

To Helping Provide Diverse Books To Chicago Public Schools

Total Brag: 

At the last book club I wrote a poem in response to the book to share, 

When they learned I am a poet/freelance writer, they took a pile of my business cards. 

Today I saw they actually shared them. :) :) :)

I will say I am floating or flying on cloud 9 right now.

Seeing my business cards shared right when people come in the door feels wonderful.

WTF Missouri, Gender Affirming Care is Vital For Everyone!!!

 

As I was catching up on email I read one of my news emails from earlier this week that made me go WTF, WTF, WTF. Currently a Missouri judge has temporarily halted the first-of-its-kind rule restricting access to gender-affirming health care just hours before it was set to take effect but that is no guarantee that the law will be stopped. 

The proposed emergency regulation clearly misses the point on several levels:

• There is NO transgender emergency/epidemic
• Correlation does NOT mean Causation
• While transgender individuals especially transgender youth have much higher rates of suicide and suicidal thoughts, those thoughts are not why they are transgender. 
• Being suicidal has not made anyone transgender, while not being able to access gender affirming care has led to suicidal thoughts
• Many of the other health issues that are to be screened for are important but it is not an either/or situation. 
• For example "Ensuring that any existing mental health comorbidities of the patient have been treated and resolved" is confusing since in many cases not being able to transition or get gender affirming care is the reason for the mental health issue in the first place. 

Among all the proposed regulations (see next section) honestly the one that personally stood out to me was the one about "Ensuring that the patient has received a comprehensive screening to determine whether the patient has autism."***

I think this highlights the difference between what makes sense on paper and what makes sense in term of people's lived experience. 

• Should more people be screened to see if they are autistic? Yes. 
• Does being autistic mean you can't be transgender too? No. 
• Does either being autistic or being transgender make you the other? No

Personally having who I am (autistic) used against another community (my transgender siblings) as a way to prevent them from getting the gender affirming care they need and deserve, or at least making the process much longer and more complicated really hurts. 

We should not be put in competition, everyone deserves to get the supports they deserve and the care they need. 

*** Also it is important to note that getting an autism diagnoses or lack of diagnoses is a very long and involved and costly process. This is one of the reasons I doubt I will ever be formally fully diagnosed (I did have one therapist say it fit but they did not do any formal process) as an adult. So I have an understanding how this requirement is simply putting up barriers to individuals getting the care they need. 

The proposed emergency regulations (note this is not even a law it is one individual dramatically reducing the rights of trans individuals to get gender affirming care) include:

• Prohibiting gender transition interventions when the provider fails to ensure that the patient has received a full psychological or psychiatric assessment, consisting of not fewer than 15 separate, hourly sessions (at least 10 of which must be with the same therapist) over the course of not fewer than 18 months to explore the developmental influences on the patient’s current gender identity and to determine, among other things, whether the person has any mental health comorbidities
• Ensure that any existing mental health comorbidities of the patient have been treated and resolved
• Ensure that, for at least the 3 most recent consecutive years, the patient has exhibited a medically documented, long-lasting, persistent and intense pattern of gender dysphoria
• With respect to a patient who is a minor, ensure that the patient has received a comprehensive screening (at least annually) for social media addiction or compulsion and has not, for at least the six months prior to beginning any intervention, suffered from social media addiction or compulsion
• Maintain data about adverse effects in a form that can be accessed readily for systematic study
• Adopt and follow a procedure to track all adverse effects that arise from any course of covered gender transition intervention for all patients beginning the first day of intervention and continuing for a period of not fewer than 15 years
• Obtain and keep on file informed written consent
• Ensure that the patient has received a comprehensive screening to determine whether the patient has autism
• Ensure (at least annually) that the patient is not experiencing social contagion with respect to the patient’s gender identity

Exploring Being Autistic Through Books Part 3

 

This month in honor on Autism Acceptance Month I will be reading various autistic books

My plan is to blog about the books I read each week on Fridays.

This week I just got to one Autism Acceptance Month and am giving myself the grace to say that is ok.

The Heart Principle by Helen Hoang

I could relate to the main character on several levels. The story felt like one of the most realistic stories I have seen in a romance novel and I think if I ever did try dating I would be as awkward at it as Anna was when she first tried. (It was not the classic I visit a small town and somehow run into a couple dozen princes like most romance stories) Watching documentaries about octopuses together feels much more realistic. In some ways this was a classic romance and in some ways it was more a story of the heaviness of caregiving and the challenges of being ourselves around family.

I also really appreciated that this story covered autistic burnout where everything feels like an impossible task, feelings of being expected to be perfect, and the real costs of masking. It is also nice to see an adult female identified individual being diagnosed with autism. We need more such fiction stories and this was a welcome change of pace from the non-fiction I have been reading about being autistic this month.

I will say there were a few parts I just skimmed since I don't handle relationship drama well as well as a few other bits that were too focused on sex (But I know not everyone happens to be ace :) ) but over all I enjoyed this book.

"What's The Matter With Kids Today?"

 

(What's The Matter With Kids Today)

So this past weekend there were a number of teens downtown and some of them got rowdy and cause some property damage and a few shots were fired. 

First I will start with Mayor Elect Brandon Johnson's statement which was really reasonable:

And I was really surprised by how much anger people had against Brandon Johnson and this statement. This afternoon I was walking and I realized why so many people saying what should we do with (fill in some negative term or comment) teens felt so familiar. It is just them repackaging Bye Bye Birdy. 

Now I am sure anyone caught in the middle of the crowds were stressed but I really wonder if it was any worst than every St Patrick Day, or anytime one of our sports teams wins their championship. I have also been caught on the red line when it is a cubs game and I have felt pretty uncomfortable too.

I guess I am a bit confused because many people are acting like the fact that teens were outside on a warm sunny day is wild and shows we have to ban teenagers from going anywhere. I grew up in a small town in upstate NY and Even I knew of friends who had siblings who threw big parties and basically ended up trashing there parents house even if I never did so myself. 

Should teens get rowdy in the loop? Nope.

Are we providing them enough alternative places to hang out? Nope

Are these teens radically different from teens going back centuries? NOPE

I hope Chicago is able to create more safe spaces for teens to hang out so they are less likely to have so much time on their hands they can get rowdy. And we don't want anyone to feel unsafe here in Chicago but blaming teens is not going to solve any of these problems. 

Our Relationships With Healthcare

 

I have been reading a lot of books about being Autistic this month and I have been reminded of how many of my identities have had complex histories with health care. Just thinking about how pathologized so many of my identities (Ace/LGBTQA+, Autistic/Neurodivergent, Female Identified, Overweight …) have been historically and still are today can be a bit overwhelming.

The more I think about it the more I think I understand why I prefer healthcare in an informal setting. This looks like health groups doing tests such as blood pressure, cholesterol, rapid blood sugar, A1C, oral cancer screening, bone density tests… at street festivals, self care events, etc. 

I go in and I get data about my health, but I am not judged and I know I won't see that particular health care person ever again, and I don't have to worry if there will be any hidden costs that insurance won't cover. I find informal healthcare settings to be must less stressful and anxiety producing for me than formal health care settings. 

I have found my recent experiences in more formal healthcare settings have been more problematic. I have to say I was only able to see why I struggled in these situations in hindsight and not during the actual interactions which just felt odd or off to me but I did not have the language to say why. 

A Recent Example Of Struggling In The Healthcare Setting:

A year and a half ago I decided to go to a doctor for an simple annual physical. Nothing was wrong I just got "points" through my insurance for doing so. The whole experience left a very bad taste in my mouth. Over COVID I had gained a few pounds like most people did but this doctor was sure that it meant I had a whole host of medical issues, put those medical conditions into my file before even doing blood work, told me she was sure that my blood work would come back horribly (it came back absolutely fine) because she didn't trust any of the various work ups I had had done previously*, and since I don't shave looked at me and told me that my body hair was excessive and even put it in my medical chart and seemed shocked that no one else had noted my excessive body hair. 

So before the blood work was taken she had already assigned me three or four medical conditions and was starting to put in prescriptions for drugs. When my blood work came back she said it was perfectly fine, all my numbers looked good but she still was like I want to see you in like 2 weeks so we can keep tabs on everything because I don't know your history (again I had brought results from other clinics and doctors I had visited in recent years*) Lets say I did not return and dropped her as my primary care doctor and picked someone else that should work with my insurance but I have not given them a try because of this experience. 

Now I am guessing it was because I was overweight that she was sure I was unhealthy but it might have been my neurodivergence (even though I did not know I was neurodivergent at the time) which might meant I responded to her questions in a way that was not what she was used to. But the deeper I dive into the history of all my identities the more I see those identities pathologized or misunderstood**. So I am taking the time to think about my own experiences with health care and how those experiences may or may not have impacted how I view healthcare. 

*And I totally understood she wanted her own tests because she thought they were more sensitive/better but looking at the slightly less sensitive tests that came back fine and jumping to the conclusion that I must be in horrible health bothered me. 

** For example how my school and doctors at the time worried when in elementary school or middle school said I had no interest in sex. They were worried that there was something wrong with me because I was not interested in sex. I understanding neither I nor they understood I was simply Ace (and the term Ace did not even exist then) but just the fact they were medically worried that a middle schooler was not interested in sex shows I was misunderstood.

Joys Of Book Club At A Local Bookshop

Pictures Taken by Dreaming Ace

Picture #1 The sign from April 9th 

Picture #2 Their wonderful display of books including a bunch on autism and neurodivergence

Yesterday was the second meeting of the amazing Three Avenues Bookshop's book club. The first month we read The Toni Morrison Book Club. This month we read Dark Matter by Blake Crouch. Next month we are reading Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayed. 

This months book gave me lots to think about so I processed like I typically do in a poem (see below). I shared my poem with Three Avenues Bookshop and they then shared it with the wider book club by including it with the questions that were handed out to each table.

The book made me aware of all the not me(s) aka different versions of myself that could have occurred if small things in my life were different. This idea probably hit me harder than some because of my semi-recent self diagnose of autism and wondering who I would have become if I had known about that part of myself when I was a child in school, or even afterwards such as when I was in the Peace Corps or when I first moved here to Chicago.

It is amazing the joy that can be found via a book club at a local bookshop where the owners recognize you. Celebrate local bookshops. Note you can support Three Avenues Bookshop even if you don't live nearby via bookshop.org **

**So, if you're looking for the DePaul Pop Culture Conference Charity volumes, that contain my pieces you may purchase them here: Moana and the Importance of Female Support Networks, Silk, Superheroes, and Mental Health Journeys, Who Gets to Interpret a Character? Intersections of Asexuality in Sherlock Holmes and when it is available later this spring What's The Point Of Time Traveling If You're Not Having Fun? (An Exploration of Legends of Tomorrow, Doctor Who, and Hob Gadling) while supporting Three Avenues Bookshop.

4/15/23 a On Reading “Dark Matter”

A story of paths not taken

Of who those paths create

Been walking around Chicago

During an unseasonably warm

Day? Week? Some liminal time

Seeing multiples of me, possibilities

Who would I be if I had followed

I had followed the path of family?

Who would I be if I had followed

I had followed the path of career?

Who would I be if I had followed

I had followed the path of adventure?

Who would I be if I had followed

I had followed the path of certainty?

Who would I be if I had followed

I had followed the path of the heart?

Who would I be if I had followed

I had followed the path of the mind?

Who would I be if I had followed

I had followed the path of the spirit?

Who would I be if I had followed

I had followed the path of connection

Who would I be if I had followed

I had followed the path of possibilities

What if I was not who I am, I am

What if I was not who I am, Ace

What if I was not who I am, I am

What if I was not who I am, Autistic

What if I was not who I am, I am

What if I was not who I am, Creative

So many Not me(s),So many Not me(s)

So many Not me(s),So many Not me(s)

The question scares me. Who am I?

Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?

What have I done with my life,

What could have been?

What might be yet?

The question scares me. Who am I?

Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?

So many Not me(s),So many Not me(s)

So many Not me(s),So many Not me(s)

What If I was not a shadow of who I could be?

What If I was loving life like Hob Gadling?

What If I was one of the Endless Siblings?

What If I knew Wentworth Miller in Person

What If I knew Captain Cold in Person?

What If I truly knew who I was?

What If? What If? Who am I? What If? What If?

A story of paths not taken

Of who those paths create

Exploring Being Autistic Through Books Part 2

This month in honor on Autism Acceptance Month I will be reading various autistic books

My plan is to blog about the books I read each week on Fridays.

Funny, You Don't Look Autistic: A Comedian's Guide to Life on the Spectrum by Michael McCreary

A fun and funny book about Michael McCreary and his experience growing up autistic and doing comedy.

Fall Down 7 Times Get Up 8: A Young Man's Voice from the Silence of Autism by Naoki Higashida

This was a good book to read since so far the books I have read about being autistic are predominantly written by white American, British, or Canadian authors with low support needs. It was interesting to hear from someone from Japan, with much higher support needs, and who is nonspeaking.

Exploring Being Autistic Through Books Part 1

 

This month in honor on Autism Acceptance Month I will be reading various autistic books

My plan is to blog about the books I read each week on Fridays.

(But as you can see I am late this week)

Sensory: Life on the Spectrum: An Autistic Comics Anthology by multiple authors (Comics)

This was a wonderful collection of comics exploring the experience of those of us who are Autistic. It was a great book to start Autism Acceptance Month with. Loved hearing from so many different Autistic voices including both individuals who are self-diagnosed and formally diagnosed. If you want a great intro into the autistic experience this book is a great choice.

The Autism FAQ: Everything You Wanted to Know About Diagnosis & Autistic Life by Joe Biel and Faith G. Harper (Non Fiction)

This is a very relatable and useful tool that provided me a lot of the why behind the behaviors and thought patterns that are part of my Autism. The book was especially good because it was written in a friendly and humorous tone (while still feeling like it was written for adults) which was very useful when taking about subjects that have more emotional baggage like the high suicide rates among those of us who are autistic. I have about a dozen bookmarks to parts that I plan to go back to again because they really hit home.

Yes Characters Are My Therapists

This past weekend at C2E2 there was a cool panel by Popcorn Psychology: "Three licensed therapists breakdown and analyze popular movies and characters from the perspectives of an individual, child, and a marriage and family therapist." They seem to be super cool people and even responded when I emailed them a few questions.

Now before going any further I want to be super clear these are my own thoughts and experiences. Everyone has different thoughts and experiences when it comes to therapy and therapists. In general therapy is amazing for many people. This post is about how I have created my own therapy since I have been a mismatch with the therapists I have tried in the past.

One question I asked was for ways to help the characters in my life (well characters, actors, and fanfiction stories) be better therapists for me/provide me better therapy. 

In part they responded:

The benefit of a therapist is that you have a trained professional who can provide insight that we can't provide ourselves because we are always limited in our ability to few ourselves objectively. That's why a lot of therapists go to therapy themselves. We need help too from an outside party to work through situations in which we lack perspective because its about us.

And this is where I have to disagree, again just speaking for myself personally, I find characters are much better therapists for me than the actual therapists I have seen over the years. 

Now The National Institute of Mental Health says:

Psychotherapy (sometimes called talk therapy) refers to a variety of treatments that aim to help a person identify and change troubling emotions, thoughts, and behaviors. Most psychotherapy takes place when a licensed mental health professional and a patient meet one-on-one or with other patients in a group setting.

Historically therapists tend to look at me, see that I am functioning well, and go "you are doing fine and don't need therapy." And this is where characters, actors, and fanfiction really are my therapists. They understand what I am experiencing even if I can not articulate what is wrong other than something in my life is just off.

Characters help me "identify and change troubling emotions, thoughts, and behaviors" while also knowing how to hold space for me. They understand what I have experienced, and help me put words to that experience. They challenge me when I need to be challenged about my thoughts or behaviors but also make sure I am showing myself deep compassion.

Currently my Captain Cold POP figure, my Hob Gadling Turtle, and my Fidget the Fidget Dragon are almost always in my pocket and recently the actor Wentworth Miller visited my dreams listened and gave me a nice comforting hug that I could "feel" for days afterwards even in the waking world. When I am stressed characters help me process what I am thinking/feeling and why I might be thinking/feeling that in a particular situation. 

And when I have something extra challenging to process I simply write to characters in my journal since I can be honest because I don't have to worry about them misunderstanding what I mean. (though I do feel bad for any future historians who read my journals they will be so confused LOL) 

(Also it is always nice to journal to them since they only need a quick recap what happened in previous episodes of my life compared to others who I have to explain what happened over multiple seasons of multiple shows in multiple multiverses of my life)

They share wisdom such as "The 4 Rules Of Planning" aka "Throw away the plan" which I repeat to myself anytime things don't go the way I planned, which is quite often. They talk about thriving with depression, the importance of getting what is bubbling up inside out, and self care. They talk about feelings of overwhelm and the complexity of survival mode and the importance of companionship no matter who we are.  And when in doubt Make Good Art.

I could go on and on but as I start to wrap up I want to mention the therapeutic role of  reading fanfiction. No matter what identity I am exploring, no matter what experience I am processing, no matter what emotion, thought, or behavior I want to have a deeper and more grounded understanding of there is a fanfiction story that covers it and incorporates whatever character I am currently hyper-focused on.

So back to the start of this post while I understand why trained therapists are the route to therapy that is recommended, and I see how if you find a therapists who is a good fit using therapists for therapy would make complete sense, I also truly believe that at least for me personally I am able to use characters, actors, and fanfiction stories as my therapists. 

And I am always looking for webinars, courses, panels, podcasts … that cover various components of therapy (CBT, Art Therapy,  Mental Health and (fill in the group), Intersections of Fandom and Mental Health or Neurodivergence etc.) in order to help my characters be better therapists for me. 

(And yes some of my growth probably comes from some of these webinars, courses, panels, and podcasts which lay a foundation so I can better use the wisdom of my characters, actors, or fanfiction stories. 

But it is the characters, actors, or fanfiction stories who help me incorporate any such lessons into my sense of self, so it is a bit the chicken and the egg if it is characters who contextualize therapeutic ideas or if it is therapeutic ideas that contextualized my characters wisdom)

Autism Acceptance Month: My Journey

 

Happy Autism Acceptance Month. Over the course of this month my blog will be focusing on Autism. This is my first Autism Acceptance Month after realizing I am Autistic so there will be several posts on the topic over the course of the month. I also plan on discussing an autism based book each Friday like I did for Black History Month. 

Lets start at the beginning ... 

Last June I briefly talked to a therapist (I think we had 3 sessions) and they suggested I was autistic. I had considered it the year before when Wentworth Miller announced his autism but for reasons I decided the label did not fit. Once I had a therapist suggest I could be autistic I saw that I might belong in the neurodivergent/autism community. 

While at the time I just thought it was something cool to learn about myself, and though I processed it all after about a week and one blog post (yes yes yes I know how silly that sounds.) In truth I have been slowly processing the news over the past year and probably will to some degree for the rest of my life. Below is some of that processing.

June 2022: 

I wrote a blog post called The Process Of Recontextualizing Myself  in June of 2022 which I started to process the label of being Autistic. Below are some selections from that post.  

Recently I have been recontextualizing my life. Rethinking my past experiences and how those experiences have impacted my life in the past, present, and future.  

I am in this process of recontextualizing because I was talking to a therapist last week and they suggested I could be on the spectrum. Which was interesting since I explored that idea last summer when my Wentworth Miller shared his autism diagnose but I did not feel like I could claim that identity/label because:

• I could not check off enough boxes on online self-diagnosis tests.
• I already share two identities/labels with Wentworth (LGBTQ+ and having had mental health challenges) so claiming a third felt like I was a bit greedy/ thinking maybe the reason that being on the spectrum seems like a possibility was just because I wanted to have more in common with Wentworth.
• When I think autism I think of really cool people like Alan Turin, some portrayals of Sherlock Holmes, Wentworth Miller and various fanfiction versions of the Legends of Tomorrow so I really did not think I was cool enough to have autism
• Probably most importantly -- I know that individuals in various communities are wary of others claiming an identity just because it becomes trendy.  

There are many traits I have, experiences I have had, and ways of seeing the world that I am realizing are common with the wider neurodivergent/neurodiverse communities. So claiming a possible neurodivergence feels ok, even if it would take a while and a lot more exploration before I would feel comfortable using say the language of having autism because again I don't want to claim an identity/label just because it is trendy or cool.

July 2022:

I wrote a blog post called Removing Masks/UnGatekeeping Myself  in July of 2022 after starting to read "Unmasking Autism" by Dr Devon Price. Below are some selections from that post. 

I am working though the wonderful book "Unmasking Autism" by Dr Devon Price. One line that stood out to me comes from pg. 87

If Autism-friendly resources and adaptations prove helpful to you, that's another key signal you belong in our space, or at the very least have a great deal in common with us

This has made me wrestle with all the ways I have gatekept myself over the years. There are many communities where I have always felt a bit of an outsider or where I did not completely belong/fit within even if on paper that should not have been the case. That I was "Not The Same", that I was "Waving Through a Window" or that I was "Going through the motions."

Typically the spaces I have most felt like I belonged in were fictional in nature such as currently with my adorable band of misfits called The Legends Of Tomorrow or Aziraphale or Crowley or Sherlock or ... all who I typically hang out with in fanfiction universes, fanvid universes, or daydream universes. 

When it has come to non-fictional communities I think on some deep level that I was not aware of I knew that even if on paper I fit I was still seeing the world differently than others which made me doubt if I really belonged or if I was just trespassing in someone else's community. 

And truth be told most communities use too many "ALL of us think/believe/do fill in the blank" language. So when I enjoyed the community but did not think/believe/do fill in the blank I was worried this meant that I was trespassing on someone else's sacred ground.

I knew parts of myself but I did not have the whole picture for who I was so saw any not understanding the social context of the group as really meaning I was not part of the group or at that I should not have been part of the group in the first place.

March 2023:

I wrote a blog post Am I Disabled? Intersections Of Neurodivergence and Disability? in March of 2023 where I started to explore these intersections. Below are some selections from that post. 

To be honest I was not paying attention that March was Disability Awareness Month until a local family owned bookstore put up a display for Disability Awareness Month and it happened to include a wide selection of books around neurodiversity including autism which confused me a bit since I knew that National Autism Awareness Month was not until April, and I was not sure why neurodiversity would be part of the Disability Awareness Month display.

Which brings us to the question am I disabled? 

According to the CDC Autism spectrum disorder (ASD) is a developmental disability that can cause significant social, communication and behavioral challenges. (emphasis added)

But that does not answer my question or at least does not answer if I feel disabled. I think there are a number of reasons that I struggle to claim an identity of disability while I do not have that challenge when it comes to an identity of neurodivergence or an LGBTQ+ identity.  

I think the most important ones are

a) I am new to my autistic identity so I have been functioning for my whole life up to this point and personally saying that means I was disabled even though I did not know it is hard for me to wrap my head around. 

b) While self-diagnosis in the adult autism community is widely accepted because there are many barriers to formal diagnosis as an adult being self-diagnosis makes me feel like I should not be taking from the very limited pie of resources available for those who are disabled. 

c) I am guessing there is a dose of internalized Ableism in my thoughts that since I have low support needs, those support needs are less important/less worthy of being named a disability. The thought patterns that since I can function without high support levels that must mean I am not disabled because my internalized Ableism says only high support needs count. 

Personally I am still wrestling with the question: Am I disabled? I am also wrestling with:

• What supports/accommodations would be useful?
• Where have a needed supports but since I did not know I needed them/to ask for them just decided something was not for me or that I was bad at something and quickly moved on to something else?
• In what ways have I been disabled through out my life?
• When a therapist suggested I was autistic, and I later self diagnosed, it felt like a smooth transition that did not involve that much processing, autism just became my new special interest LOL. Now about 9 months later I am realizing I am not sure if I processed enough at the start and think I still have more to process

Autism Acceptance Month 2023:

I am still clearly unpacking what being neurodivergent/autistic means to me, how it has shaped me, and how it will shape me moving forward. This month I am focusing on exploring Autism and every day plan of doing one Autism related activity (honestly most days will be listening to various podcasts by neurodivergent creators, reading books etc.) I will record some of my thoughts around autism here in this blog over the course of the month. Happy Autism Acceptance Month Everyone.

C2E2 2023 Day 3 In Review

 

Today I Went as Delight/Delirium of the Endless

(I even had multi-colored fish)

The Collective C2E2 Winner

"Jackson"

Jackson was there before the Captain America Panel and stole the show with wisdom like what their moto/saying was and it being asking what is your favorite dinosaur. And while waiting for the following panel the MC had them come up and "interviewed them" Sorry Chris, Jackson was a better panel.

Panel 1

Chris Evens Spotlight

Even though I was in line upstairs by 10:15 and the panel was at 11:30 the main room was already filled by I did get like first row in the overflow room so probably a better view than if I was in the room where it happened. Chris was fine, but it was a short panel, without Q&A probably since they knew if they had Q&A each question would have been 10 mins long LOL. There was nothing wrong with the panel it just felt a bit too much like simply an ad a lot of you have worked on x cool project, yes I have it was fun, you worked on y cool project, yes I have it was fun ... It was clear it was more about people being in a room with him then actually learning anything inciteful. (Again not Chris's fault he was given the questions he was given) 

Panel 2

Tenoch Huerta Spotlight

Overall this was just a sweet panel. The panel was also done in a combination of Spanish and English. Tenoch was just so obviously grateful to have been given his role in black panther but also highlighted the importance of the audience coming out and seeing the film when everyone kept saying he was so inspirational. It was clearly a love fest between him and the fans and just how important that representation is.

Panel 3

Smallville Panel

I honestly stayed for this panel for my roommate who was unable to attend C2E2 and who was interested in hearing from Tom Welling who was at C2E2 and scheduled for this panel but for some reason was not on the panel. They were clearly all friends, and the dude who played Lex Luthor I guess sang a few times which was fun. They did mention how Smallville was the show the started it all, and led to the Arrowverse being created. 

Overall had a great time at C2E2 this weekend, though the weekend flew by somehow, but now I am tried and plan on resting for a while. C2E2 is great but it is tiring. 

C2E2 2023 Day 2 In Review

Today I went as Death of the Endless

 Today was Panels, Panels, Panels

Panel 1

Popcorn Psychology: Decreasing The Stigma Through Pop Culture

This was a cool panel looking at where pop culture gets it right about mental health, and where it gets it wrong. They also mentioned how characters are important since we do not have good mental health education in America, because clients can come in and say I feel like x character which can be an opening point for therapists to meet clients where they are because we can see how we see ourselves by which characters we are drawn to. Now I have a new podcast to start from the beginning LOL. 

Panel 2

Two Demons and a Werewolf: A Supernatural Panel

This was also a fun panel, Mark Sheppard wandered around like he tends to do on panels (see the photos, in the second one that is his shadow on the screen) This panel felt like a bunch of friends getting together and just chatting to each other. Some was interesting like how each grew as a person because of the show Alaina said inner strength, DJ said the importance of really being present because it is all ephemeral, Mark said he had thought he felt love when he experienced love but he learned he felt love when he gave love. And little fun stories like Mark Shepard got a dog without asking his wife so she is still a tad mad at him about it and how he has seen the transition from being identified in public as "Your that guy" to "Crowley" to "Mark Sheppard"

Panel 3

As a Crew: The Cast of Our Flag Means Death

(Or as I always refer to it the gay pirate show LOL)

Now I have not gotten to watch this show yet (It is somewhere like HBO not Netflix or somewhere else I can see it) but this was still a really fun panel and I could feel the love between the cast and the fans. And before the panel started we had a sing along which was a lot of fun. I know the show is incredibly queer and wonderful and some day I will see it.

Panel 4  

Grab Your Crosses, It's a Buffy The Vampire Slayer Reunion

While this was a fine panel and it was cool to see Spike etc. the panel also had an odd feel to it in part because the shadow that Joss Whedon now casts. One person in the audience did mention it in terms of the bravery of Charisma speaking up (which got a round of applause) before asking the first question. Oddly in the middle of the Q & A after the guests answered a  basic question like what was everyone's favorite episodes the Q & A was unexpectedly ended, the guests all seemed as confused as the audience was and Charisma even was like do you guys want to ask more questions. The panel continued after going back to moderator questions. I am not sure what happened there, but something happened and the transition was not done smoothly since everyone seemed confused.