Honoring All Big Holiday Season Feelings

 

This image crossed my Instagram feed filled with wisdom from Wentworth Miller, and it reminded me of the complexity of feelings that we might have during the holiday season. 

I personally love Advent and the Winter Solstice; I love the ritual of it, and I love wishing everyone hope, peace, love, and joy. I love the calmness that it highlights—the calmness of curling up with a good book, a warm beverage, candles, and a fire playing on the TV.

I also love parts of Christmas—all the lights, all the treats, all the concerts—but often find it to be a bit too much, a bit too busy, a bit too overstimulating. As a kid, I always wanted to sleep in on Christmas, much to my parents chagrin.

Now I understand that personally, for my neurodivergent brain, the holidays can be challenging for a number of reasons, such as having my routines and patterns changed and having less time to regroup because of all the activities that are occurring. 

You do not have to love the holidays. No matter what you are feeling —joy or sorrow, excitement or stress, energized or exhausted—it is important to honor those feelings. There are no right or wrong ways to celebrate this time of year.

Nourishing November

 

Nourishing November

By Dreaming Ace

By the power invested in me, myself, and I

I am declaring it is officially Nourishing November

A time to nourish ourselves physically and mentally

Before we hit the busy holiday season and end of year

I am using this as a time to pamper myself inside and out

Pamper by using up what I already have in my apartment 

Using up lotions and candles and incenses and teas 

Using up pantry goods, craft supplies and sharing items

That no longer are serving me with others so they can enjoy

Plus taking the time to rest and recharge, sleeping in etc

So by the power invested in me, myself, and I

I am declaring it Nourishing November

🍁🍂🍁🍂🍁🍂🍁🍂🍁🍂🍁

5 Benefits of Nourishing November

• Nourishing November helps refill our energy stores before the busy holiday season.
• I find that the holidays are often so busy it is challenging to truly enjoy them. Resting during November should help.
• Nourishing November helps our physical and mental health.
• Nourishing November helps us get more organized for the new year.
• The fewer items that are in a category, the easier it is to organize.
• Nourishing November helps us find holiday gifts.
• I am expecting to find gifts for others as I use up other items.
• Nourishing November can help other people's holidays.
• As was shared online, parents look in resale shops for toys for their kids, but typically resale shops don't have any until after the holidays.
• While the original post was about kids toys, it is true for most holiday items. For example, donating your extra clothing now means that someone can get themselves a gift warm clothing.

🍁🍂🍁🍂🍁🍂🍁🍂🍁🍂🍁

15 Nourishing November Activities

To Help You Think Creatively About Nourishment

(In no particular order)

• Make a meal with ingredients you have in your pantry already. 
• Doing a creative project with craft supplies you already have
• Using up a sample of lotion or other beauty product
• Having a cup of tea or hot cocoa using up what you have
• Spending an afternoon reading a book on your bookshelves (or from the library)
• Burning a nice smelling candle or incense you have
• Doing self massage or mediation or yoga
• Writing in a journal. or writing poetry, or writing a short story.
• Taking a warm shower or bath (use a nice body wash if you have it)
• Having a dance party for one in your home
• Spending time with people you care about
• Sleeping in or taking a nap
• Add some hygge into your day
• Incorporate a pop of color into your space (place a colorful bowl on the counter, drape a colorful scarf on your chair or sofa etc.)
• Listening to a podcast on a topic you love

National Coming Out Day

 

Today is National Coming Out Day

By Dreaming Ace

Today is National Coming Out Day

A day to check our spaces/communities

Making sure they are warm and welcoming

For all our LGBTQA+ siblings and friends

Some of us have been out for decades

Some of us have been out for moments

Some of us are still exploring the multiverses

The multiverse of gender, of sexuality, of identity

Our spaces and communities should be safe

Should be warm and welcoming no matter

Where on the journey, where on the path

Any person falls on their LGBTQA+ adventure

Today is National Coming Out Day

A day to check our spaces/communities

Making sure they are warm and welcoming

For all our LGBTQA+ siblings and friends

World Mental Health Day

 

World Mental Health Day is an international day for global mental health 

Education, awareness, and advocacy against social stigma. 

I have written blog posts filled with facts and figures, 

Filled with YouTube videos of celebrities talking about mental health, 

Ones exploring mental health and its intersections with characters and fandoms. 

This time I have ended up simply writing a poem to mark the day 

because that is all the "spoons" I have today.

May we all have a meaningful World Mental Health Day

World Mental Health Day

By Dreaming Ace

Today is World Mental Health Day

A Day to examine our own mental health

And that of our friends, family, communities

Some of us can say we are thriving today

Many more of us would say we are struggling,

We have been struggling, we will continue to struggle

Mental health is not simple, nor easy, nor always clear

What tricks work one day might do harm the next

Sometimes fresh air and rest and nutritious food

Are all that is needed, other times those are impossible

Impossible tasks that only bring more grief and pain

Some of us can mediate or journal or talk to a therapist

Others need to dance or run or create their feelings out

Some need to process and understand their Trauma

Others need to find safety and security and belonging first

Some have the supports and resources to heal

Others have to heal on their own since systems are broken

Personally I often daydream

Personally I often lean on fandoms

Personally I often borrow wisdom / mantra of others

“Gentle, gentle, slow, slow, thoughtful, thoughtful, flow, flow”*

As my north star when the path is covered in shadows

“Gentle, gentle, slow, slow, thoughtful, thoughtful, flow, flow”*

But that does not mean I never feel stuck

But that does not mean I never feel lost

But that does not mean I never feel alone

So if you feel stuck you are not alone in feeling stuck

So if you feel lost you are not alone in feeling lost

So if you feel alone, you are not alone in feeling alone

If you are feeling tired That Is OK

If you are feeling energized That Is OK

If you are feeling somehow That Is OK

Today is World Mental Health Day

A Day to examine our own mental health

And that of our friends, family, communities

A day to honor however we are really doing

A day to honor however we are really feeling

A day to honor our and our communities mental health

Today is World Mental Health Day

*From old Instagram posts by Wentworth Miller

Happy October

October Has Arrived

By Dreaming Ace

October has arrived

Bringing a month of magic

Natural magic: Changing Leaves

Wellness magic: Teas and Soups

Joyous magic: Stories and Tales

A time when the line between

Past and Present and Future

Natural and Supernatural

What is, What could be

Is Thinner, Is Liminal

October has arrived

Bringing a month of magic

I love celebrating the magic month of October.

For me, it doesn't matter if it is the magic of watching and feeling the weather change, the magic of a nice warm cup of tea or hot cocoa, the magic of a yummy cooking project using up what I have, or the magic that only good stories in all their forms can bring. I enjoy celebrating magic in all its forms, shapes, and squiggles. 

I am planning on doing one magic/supernatural/Halloween activity all 31 days of October. I read supernatural stories; I go to apple festivals, fall festivals, and Halloween festivals; I go to a wonderful series of Terror Tuesday Talks at the library on the history of horror films. 

For example yesterday I read a few stories from We Mostly Come Out at Night: 15 Queer Tales of Monsters, Angels & Other Creatures which seems a fitting choice to start with as a magic / supernatural / Halloween activity and a LGBTQ History Month activity. I am looking forward to all the ways I can incorporate magic into my October.

(Photo by Dreaming Ace)

Speaking Up About Supports Is Important

(Photo by Dreaming Ace)

I am neurodivergent, and personally, I know that I can struggle to recognize and name what supports would be useful for me in different situations. I think this comes from the fact that I masked so long before knowing I was neurodivergent, so I am used to simply figuring out how to manage instead of trying to figure out how I can thrive in such situations. Yesterday I was able to recognize the usefulness of certain supports (in this case using a walking/hiking stick when I was dealing with a cold). I then decided to share what supports I used with a wider audience as part of my daily #selfcarechronicle on Instagram. 

As I wrote yesterday:

Today #selfcarechronicle was both

Another wonderful @threeavenuesbookshop summer reading challenge park meetup (and let's say there were some very active, inquisitive and entertaining kids and young adults running around the park tonight 😂😆😂)

AND

Celebrating personal supports. I have been fighting a cold or something so not feeling 💯 and since today was at the farthest park in the park meetup loop I both took the brown line and brought a walking stick I had.

Felt a little silly using a walking stick but it made walking easier which is the point of all supports making life easier. And I think we need to more often share what supports we use with others. Celebrating 🎉 supports helps us all.

What did you do for #selflove today?

What did you do for #joy today?

My #carechronicle is based on ones #wentworthmiller used to do on social media

I got enough positive feedback about my Instagram post that I decided to expand it into this blog post. As I wrote, I will say at first I felt a bit silly using a walking stick (which I found for free in my ally years ago) because I didn't feel that horrible, just a little off balance. The fact that I felt this doubt about using a support that I already had (I didn't have to ask anyone for it) and which no one in Chicago was going to care I was using made me realize that we collectively need to start to speak out more about the supports we use, especially those we only use some of the time. 

For me, speaking out meant including my walking stick in my Instagram photo and pointing out the reason it was there. In other cases, it might be explaining that I am going to be stimming by swaying side to side and making sure I am not blocking someone else. For someone else, it might be explaining why they have coloring/writing materials at an event because it helps them focus. The more everyone is open about the supports they are using, the more we all can be supported. 

Figuring out what supports are useful, finding those supports, and then being encouraged to use those supports freely is really hard to do as an individual, but collectively we have a better chance of crowdsourcing our way into thriving. It does not matter if we need such supports only today or if we need them every day; we should strive to create a world where using the supports we need to thrive becomes the norm for everyone.

How Do We Define Idolizing?

A friend on Facebook shared the blog post Please Don’t Idolize Me (or Anyone, Really) by John Scalzi which is an interesting read but led me to the question how do we define idolizing?

For example:

There are a number of characters (or non-fictional people I have created fictionalized personas of inside my head) who have become deeply embedded into how I navigate the world. I often talk about how they are my parasocial support network. No matter what I am experiencing or how I need to get that experience out of myself, they are there for me inside my imagination (or inside the fanfiction I read).

They are malleable enough to always be what I need, whether that is someone who has had a similar experience, someone to give me a hug, someone who will patiently help me brainstorm how to improve my executive functioning, or simply someone to help me name my own experience, etc.

I do not see these people as perfect as in without flaws, but sometimes I do see them as "situationally perfect," as in this person has talked about having similar experiences to me, and therefore I feel like they are "perfectish" for understanding what I need in this situation.

I feel like I get a similar level of comfort from these people as those who are said to "idolize" others. Which goes back to my original question: How do we define idolizing?

• Is going back to a particular quote or speech whenever I have forgotten how to be human or how to exist considered idolizing?
• Is using characters/fictional personas to center myself when I need a safe space to express what I am feeling considered idolizing?
• Is knowing that the versions of people inside my head are always available for a deep-pressure hug or simply to hold me as we sit in silence considered idolizing?

I agree that we should not "idolize" others, as in think they are perfect, never make poor choices, never do anything wrong, but I also know that as someone who can struggle to connect with other people, I tend to deeply embed people (characters and non-fictional people I have created fictionalized personas of in my imagination) into my reality, and honestly, I am not sure how I would navigate a world where that was not true.

High Hopes For A "Gentle, Gentle" August

 

July ended up being overwhelming and overstimulating for me for a number of reasons. By the end of the month, my mental health was struggling. So I was really grateful when, at the start of August, I saw a post by Chasten Buttigieg about him and Pete canvassing for Harris, and he chose to use "High Hopes" as the music that went along with the post. Pete's song really feels like a good anthem for August for me. 

I’m starting August with High Hopes*

By Dreaming Ace

I’m starting August with High Hopes*

Thank you Chasten for using it in a post

Being reminded of the joy of My Pete’s song** 

Feels like an amazing way to start a new month

May High Hopes help bring shifting

May High Hopes help bring energizing

May High Hopes help bring “Gentle, Gentle”**

May High Hopes help bring centeredness

May High Hopes help bring rootedness

High Hopes is the joyful noise that I need to hear

To Reboot my mental health, Reboot my physical body, 

Reboot my hope and dreams and desires and vision too

Reboot, Renew, Refresh every single bit of my tired being

High Hopes is the joyful noise that I need to hear

May High Hopes help bring shifting

May High Hopes help bring energizing

May High Hopes help bring “Gentle, Gentle”

May High Hopes help bring centeredness

May High Hopes help bring rootedness

I’m starting August with High Hopes*

Thank you Chasten for using it in a post

Being reminded of the joy of My Pete’s song** 

Feels like an amazing way to start a new month

*https://youtu.be/fH_OnJk6QqU?si=nETzTmtEemeJvjez

** Pete Buttigieg used the song High Hopes in his 2020 campaign run

*** From a Instagram post by Wentworth Miller from a few years ago

I was also reminded of Pete’s “Rules of the Road.” I am going to try to incorporate Pete’s “Rules of the Road.” into my August. For example, I am hanging up my "Rules of the Road" poster once again. I am grateful that my Pete has been getting lots of press recently as a possible VP candidate. While I have no idea how that will sort itself out, I know the Pete will thrive anywhere. Being reminded of "High Hopes" and the "Rules of the Road" was exactly what I needed. I feel like if I have "High Hopes" and I have Pete’s “Rules of the Road,” I am likely to have a much more "gentle, gentle" August than my July ended up being. 

Pete’s “Rules of the Road”

By Dreaming Ace

Was recently reminded 

Of Pete’s “Rules of the Road”

The rules that we used to

Guide us, Guide our actions 

Guide us through politics

Guide us through life itself

Guide us to be our best selves

Pete’s “Rules of the Road”

Respect, 

Belonging, 

Truth, 

Teamwork, 

Boldness, 

Responsibility, 

Substance, 

Discipline, 

Excellence, 

And Joy

A ton may have changed

Since 2020 but still I think

These rules of the road

Are a great place to start

I am going to try to determine

How I can focus on these rules

Over the course of this August

To Reboot, Renew, Refresh

Overall Very Enjoyable Opening Ceremony

I watched the Olympics Opening Ceremony this afternoon (I did not watch the prime-time version). Overall, I thought it was an enjoyable and lighthearted opening ceremony, but I see lots of people on social media do not agree. 

Personally, I really enjoyed that it felt like they were following the writing advice to show, not tell. Many opening ceremonies are all about how the host country is clearly the best country since before fire was discovered. This one was more like here are all the things we are known for: buildings, art, music, theater, film, love, etc. You make your own mind about us.

I do wish I knew who the person dressed as a version of Spider-Gwen was climbing the buildings. But I loved that poly relationships were included in the Love section. (I say it was a poly relationship/ ménage à trois.) The opening ceremony also had a much more international feel; as the commentors said during my viewing, normally the flame is carried by only members of the host country; in this case, multiple countries were represented.

I liked the use of boats for the typically very boring walking in part* because it was interspersed with performances. It felt like we were just walking along the Seine, taking in the sights.

I do think 4 hours was long for me, and some of the pacing felt a bit uneven. In the beginning they would do a performance, 3-5 boats would go by, then do another performance. There was a middle section with just boats, which felt like it needed more performances.

Also on a totally personal note, the focus of the commentators on the USA athletes got old for me pretty quick. We have one or two stories I care about, but we are not the underdogs; we are going to win lots of medals because we always do. 

I wanted more focus on all the cool other countries that have never won a medal, never won a gold, or overcame the most to be here, such as those from countries actively being attacked, actively experiencing geocide, the Refugee Olympic Team etc.

(* Let me be clear I am saying watching them walk in can be boring, not that anyone from those countries is boring, nor that everyone should not have their moment in the spotlight.)

How I am Personally Mourning a Problematic Person ...

 

I have no formal training, and I am not a therapist, even if I have listened to podcasts that talk about therapy. In addition, each individual case of problematic behavior impacts each individual fan in different ways. This blog post is just part of my personal processing process.

I am so tired of people being problematic. I am writing this post as evergreen content, so I am intentionally not using names because: a) This post is about how often this occurs; b) It doesn't feel like giving the person any press is a good idea no matter what outcome is; c) It is still a bit unclear exactly how many extremely poor and problematic choices were made; d) A tiny irrational part of me believes that if I don't name names, maybe the general message will go out in the universe and fewer people I care about will be found to be problematic. Yes, I know that is not how this works, but let me keep my hope, please.

Backstory:

This weekend, I learned there are very serious allegations against an author whose work has really impacted who I am and my worldview. Whose characters are some of my go-to parasocial relationships. Whose characters are the people I turn to when I want to process the world or am feeling too many big emotions. 

You would really think that considering how many creative people have been found to be very problematic, there would be more resources for us to tap into, but they don't really exist, or at least don't exist, in the numbers they should for how often it happens. So here is a very imperfect attempt to create some of those resources.

1. This Sucks

This sucks. This sucks. This sucks. (Fill in will a long line of your favorite swear words) 

2. Why It Feels Different This Time

Personally, for me, this one hits much closer than others I have experienced over the years. Other fandoms I was not as invested in were easier to cut all ties with because the problematic behavior outweighed whatever joy I got from their work. In addition, this one also cuts deeper because, and I know how this sounds, they seemed like a good person who was uplifting and supporting many marginalized communities.

I know many people who are what I hope is still cynical, and they just assume everyone is problematic, and if we have not heard about it, it is because they are better at covering it up, but personally, stories and characters and the people who bring those stories and characters to me are so important to me that I don't know how not to love certain works and characters deeply.

Note: For anyone who is not involved in the fandoms impacted, please understand why we are mourning, even if you are not mourning the same way, and show us kindness and compassion, please. For some of us, particular fandoms are where we feel most able to be ourselves, and having those safe spaces tainted by problematic people is hard.

Note: I apologize to other fandoms who have gone through this which were not my fandoms so I doubt I was compassionate enough because I did not truly understand how much that fandom meant to you. Jumping to cut all ties was much easier for me so I do not think I fully honored or respected  your big feelings.

3. Remembering It Is Out Of My Hands

I "know" there is no causation nor correlation, but my heart, emotions, and feelings are struggling because at a recent book club we read a book where the author brought up the idea that everyone is problematic, and if we have not heard about it, it is because they are better at covering it up. At the book club, I was like everyone can't be problematic, and while I didn't say or even think about the current individual, when I said that not everyone is problematic on some level, it felt like I put it out in the universe, and the universe was like, Well, now it will turn out one of your people will be problematic to prove you wrong and show everyone is. 

4. Remembering I Don't Control Others

Coming off of number 3, I know that it was not the fact that I cared deeply about the fandom or thought the person was a good person that caused them to turn out to be problematic, but my heart, emotions, and feelings are struggling. 

Honestly, for the last several days, I have tried not to think about other people or fandoms that mean a lot to me because I didn't want to bring them to the attention of the universe. I have wanted to keep them safe since no one knows who is next to turn out to be problematic.

I know my love is not what causes problematic behavior, nor is there some creature who will read my mind and strike down someone because I care, but honestly, right now, thinking about things I love feels risky or scary.

I am processing these thoughts because leaning on other characters or fandoms in this time of need makes sense. During these tough times, I need my comfort characters even more.

5. TBD

I am still in the thick of this and am still trying to process. How I will navigate the future is unclear. I very briefly talked to someone who is a therapist as their day job and they mentioned decoupling the wisdom I have gain for the problematic person's characters from the problematic person.

6. Right now I am leaning towards*:

• Not buying any of the problematic person's works moving forward
• Not promoting the problematic person, even though some of their quotes have been go-tos for me.
• Keeping the works I have, it might be a long time before I feel comfortable re-reading them, but the books quietly sitting on my shelf are not supporting the problematic person. The same is true for other media on platforms such as YouTube, where a video is not directly supporting the problematic person.
• I feel personally that relatively soon I will continue to read fanfiction stories in fandoms that the person was involved in since the problematic person gets no financial benefit from random stories on AO3, and reading fanfiction anonymously doesn't feel like any statement of agreement with the problematic actions.
• Related to the above, I have written a few fanfiction stories that include some of the characters in the works by the problematic person, honestly more as set pieces, but I feel like I can keep them up because that seems like an okay way of separating the creator from the work since the problematic creator gets no real benefit from the fanfiction stories a few handfuls of people have read.
• I do think inside my head I will still lean on some of the characters created by the problematic creator, because if they remain in my head, I can get the comfort I need while not supporting the problematic person in any real way. 

*Everyone will make different personal choices about how they relate to works created by problematic people. Also in this case it is not the works themselves that have been found to be problematic just the creator in other situations other choices will be made.

Defining My Terms (Pride Edition)

 

Happy Pride Everyone. Talking to a friend I was reminded that it never hurts is define our terms once in a while especially when it comes to being queer. So here is a quick summary of what I mean when I use various terms to describe myself. I am giving an explanation in terms of

a) Definitions

b) How it plays out in my life

c) How it plays out in the stories I love/the characters I am in relationship with. 

Ace (Asexual) 

Definition: Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction to others 

In real life: I have never had any interest in having sex with anybody, of any gender. Reproductive organs are not my thing. LOL I have identified as Ace the longest, long before I had the term or concept to describe myself. 

Stories/Characters: While I have zero personal interest in having sex I do read fanfiction and especially queer fanfiction often includes sex in some form. For me its like going to the circus and seeing a high wire act and going the physics of this is interesting but I'm not going anywhere near a high wire. Now sometimes I can tolerate sex in stories better than other times, sometimes I get overwhelmed and it is all too much and I fall back on thinking patterns of "why are people silly and have sex?" LOL Sex in stories has to be on my own terms.  

Aro (Aromantic)

Definition: Aromantic is the lack of romantic attraction to others

In real life: This is a much more recent identification for me in the last 6-12 months. It really is thanks to the book Loveless by Alice Oseman where it finally clicked I could appreciate romance in stories and not want it for myself. In my case it was having spent over a decade trying to figure out/define what romance is in order to figure out if I wanted it and finally going after a decade of thinking about the subject if I still have no idea what romance is (when chocolate is romantic vs. just yummy) I am probably Aro since if I was really into romance I would have figured that out by now.

Stories/Characters: I have no problem with the concept of romance in stories and often find it sweet, but once I get to a certain threshold it gets to be overstimulating and I need a break. (I also hate when there are interpersonal issues because people will not just talk to each other which seems to happen a lot in romance based stories)

Parasocial relationships/Characters: In my daydreams we do things that some might consider romantic but they don't have romantic overtones to me. For example reading together, drinking cups of tea, talking, sharing a meal, and even sometimes a few deep pressure hugs or the occasional top of the head kiss/forehead kiss (Not lip kissing, I personally have no interest in partaking in lip kissing even in my daydreams)

Gender: Cisgendered Womanish?

This is less an definition and more just feels like it is part of the queer trifecta of identity.

I won't go into tons of detail, but personally, my gender is the most up in the air. I in general identify as a cisgendered woman but hold very loosely to that identity. I don't really feel like a woman, or at least feel like I can relate to the experience that most women have with their identity as women, but I also don't really feel any deeper connection to any other gender, and I often don't feel like I care enough about gender to claim to be nonbinary or nonconforming. I currently go with Any for my pronouns (and love when people think I am queer enough for them to use they/them for me), but I rarely present myself in a way that anyone would question my gender therefore I consider myself cisgender womanish)

Pride Book Roundup #2

In addition to my normal focus on reading LGBTQA+ books as part of Pride, this Summer I am working on a Summer Reading Challenge through Three Avenues Bookshop. 

Note the challenge also includes some picture books which I will include in my weekly roundups but am NOT counting towards the books I have read for this year because I feel like that would artificially inflate my totals lol. 

The Baker and the Bard by Fern Haught (Fiction)

My Review:

This was a sweet little "gentle, gentle" story which I really appreciated.

Icarus by K. Ancrum (Fiction)

My Review:

This was a really compelling queer retelling of the Icarus story. A story about discovering who you are by learning who others are in relation to you. A story about the long shadows the past can create over the future and how challenging it can be to move into the sunlight.

Black Girl, Call Home by Jasmine Mans (poetry)

My Review:

This was the second time I read this collection and I enjoyed it just as much as I did the first time. And it works for Lo's "A woman with her back turned on the cover" category for the summer reading challenge.

Contemplating the Comments Section ...

This post will contain spoilers for the Doctor Who Episode Rogue

This post is inspired by a conversation I had with someone in the comments section of a post about what I consider the wonderful Doctor Who episode "Rouge" and Spoilers, the lovely kiss between The Doctor (Ncuti Gatwas) and Rogue (Jonathan Groff), as shown in the clip below.

Let's say there were lots of feelings people had around the kiss, some positive and some negative. I for one found it a super sweet kiss, and that while being aroace so in general, not someone overly into kisses or kissing (or at least mouth kissing). 

 

I was able to see that The Doctor and Rogue liked each other (both characters clearly consented to the kiss), and the episode felt organic to me, especially since it was very much a Bridgerton-inspired episode. I have not watched Bridgerton, but I know it is a show all about romance and various forms of attraction LOL.

 

There will never be a show or story that everyone enjoys. But when commenting, it is important to use precise language. The more precise language used, the less likely you are to be misinterpreted. 

 

For example, I have mentioned to some of my friends who also watch Doctor Who that while I love Nucti, I feel like this season the Doctor has not been spotlighted as much (in part because Ncuti was involved in other projects at the same time he was filming Doctor Who), and I would like to see more Nucti Doctor content. 

 

Some people who commented about the episode clearly did not like the romance or the kiss, but the language used is often very vague: "the show is too political,"  "the show is woke,"  "there is a social agenda," etc., and they are upset when that vague language is interpreted as being racist, homophobic, transphobic, etc. 

Here is a poem I wrote:

Thoughts about people in the comment section

By Dreaming Ace

I’m aroace, I don’t really get the concept of kissing on the lips

Yet I know kissing is something that people do in life, in real life

So I’m so confused when you “comment section people” say that

A kiss between two wonderful characters is pushing an agenda

Do people really not kiss in the world you live in? In your universe?

Is there no Love? No sharing of emotions? No connections?

Even I know that “emotional recognition” and “deep-seated tenderness”

Sometimes develops into romance and dancing and awe and wonder

Sometimes even develops into what you would call Love all within a single night

While I will always love queer platonic storylines, and we need many more of those

I also enjoy other storylines, platonic friends storylines, romantic storylines

Even the occasional wibbly wobbly timey wimey situationship storyline

In my world, in my universe, in my timeline or whatever you call it

We know that people Love each other, we know different people love

Different people, we know that Love can look like so many things

More combinations then their are stars in the sky, or sand on the beach

We know that gender or romantic attraction or even sexual attraction

Can be very fluid, ace and aro, trans and nonbinary, pan and poly

Even I know that “emotional recognition” and “deep-seated tenderness”

Sometimes develops into romance and dancing and awe and wonder

Sometimes even develops into what you would call Love all within a single night

While I will always love queer platonic storylines, and we need many more

I also enjoy other storylines, platonic friends storylines, romantic storylines

Even the occasional wibbly wobbly timey wimey situationship storyline

I’m aroace, I don’t really get the concept of kissing on the lips

Yet I know kissing is something that people do in life, in real life

So I’m so confused when you “comment section people” say that

A kiss between two wonderful characters is pushing an agenda

Do people really not kiss in the world you live in? In your universe?

Is there no Love? No sharing of emotions? No connections?

***********

Here is the comments conversation that inspired this post. 

Note: 

My responses to the commentor were assuming the person 

Did not intend harm with their original comment, 

I addition I was coming from a place of safety. 

This does not mean anyone else should feel compelled 

To respond to people in the comments section. 

C = Comment section person, M = Me

C: People aren't angry because they're homophobic or transphobic or bigots, they're angry because the show is focusing too much on politics and pushing a social agenda rather than focusing on telling a good story. Most people watch shows like Doctor Who for escapism, not for a political lesson, but it's hard to complain about that without people misinterpreting it as bigotry.

M: I'm curious what social agenda you mean? The fact that in real life people sometimes kiss other people? The fact people find other people "hot"? Or the fact that people like to dance? I mean I'm aroace so don't kiss people, don't find people "hot" and I don't happen to like dancing with others because I want the freedom to dance however I want on the dance floor :) but I found this episode to be wonderful and sweet. I personally didn't see any "political lesson" so I am asking which one you found in this week's episode? Have a nice day.

C: There's the comment about a "hot summer with Houdini" there's the binary/non-binary thing in The Star Beast, there's the unnecessary and historically inaccurate race swap of Isaac Newton, there's the pronoun conversation in the Star Beast and there's another pronoun conversation in The Devil's Chord, there's Maestro's comment about Ruby playing songs for "heartbroken lesbians" etc etc. Granted, this is over the course of several episodes but even so, it's clear that politics play a significantly larger role in the show than it ever had before. But this goes back to what I was saying, people should be allowed to not like the political aspect of the show, people should be allowed to not like the show anymore due to the direction it's being taken but it seems many people, rather ironically, would much rather get offended than accept that.

M: I'm sorry but I'm confused how are any of what you listed is social commentary though? Maybe I'm from a different culture because none of that is different from my day to day normal. I mean for the last several years every name tag I have ever seen or had to fill out at church, at social events, at community events etc. had us list our pronouns. (Personally my pronouns are She/Any) Are talking about pronouns uncommon in the communities you spend time in? I really am curious since we seem to have very different world views.

C: Well... yeah, day-to-day life is different for everyone, and honestly, pronouns aren't common in the communities I engage with/in, my home life, work life or social life. This is also the case for many many other people and so to have it come up in the show does feel (to some but not others) as though it's preaching an aspect of gender politics rather than telling a good story

M: Interesting. Thanks for the clarification. Personally I feel it has only added to the story telling and not taken away but I guess others might disagree. Clearly there are as many ideas of what is good storytelling / what is a good story as there are stars in the sky. I think the challenge is when people don't just say this story didn't work for me but use generic and undefined language such as "it too political" or "it's woke" others tend to read into the "too political" as being based in isms and phobias because in general when people are say critiquing a stories structure or pacing or like for me feeling this season has been light on The Doctor focused stories and I want more Ncuti content they don't typically use the language "it's political." For example a comment saying that the focus on The Doctor's "humanness" or his emotions is not working for someone feels a lot different than an "it's too political now" comment even if second person intends the same thing as the first.

Pride Book Roundup #1

In addition to my normal focus on reading LGBTQA+ books as part of Pride, this Summer I am working on a Summer Reading Challenge through Three Avenues Bookshop. 

Note the challenge also includes some picture books which I will include in my weekly roundups but am NOT counting towards the books I have read for this year because I feel like that would artificially inflate my totals lol. 

Dear Wendy by Ann Zhao (Fiction)

My review:

I really really enjoyed this book even if there was a good amount of young adult drama involved. I especially loved the conversations among the Dianas that explored the complexities of being aroace while living in an allo world including the complexities of being aroace in many queer spaces.

It was cool to see a story centered around characters who already knew they were aroace (not a self-discovery or coming out story) and have that aroace identity held in the real tension of what that meant for their long term future.

Ann Zhao states in the introduction "One book cannot reflect every single a-spec experience and all of its intersections with other identity markers -- my goal with Dear Wendy was to add to the a-spec literary canon, not encompass it" and I found that she met this goal completely. 

The Prince and the Dressmaker by Jen Wang (Fiction)

My Review:

This was a very sweet story about when you are true to yourself you are much more likely to thrive. I think many of us would be someone else from time to time if we could and that should be celebrated.

It's Pride Baby! (Kids)

This is a fun kids book focused on the intersectional Black Pride.

My Pride Journey: Ally to Ace to AroAce

 

In the middle of celebrating, protesting, and rioting for LGBTQA+ rights, I think sometimes we forget how much of a journey pride can be. Knowing ourselves is always hard, but knowing our "pride selves" can be even harder. 

Some people know themselves and have language to describe themselves from the very start, while others take a more winding path to self-knowledge. 

I would say while we often speak about being queer or questioning the intricacies of questioning are often glossed over. Today I will share part of my own pride journey from ally to ace to aroace.

Ally 

Growing up in the 90's and early 2000's, I was drawn to the LGBTQA+ experience, or at least the gay experience. I think this was because in the stories I read and watched, the gay dudes either were "adorable" (I know now that some gays really don't like this language because it feels a bit dismissive or infantilizing) or they had to work so much harder for love that it felt like their love was deeper or more real than other types of love.  

Also, while I was unaware that I was aroace or autistic growing up, I think all three of these combined to make queer spaces feel comfortable. I thought I supported LGBTQA+ rights because "Love is Love," and I couldn't understand (and still don't understand) why people could be against love. Now I wonder if it was because they were places where not quite fitting in with society was celebrated and where, if I didn't totally understand the "how to people" rule book, it made sense to me since I was just an ally.

Ace

It wasn't until the 2010's that I had the language of being asexual, and that language really was only a decade old at that point. While asexuality has always existed historically, there has been a real lack of language to describe that experience. And before the internet and people being able to come together to talk about experiences, it was even harder because it was hard to prove a negative, a lack of sexual attraction to anybody. It took even longer for me to identify as Ace.  

Now, looking back, it was very obvious., but I didn't have the language to describe my experience. I know in middle school, I worried my school because I said I was never going to have sex, and they were worried they had "broken" me via sex education and discussions of STDs and AIDS. I don't understand why they were worried about middle schoolers saying they didn't want to have sex, but their worldview at the time could not comprehend that idea. My parents basically reassured them that they hadn't broken me, and I learned to not mention it.

AroAce

This has been my most recent understanding of myself. It took me close to a decade and a half after determining I was Ace to claim my Aro identity. While I knew I had zero interest in personally interacting with anyone's reproductive organs, trying to determine what romance was was more complicated. When I asked what makes something romantic, I got variations of you know it when you see it. 

And honestly, it was not until reading Loveless by Alice Oseman that it finally clicked for several reasons (and why representation in books and stories is so important). Why it took me so long to have it click that I could enjoy fictional characters whose relationships contained romance while not wanting that romance centered on me, I do not know. LOL In addition, I figured if I could spend a decade trying to determine what romance is and whether I would want it, it probably meant I didn't really desire it in the first place. 

The complexities of being aroace are explored really well in the recent book Dear Wendy by Ann Zhao and it is a book I would recommend assuming you can handle a certain amount of young adult drama aka drama that could be resolved quickly if people just communicated LOL

 

My Journey

As you can see, while there were hints all along, my journey to my current AroAce identity took a winding path. I started out feeling like while I wished I could be part of the LGBTQA+ community that I was only an ally, then I realized I was already part of the community because I figured out I was ace, and then finally now I understand I am aroace. 

So know wherever you are on your pride journey you are not alone. 

You are not moving too fast or two slow. 

You are not doing your journey wrong. 

Happy Happy Pride. Happy Pride.

Happy Start To Pride ...

 

Today is the start of pride and no matter where on your pride journey you are, know you are are at the exact correct spot on your journey to figuring out who you are are supposed to be, know you are beloved and loved, know that you are not alone. Also remember it is ok if Pride brings all the feelings. 

The Emotions of Pride

By Dreaming Ace

Today Pride Month begins

Bringing a rainbow of emotions

To our community, to us all

The red of pain, of anger

So many laws legalizing hate, harm

Causing physical and emotional cuts 

That continually drip deep blood red 

Today Pride Month begins

Bringing a rainbow of emotions

To our community, to us all

The orange of joy, of possibilities

The joy of community

The joy of being our true selves

The joy of connection too

Today Pride Month begins

Bringing a rainbow of emotions

To our community, to us all

The yellow of hope, of new days

Even when it feels like the sun has

Been hidden for all time, forevermore

Hold out for our own hope realized 

Today Pride Month begins

Bringing a rainbow of emotions

To our community, to us all

The green of rootedness

Rooted in our history

Rooted in our elders wise

Rooted in our dreamers

Today Pride Month begins

Bringing a rainbow of emotions

To our community, to us all

The blue of sorrow, of brokenness

The blue of our shame, of our tears

The blue of internalized phobias and isms

The blue of an often times hostile world

Today Pride Month begins

Bringing a rainbow of emotions

To our community, to us all

The purple of our passion for living

Living big, bold, beautiful and handsome too

Living knowing the multiverses we carry inside

Living because that is our highest calling

Today Pride Month begins

Bringing a rainbow of emotions

To our community, to us all

The Brown and Black of our intersectionality

Gender and race and sexuality and

Neurodivergence and disability and education and

Social supports and access to resources

Today Pride Month begins

Bringing a rainbow of emotions

To our community, to us all