How I am Personally Mourning a Problematic Person ...

 

I have no formal training, and I am not a therapist, even if I have listened to podcasts that talk about therapy. In addition, each individual case of problematic behavior impacts each individual fan in different ways. This blog post is just part of my personal processing process.

I am so tired of people being problematic. I am writing this post as evergreen content, so I am intentionally not using names because: a) This post is about how often this occurs; b) It doesn't feel like giving the person any press is a good idea no matter what outcome is; c) It is still a bit unclear exactly how many extremely poor and problematic choices were made; d) A tiny irrational part of me believes that if I don't name names, maybe the general message will go out in the universe and fewer people I care about will be found to be problematic. Yes, I know that is not how this works, but let me keep my hope, please.

Backstory:

This weekend, I learned there are very serious allegations against an author whose work has really impacted who I am and my worldview. Whose characters are some of my go-to parasocial relationships. Whose characters are the people I turn to when I want to process the world or am feeling too many big emotions. 

You would really think that considering how many creative people have been found to be very problematic, there would be more resources for us to tap into, but they don't really exist, or at least don't exist, in the numbers they should for how often it happens. So here is a very imperfect attempt to create some of those resources.

1. This Sucks

This sucks. This sucks. This sucks. (Fill in will a long line of your favorite swear words) 

2. Why It Feels Different This Time

Personally, for me, this one hits much closer than others I have experienced over the years. Other fandoms I was not as invested in were easier to cut all ties with because the problematic behavior outweighed whatever joy I got from their work. In addition, this one also cuts deeper because, and I know how this sounds, they seemed like a good person who was uplifting and supporting many marginalized communities.

I know many people who are what I hope is still cynical, and they just assume everyone is problematic, and if we have not heard about it, it is because they are better at covering it up, but personally, stories and characters and the people who bring those stories and characters to me are so important to me that I don't know how not to love certain works and characters deeply.

Note: For anyone who is not involved in the fandoms impacted, please understand why we are mourning, even if you are not mourning the same way, and show us kindness and compassion, please. For some of us, particular fandoms are where we feel most able to be ourselves, and having those safe spaces tainted by problematic people is hard.

Note: I apologize to other fandoms who have gone through this which were not my fandoms so I doubt I was compassionate enough because I did not truly understand how much that fandom meant to you. Jumping to cut all ties was much easier for me so I do not think I fully honored or respected  your big feelings.

3. Remembering It Is Out Of My Hands

I "know" there is no causation nor correlation, but my heart, emotions, and feelings are struggling because at a recent book club we read a book where the author brought up the idea that everyone is problematic, and if we have not heard about it, it is because they are better at covering it up. At the book club, I was like everyone can't be problematic, and while I didn't say or even think about the current individual, when I said that not everyone is problematic on some level, it felt like I put it out in the universe, and the universe was like, Well, now it will turn out one of your people will be problematic to prove you wrong and show everyone is. 

4. Remembering I Don't Control Others

Coming off of number 3, I know that it was not the fact that I cared deeply about the fandom or thought the person was a good person that caused them to turn out to be problematic, but my heart, emotions, and feelings are struggling. 

Honestly, for the last several days, I have tried not to think about other people or fandoms that mean a lot to me because I didn't want to bring them to the attention of the universe. I have wanted to keep them safe since no one knows who is next to turn out to be problematic.

I know my love is not what causes problematic behavior, nor is there some creature who will read my mind and strike down someone because I care, but honestly, right now, thinking about things I love feels risky or scary.

I am processing these thoughts because leaning on other characters or fandoms in this time of need makes sense. During these tough times, I need my comfort characters even more.

5. TBD

I am still in the thick of this and am still trying to process. How I will navigate the future is unclear. I very briefly talked to someone who is a therapist as their day job and they mentioned decoupling the wisdom I have gain for the problematic person's characters from the problematic person.

6. Right now I am leaning towards*:

• Not buying any of the problematic person's works moving forward
• Not promoting the problematic person, even though some of their quotes have been go-tos for me.
• Keeping the works I have, it might be a long time before I feel comfortable re-reading them, but the books quietly sitting on my shelf are not supporting the problematic person. The same is true for other media on platforms such as YouTube, where a video is not directly supporting the problematic person.
• I feel personally that relatively soon I will continue to read fanfiction stories in fandoms that the person was involved in since the problematic person gets no financial benefit from random stories on AO3, and reading fanfiction anonymously doesn't feel like any statement of agreement with the problematic actions.
• Related to the above, I have written a few fanfiction stories that include some of the characters in the works by the problematic person, honestly more as set pieces, but I feel like I can keep them up because that seems like an okay way of separating the creator from the work since the problematic creator gets no real benefit from the fanfiction stories a few handfuls of people have read.
• I do think inside my head I will still lean on some of the characters created by the problematic creator, because if they remain in my head, I can get the comfort I need while not supporting the problematic person in any real way. 

*Everyone will make different personal choices about how they relate to works created by problematic people. Also in this case it is not the works themselves that have been found to be problematic just the creator in other situations other choices will be made.