My Pride Journey: Ally to Ace to AroAce

 

In the middle of celebrating, protesting, and rioting for LGBTQA+ rights, I think sometimes we forget how much of a journey pride can be. Knowing ourselves is always hard, but knowing our "pride selves" can be even harder. 

Some people know themselves and have language to describe themselves from the very start, while others take a more winding path to self-knowledge. 

I would say while we often speak about being queer or questioning the intricacies of questioning are often glossed over. Today I will share part of my own pride journey from ally to ace to aroace.

Ally 

Growing up in the 90's and early 2000's, I was drawn to the LGBTQA+ experience, or at least the gay experience. I think this was because in the stories I read and watched, the gay dudes either were "adorable" (I know now that some gays really don't like this language because it feels a bit dismissive or infantilizing) or they had to work so much harder for love that it felt like their love was deeper or more real than other types of love.  

Also, while I was unaware that I was aroace or autistic growing up, I think all three of these combined to make queer spaces feel comfortable. I thought I supported LGBTQA+ rights because "Love is Love," and I couldn't understand (and still don't understand) why people could be against love. Now I wonder if it was because they were places where not quite fitting in with society was celebrated and where, if I didn't totally understand the "how to people" rule book, it made sense to me since I was just an ally.

Ace

It wasn't until the 2010's that I had the language of being asexual, and that language really was only a decade old at that point. While asexuality has always existed historically, there has been a real lack of language to describe that experience. And before the internet and people being able to come together to talk about experiences, it was even harder because it was hard to prove a negative, a lack of sexual attraction to anybody. It took even longer for me to identify as Ace.  

Now, looking back, it was very obvious., but I didn't have the language to describe my experience. I know in middle school, I worried my school because I said I was never going to have sex, and they were worried they had "broken" me via sex education and discussions of STDs and AIDS. I don't understand why they were worried about middle schoolers saying they didn't want to have sex, but their worldview at the time could not comprehend that idea. My parents basically reassured them that they hadn't broken me, and I learned to not mention it.

AroAce

This has been my most recent understanding of myself. It took me close to a decade and a half after determining I was Ace to claim my Aro identity. While I knew I had zero interest in personally interacting with anyone's reproductive organs, trying to determine what romance was was more complicated. When I asked what makes something romantic, I got variations of you know it when you see it. 

And honestly, it was not until reading Loveless by Alice Oseman that it finally clicked for several reasons (and why representation in books and stories is so important). Why it took me so long to have it click that I could enjoy fictional characters whose relationships contained romance while not wanting that romance centered on me, I do not know. LOL In addition, I figured if I could spend a decade trying to determine what romance is and whether I would want it, it probably meant I didn't really desire it in the first place. 

The complexities of being aroace are explored really well in the recent book Dear Wendy by Ann Zhao and it is a book I would recommend assuming you can handle a certain amount of young adult drama aka drama that could be resolved quickly if people just communicated LOL

 

My Journey

As you can see, while there were hints all along, my journey to my current AroAce identity took a winding path. I started out feeling like while I wished I could be part of the LGBTQA+ community that I was only an ally, then I realized I was already part of the community because I figured out I was ace, and then finally now I understand I am aroace. 

So know wherever you are on your pride journey you are not alone. 

You are not moving too fast or two slow. 

You are not doing your journey wrong. 

Happy Happy Pride. Happy Pride.