How I am Personally Mourning a Problematic Person ...

 

I have no formal training, and I am not a therapist, even if I have listened to podcasts that talk about therapy. In addition, each individual case of problematic behavior impacts each individual fan in different ways. This blog post is just part of my personal processing process.

I am so tired of people being problematic. I am writing this post as evergreen content, so I am intentionally not using names because: a) This post is about how often this occurs; b) It doesn't feel like giving the person any press is a good idea no matter what outcome is; c) It is still a bit unclear exactly how many extremely poor and problematic choices were made; d) A tiny irrational part of me believes that if I don't name names, maybe the general message will go out in the universe and fewer people I care about will be found to be problematic. Yes, I know that is not how this works, but let me keep my hope, please.

Backstory:

This weekend, I learned there are very serious allegations against an author whose work has really impacted who I am and my worldview. Whose characters are some of my go-to parasocial relationships. Whose characters are the people I turn to when I want to process the world or am feeling too many big emotions. 

You would really think that considering how many creative people have been found to be very problematic, there would be more resources for us to tap into, but they don't really exist, or at least don't exist, in the numbers they should for how often it happens. So here is a very imperfect attempt to create some of those resources.

1. This Sucks

This sucks. This sucks. This sucks. (Fill in will a long line of your favorite swear words) 

2. Why It Feels Different This Time

Personally, for me, this one hits much closer than others I have experienced over the years. Other fandoms I was not as invested in were easier to cut all ties with because the problematic behavior outweighed whatever joy I got from their work. In addition, this one also cuts deeper because, and I know how this sounds, they seemed like a good person who was uplifting and supporting many marginalized communities.

I know many people who are what I hope is still cynical, and they just assume everyone is problematic, and if we have not heard about it, it is because they are better at covering it up, but personally, stories and characters and the people who bring those stories and characters to me are so important to me that I don't know how not to love certain works and characters deeply.

Note: For anyone who is not involved in the fandoms impacted, please understand why we are mourning, even if you are not mourning the same way, and show us kindness and compassion, please. For some of us, particular fandoms are where we feel most able to be ourselves, and having those safe spaces tainted by problematic people is hard.

Note: I apologize to other fandoms who have gone through this which were not my fandoms so I doubt I was compassionate enough because I did not truly understand how much that fandom meant to you. Jumping to cut all ties was much easier for me so I do not think I fully honored or respected  your big feelings.

3. Remembering It Is Out Of My Hands

I "know" there is no causation nor correlation, but my heart, emotions, and feelings are struggling because at a recent book club we read a book where the author brought up the idea that everyone is problematic, and if we have not heard about it, it is because they are better at covering it up. At the book club, I was like everyone can't be problematic, and while I didn't say or even think about the current individual, when I said that not everyone is problematic on some level, it felt like I put it out in the universe, and the universe was like, Well, now it will turn out one of your people will be problematic to prove you wrong and show everyone is. 

4. Remembering I Don't Control Others

Coming off of number 3, I know that it was not the fact that I cared deeply about the fandom or thought the person was a good person that caused them to turn out to be problematic, but my heart, emotions, and feelings are struggling. 

Honestly, for the last several days, I have tried not to think about other people or fandoms that mean a lot to me because I didn't want to bring them to the attention of the universe. I have wanted to keep them safe since no one knows who is next to turn out to be problematic.

I know my love is not what causes problematic behavior, nor is there some creature who will read my mind and strike down someone because I care, but honestly, right now, thinking about things I love feels risky or scary.

I am processing these thoughts because leaning on other characters or fandoms in this time of need makes sense. During these tough times, I need my comfort characters even more.

5. TBD

I am still in the thick of this and am still trying to process. How I will navigate the future is unclear. I very briefly talked to someone who is a therapist as their day job and they mentioned decoupling the wisdom I have gain for the problematic person's characters from the problematic person.

6. Right now I am leaning towards*:

• Not buying any of the problematic person's works moving forward
• Not promoting the problematic person, even though some of their quotes have been go-tos for me.
• Keeping the works I have, it might be a long time before I feel comfortable re-reading them, but the books quietly sitting on my shelf are not supporting the problematic person. The same is true for other media on platforms such as YouTube, where a video is not directly supporting the problematic person.
• I feel personally that relatively soon I will continue to read fanfiction stories in fandoms that the person was involved in since the problematic person gets no financial benefit from random stories on AO3, and reading fanfiction anonymously doesn't feel like any statement of agreement with the problematic actions.
• Related to the above, I have written a few fanfiction stories that include some of the characters in the works by the problematic person, honestly more as set pieces, but I feel like I can keep them up because that seems like an okay way of separating the creator from the work since the problematic creator gets no real benefit from the fanfiction stories a few handfuls of people have read.
• I do think inside my head I will still lean on some of the characters created by the problematic creator, because if they remain in my head, I can get the comfort I need while not supporting the problematic person in any real way. 

*Everyone will make different personal choices about how they relate to works created by problematic people. Also in this case it is not the works themselves that have been found to be problematic just the creator in other situations other choices will be made.

Defining My Terms (Pride Edition)

 

Happy Pride Everyone. Talking to a friend I was reminded that it never hurts is define our terms once in a while especially when it comes to being queer. So here is a quick summary of what I mean when I use various terms to describe myself. I am giving an explanation in terms of

a) Definitions

b) How it plays out in my life

c) How it plays out in the stories I love/the characters I am in relationship with. 

Ace (Asexual) 

Definition: Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction to others 

In real life: I have never had any interest in having sex with anybody, of any gender. Reproductive organs are not my thing. LOL I have identified as Ace the longest, long before I had the term or concept to describe myself. 

Stories/Characters: While I have zero personal interest in having sex I do read fanfiction and especially queer fanfiction often includes sex in some form. For me its like going to the circus and seeing a high wire act and going the physics of this is interesting but I'm not going anywhere near a high wire. Now sometimes I can tolerate sex in stories better than other times, sometimes I get overwhelmed and it is all too much and I fall back on thinking patterns of "why are people silly and have sex?" LOL Sex in stories has to be on my own terms.  

Aro (Aromantic)

Definition: Aromantic is the lack of romantic attraction to others

In real life: This is a much more recent identification for me in the last 6-12 months. It really is thanks to the book Loveless by Alice Oseman where it finally clicked I could appreciate romance in stories and not want it for myself. In my case it was having spent over a decade trying to figure out/define what romance is in order to figure out if I wanted it and finally going after a decade of thinking about the subject if I still have no idea what romance is (when chocolate is romantic vs. just yummy) I am probably Aro since if I was really into romance I would have figured that out by now.

Stories/Characters: I have no problem with the concept of romance in stories and often find it sweet, but once I get to a certain threshold it gets to be overstimulating and I need a break. (I also hate when there are interpersonal issues because people will not just talk to each other which seems to happen a lot in romance based stories)

Parasocial relationships/Characters: In my daydreams we do things that some might consider romantic but they don't have romantic overtones to me. For example reading together, drinking cups of tea, talking, sharing a meal, and even sometimes a few deep pressure hugs or the occasional top of the head kiss/forehead kiss (Not lip kissing, I personally have no interest in partaking in lip kissing even in my daydreams)

Gender: Cisgendered Womanish?

This is less an definition and more just feels like it is part of the queer trifecta of identity.

I won't go into tons of detail, but personally, my gender is the most up in the air. I in general identify as a cisgendered woman but hold very loosely to that identity. I don't really feel like a woman, or at least feel like I can relate to the experience that most women have with their identity as women, but I also don't really feel any deeper connection to any other gender, and I often don't feel like I care enough about gender to claim to be nonbinary or nonconforming. I currently go with Any for my pronouns (and love when people think I am queer enough for them to use they/them for me), but I rarely present myself in a way that anyone would question my gender therefore I consider myself cisgender womanish)

Pride Book Roundup #2

In addition to my normal focus on reading LGBTQA+ books as part of Pride, this Summer I am working on a Summer Reading Challenge through Three Avenues Bookshop. 

Note the challenge also includes some picture books which I will include in my weekly roundups but am NOT counting towards the books I have read for this year because I feel like that would artificially inflate my totals lol. 

The Baker and the Bard by Fern Haught (Fiction)

My Review:

This was a sweet little "gentle, gentle" story which I really appreciated.

Icarus by K. Ancrum (Fiction)

My Review:

This was a really compelling queer retelling of the Icarus story. A story about discovering who you are by learning who others are in relation to you. A story about the long shadows the past can create over the future and how challenging it can be to move into the sunlight.

Black Girl, Call Home by Jasmine Mans (poetry)

My Review:

This was the second time I read this collection and I enjoyed it just as much as I did the first time. And it works for Lo's "A woman with her back turned on the cover" category for the summer reading challenge.

Contemplating the Comments Section ...

This post will contain spoilers for the Doctor Who Episode Rogue

This post is inspired by a conversation I had with someone in the comments section of a post about what I consider the wonderful Doctor Who episode "Rouge" and Spoilers, the lovely kiss between The Doctor (Ncuti Gatwas) and Rogue (Jonathan Groff), as shown in the clip below.

Let's say there were lots of feelings people had around the kiss, some positive and some negative. I for one found it a super sweet kiss, and that while being aroace so in general, not someone overly into kisses or kissing (or at least mouth kissing). 

 

I was able to see that The Doctor and Rogue liked each other (both characters clearly consented to the kiss), and the episode felt organic to me, especially since it was very much a Bridgerton-inspired episode. I have not watched Bridgerton, but I know it is a show all about romance and various forms of attraction LOL.

 

There will never be a show or story that everyone enjoys. But when commenting, it is important to use precise language. The more precise language used, the less likely you are to be misinterpreted. 

 

For example, I have mentioned to some of my friends who also watch Doctor Who that while I love Nucti, I feel like this season the Doctor has not been spotlighted as much (in part because Ncuti was involved in other projects at the same time he was filming Doctor Who), and I would like to see more Nucti Doctor content. 

 

Some people who commented about the episode clearly did not like the romance or the kiss, but the language used is often very vague: "the show is too political,"  "the show is woke,"  "there is a social agenda," etc., and they are upset when that vague language is interpreted as being racist, homophobic, transphobic, etc. 

Here is a poem I wrote:

Thoughts about people in the comment section

By Dreaming Ace

I’m aroace, I don’t really get the concept of kissing on the lips

Yet I know kissing is something that people do in life, in real life

So I’m so confused when you “comment section people” say that

A kiss between two wonderful characters is pushing an agenda

Do people really not kiss in the world you live in? In your universe?

Is there no Love? No sharing of emotions? No connections?

Even I know that “emotional recognition” and “deep-seated tenderness”

Sometimes develops into romance and dancing and awe and wonder

Sometimes even develops into what you would call Love all within a single night

While I will always love queer platonic storylines, and we need many more of those

I also enjoy other storylines, platonic friends storylines, romantic storylines

Even the occasional wibbly wobbly timey wimey situationship storyline

In my world, in my universe, in my timeline or whatever you call it

We know that people Love each other, we know different people love

Different people, we know that Love can look like so many things

More combinations then their are stars in the sky, or sand on the beach

We know that gender or romantic attraction or even sexual attraction

Can be very fluid, ace and aro, trans and nonbinary, pan and poly

Even I know that “emotional recognition” and “deep-seated tenderness”

Sometimes develops into romance and dancing and awe and wonder

Sometimes even develops into what you would call Love all within a single night

While I will always love queer platonic storylines, and we need many more

I also enjoy other storylines, platonic friends storylines, romantic storylines

Even the occasional wibbly wobbly timey wimey situationship storyline

I’m aroace, I don’t really get the concept of kissing on the lips

Yet I know kissing is something that people do in life, in real life

So I’m so confused when you “comment section people” say that

A kiss between two wonderful characters is pushing an agenda

Do people really not kiss in the world you live in? In your universe?

Is there no Love? No sharing of emotions? No connections?

***********

Here is the comments conversation that inspired this post. 

Note: 

My responses to the commentor were assuming the person 

Did not intend harm with their original comment, 

I addition I was coming from a place of safety. 

This does not mean anyone else should feel compelled 

To respond to people in the comments section. 

C = Comment section person, M = Me

C: People aren't angry because they're homophobic or transphobic or bigots, they're angry because the show is focusing too much on politics and pushing a social agenda rather than focusing on telling a good story. Most people watch shows like Doctor Who for escapism, not for a political lesson, but it's hard to complain about that without people misinterpreting it as bigotry.

M: I'm curious what social agenda you mean? The fact that in real life people sometimes kiss other people? The fact people find other people "hot"? Or the fact that people like to dance? I mean I'm aroace so don't kiss people, don't find people "hot" and I don't happen to like dancing with others because I want the freedom to dance however I want on the dance floor :) but I found this episode to be wonderful and sweet. I personally didn't see any "political lesson" so I am asking which one you found in this week's episode? Have a nice day.

C: There's the comment about a "hot summer with Houdini" there's the binary/non-binary thing in The Star Beast, there's the unnecessary and historically inaccurate race swap of Isaac Newton, there's the pronoun conversation in the Star Beast and there's another pronoun conversation in The Devil's Chord, there's Maestro's comment about Ruby playing songs for "heartbroken lesbians" etc etc. Granted, this is over the course of several episodes but even so, it's clear that politics play a significantly larger role in the show than it ever had before. But this goes back to what I was saying, people should be allowed to not like the political aspect of the show, people should be allowed to not like the show anymore due to the direction it's being taken but it seems many people, rather ironically, would much rather get offended than accept that.

M: I'm sorry but I'm confused how are any of what you listed is social commentary though? Maybe I'm from a different culture because none of that is different from my day to day normal. I mean for the last several years every name tag I have ever seen or had to fill out at church, at social events, at community events etc. had us list our pronouns. (Personally my pronouns are She/Any) Are talking about pronouns uncommon in the communities you spend time in? I really am curious since we seem to have very different world views.

C: Well... yeah, day-to-day life is different for everyone, and honestly, pronouns aren't common in the communities I engage with/in, my home life, work life or social life. This is also the case for many many other people and so to have it come up in the show does feel (to some but not others) as though it's preaching an aspect of gender politics rather than telling a good story

M: Interesting. Thanks for the clarification. Personally I feel it has only added to the story telling and not taken away but I guess others might disagree. Clearly there are as many ideas of what is good storytelling / what is a good story as there are stars in the sky. I think the challenge is when people don't just say this story didn't work for me but use generic and undefined language such as "it too political" or "it's woke" others tend to read into the "too political" as being based in isms and phobias because in general when people are say critiquing a stories structure or pacing or like for me feeling this season has been light on The Doctor focused stories and I want more Ncuti content they don't typically use the language "it's political." For example a comment saying that the focus on The Doctor's "humanness" or his emotions is not working for someone feels a lot different than an "it's too political now" comment even if second person intends the same thing as the first.

Pride Book Roundup #1

In addition to my normal focus on reading LGBTQA+ books as part of Pride, this Summer I am working on a Summer Reading Challenge through Three Avenues Bookshop. 

Note the challenge also includes some picture books which I will include in my weekly roundups but am NOT counting towards the books I have read for this year because I feel like that would artificially inflate my totals lol. 

Dear Wendy by Ann Zhao (Fiction)

My review:

I really really enjoyed this book even if there was a good amount of young adult drama involved. I especially loved the conversations among the Dianas that explored the complexities of being aroace while living in an allo world including the complexities of being aroace in many queer spaces.

It was cool to see a story centered around characters who already knew they were aroace (not a self-discovery or coming out story) and have that aroace identity held in the real tension of what that meant for their long term future.

Ann Zhao states in the introduction "One book cannot reflect every single a-spec experience and all of its intersections with other identity markers -- my goal with Dear Wendy was to add to the a-spec literary canon, not encompass it" and I found that she met this goal completely. 

The Prince and the Dressmaker by Jen Wang (Fiction)

My Review:

This was a very sweet story about when you are true to yourself you are much more likely to thrive. I think many of us would be someone else from time to time if we could and that should be celebrated.

It's Pride Baby! (Kids)

This is a fun kids book focused on the intersectional Black Pride.

My Pride Journey: Ally to Ace to AroAce

 

In the middle of celebrating, protesting, and rioting for LGBTQA+ rights, I think sometimes we forget how much of a journey pride can be. Knowing ourselves is always hard, but knowing our "pride selves" can be even harder. 

Some people know themselves and have language to describe themselves from the very start, while others take a more winding path to self-knowledge. 

I would say while we often speak about being queer or questioning the intricacies of questioning are often glossed over. Today I will share part of my own pride journey from ally to ace to aroace.

Ally 

Growing up in the 90's and early 2000's, I was drawn to the LGBTQA+ experience, or at least the gay experience. I think this was because in the stories I read and watched, the gay dudes either were "adorable" (I know now that some gays really don't like this language because it feels a bit dismissive or infantilizing) or they had to work so much harder for love that it felt like their love was deeper or more real than other types of love.  

Also, while I was unaware that I was aroace or autistic growing up, I think all three of these combined to make queer spaces feel comfortable. I thought I supported LGBTQA+ rights because "Love is Love," and I couldn't understand (and still don't understand) why people could be against love. Now I wonder if it was because they were places where not quite fitting in with society was celebrated and where, if I didn't totally understand the "how to people" rule book, it made sense to me since I was just an ally.

Ace

It wasn't until the 2010's that I had the language of being asexual, and that language really was only a decade old at that point. While asexuality has always existed historically, there has been a real lack of language to describe that experience. And before the internet and people being able to come together to talk about experiences, it was even harder because it was hard to prove a negative, a lack of sexual attraction to anybody. It took even longer for me to identify as Ace.  

Now, looking back, it was very obvious., but I didn't have the language to describe my experience. I know in middle school, I worried my school because I said I was never going to have sex, and they were worried they had "broken" me via sex education and discussions of STDs and AIDS. I don't understand why they were worried about middle schoolers saying they didn't want to have sex, but their worldview at the time could not comprehend that idea. My parents basically reassured them that they hadn't broken me, and I learned to not mention it.

AroAce

This has been my most recent understanding of myself. It took me close to a decade and a half after determining I was Ace to claim my Aro identity. While I knew I had zero interest in personally interacting with anyone's reproductive organs, trying to determine what romance was was more complicated. When I asked what makes something romantic, I got variations of you know it when you see it. 

And honestly, it was not until reading Loveless by Alice Oseman that it finally clicked for several reasons (and why representation in books and stories is so important). Why it took me so long to have it click that I could enjoy fictional characters whose relationships contained romance while not wanting that romance centered on me, I do not know. LOL In addition, I figured if I could spend a decade trying to determine what romance is and whether I would want it, it probably meant I didn't really desire it in the first place. 

The complexities of being aroace are explored really well in the recent book Dear Wendy by Ann Zhao and it is a book I would recommend assuming you can handle a certain amount of young adult drama aka drama that could be resolved quickly if people just communicated LOL

 

My Journey

As you can see, while there were hints all along, my journey to my current AroAce identity took a winding path. I started out feeling like while I wished I could be part of the LGBTQA+ community that I was only an ally, then I realized I was already part of the community because I figured out I was ace, and then finally now I understand I am aroace. 

So know wherever you are on your pride journey you are not alone. 

You are not moving too fast or two slow. 

You are not doing your journey wrong. 

Happy Happy Pride. Happy Pride.

Happy Start To Pride ...

 

Today is the start of pride and no matter where on your pride journey you are, know you are are at the exact correct spot on your journey to figuring out who you are are supposed to be, know you are beloved and loved, know that you are not alone. Also remember it is ok if Pride brings all the feelings. 

The Emotions of Pride

By Dreaming Ace

Today Pride Month begins

Bringing a rainbow of emotions

To our community, to us all

The red of pain, of anger

So many laws legalizing hate, harm

Causing physical and emotional cuts 

That continually drip deep blood red 

Today Pride Month begins

Bringing a rainbow of emotions

To our community, to us all

The orange of joy, of possibilities

The joy of community

The joy of being our true selves

The joy of connection too

Today Pride Month begins

Bringing a rainbow of emotions

To our community, to us all

The yellow of hope, of new days

Even when it feels like the sun has

Been hidden for all time, forevermore

Hold out for our own hope realized 

Today Pride Month begins

Bringing a rainbow of emotions

To our community, to us all

The green of rootedness

Rooted in our history

Rooted in our elders wise

Rooted in our dreamers

Today Pride Month begins

Bringing a rainbow of emotions

To our community, to us all

The blue of sorrow, of brokenness

The blue of our shame, of our tears

The blue of internalized phobias and isms

The blue of an often times hostile world

Today Pride Month begins

Bringing a rainbow of emotions

To our community, to us all

The purple of our passion for living

Living big, bold, beautiful and handsome too

Living knowing the multiverses we carry inside

Living because that is our highest calling

Today Pride Month begins

Bringing a rainbow of emotions

To our community, to us all

The Brown and Black of our intersectionality

Gender and race and sexuality and

Neurodivergence and disability and education and

Social supports and access to resources

Today Pride Month begins

Bringing a rainbow of emotions

To our community, to us all