Goodbye 2023 ...

 

Today is New Years Eve a time when we tend to look back on our past year and see where we feel like we succeeded and where we feel like we have failed. This is an important time to remember one of the mythic story of Utgarda-Loki where it appears that Thor, Loki, and their traveling companion failed a series of tests but:

Even though they lost all of the contests, all of them performed great feats unachievable by mortal men. Loki was competing against the fire itself (Logi – ‘fire’ in Old Norse), but nonetheless he was consuming his food nearly as fast. Thialfi raced against thought itself (Hugi – ‘thought’ in Old Norse), and despite that still made it half way to finish line. The other end of the drinking horn from the feasting contest was connected to the sea, and Thor drank a good half of it before setting the horn down greatly scaring the giants that he would drain it whole. Even the cat was no ordinary pet but the World Serpent in disguise, and Thor still managed to lift part of it in the sky over the already depleted sea. As for the final challenge, the elderly woman was aging itself (Elli – ‘age’ in Old Norse) and Thor took an eternity to be defeated by it.

So no matter how you think you did in 2023 I am here to tell you, you have preformed great feats. I do not know what 2024 will bring you, bring me, or bring the world but I know we all we continue to perform great feats. In this time of reflection know you are amazing and wonderful. I hope you have a good 2023.

-----

New Years Eve 2023 

by Dreaming Ace

On this New Year’s Eve

As you reflect on your past year

Remember, the Utgarda-Loki tale

The challenges you have faced

The moments you feel you have failed

The “throw away the plan” days

Were days you faced off against fire

Or raced thought itself or consumed the Ocean

Were days you were succeeding

Succeeding even if you didn’t know it

Even if you didn’t see it or feel it at the time

Succeeding even if you didn’t know it

If you are currently alive

You have succeeded in 2023

You will succeed in 2024

No matter how drained

No matter how deeply tired

No matter how lost you were

If you are currently alive

You have succeeded in 2023

You will succeed in 2024

Succeeding even if you don’t know it

Even if you didn’t see it or feel it at the time

Succeeding even if you don’t know it

On this New Year’s Eve

As you reflect on your past year

Remember, the Utgarda-Loki tale

The challenges you have faced

The moments you feel you have failed

The “throw away the plan” days

Were days you faced off against fire

Or raced thought itself or consumed the Ocean

Were days you were succeeding

"Gentle, Gentle" Holidays

It's December which is a month filled with holidays and holiday activities for many of us. In the middle of the hustle and bustle of this time of year we can become overwhelmed and need to pause. We need to be "gentle, gentle" with ourselves at this time of year. If you are so overwhelmed you don't know how to pause here are a few suggestions.

• Pause and take a few deep breaths
• Move a little: go for a walk, stretch, do yoga, kickbox etc. 
• Drink a hot beverage: tea, hot cocoa, etc.
• Read something for fun
• Put a yule log up on your computer or TV
• Listen to a fun holiday mix of music
• Watch a fun holiday special
• Take a nice warm shower
• Use some nice lotion
• Order a meal in
• Take a nap when needed
• Get whatever you are feeling out via journaling, or physical activity, or a creative activity
• Make sure you are eating 
• Remembering this Christmas does not have to look like last Christmas. 

10,000 Deaths: Heartbreaking Milestones

 

According to NPR:

The conflict between Israel and Hamas has reached a gruesome milestone: More than 10,000 people have died in Gaza in the four weeks since the conflict began.

On Monday, the Ministry of Health in Gaza reported more than 10,000 people killed — most of them women and children — in the besieged territory.

 

While every single death in war is a death too many, I know when numbers get that big it is hard to conceptualize so I translated what 10,000 deaths would be equivalent to for different countries* since Gaza's population is small so the same number of deaths mean a greater heartbreak for Gaza then other countries with larger populations. The collective impact of say losing 1 in a million people is different than say 1 in a thousand which is different from say 1 in a hundred. 

About half a percentage of those living in the Gaza Strip have been killed

(The Gaza Strip has a population of about 2 million, so 10000 is about half a percent)  

Half a percentage of those living in Israel is about 46,820

(The population of Israel is 9.364 million) 

Half a percentage of those living in the US is about 1,659,500

(The US population is about 331.9 million)

 

So if the conflict happened here in the US it would be the equivalent of losing the population of

San Antonio 1,472,909

Or

Philadelphia 1,567,258

Or 

Phoenix 1,644,409

Or 

About twice the causalities of the US civil war

10/16/23 c

By Dreaming Ace

The problem with wars that last generations

You can always find a reason to continue fighting

The other side is always doing something

That you believe somehow “justifies” war

“Oh my god, enough!

Now you listen to me…

I said enough!

I’m sick of all this fighting!”*

We will never know who threw

The first stone, or at least the first stone 

After Europe told you two to cage fight 

Over a bit of meaningful but arid land

No no no no no!

No, you don’t!

When you have a problem you come home

You don’t go off and make matters worse on your own*

You DO NOT take hostages

You DO NOT prevent humanitarian aid

You DO NOT launch rockets

You DO NOT create modern day apartheid

You DO NOT target civilian’s only possible escape routes 

You DO NOT choose genocide as an answer

“Oh my god, enough!

Now you listen to me…

I said enough!

I’m sick of all this fighting!”*

“Because it's always the same. 

When you fire that first shot, no matter how right you feel, 

You have no idea who's going to die. 

You don't know whose children are going to scream and burn. 

How many hearts will be broken! 

How many lives shattered! 

How much blood will spill until everybody does 

What they're always going to have to do from the very beginning -- 

SIT DOWN AND TALK”**

*”Enough” from In The Heights

*The Doctor's War Speech from Doctor Who

 *All population data differs slightly depending on the source but the over all truths are the same

Happy Ace Week: Ace Fandom

Fans have interpreted a wide range of characters as being Ace or Aro (Sherlock Holmes, The Doctor (Doctor Who), ...) and some amazing writers/showrunners have said that either a character is Ace or Aro or at least open the door for that interpretation by fans. 

I will always love Neil Gaiman's response when answering questions about the characters in Good Omens:

Neil Gaiman @neilhimself

I wouldn't exclude the ideas that they are ace, or aromantic, or trans. They are an angel and a demon, not as male humans, per the book. Occult/Ethereal beings don't have sexes, something we tried to reflect in the casting. Whatever Crowley and Aziraphale are, it's a love story.

https://x.com/neilhimself/status/1137370226931228672?s=20

But all-in-all few characters are openly Ace or Aro so when we see such a character especially when it is a positive portrayal it tends to make us feel seen and very happy. (I know there have been a few openly ace characters recently but I am not a big fan of teenager relationship dramas so a few I only know from other peoples comments about those shows)

One example of an Ace character I love is Spooner from Legends of Tomorrow. Spooner's "coming out" is neat on multiple levels.

• The word Asexual is actually used (It is nice NOT having her Asexuality be open to interpretation, it is not "she is not into those things" which could be ace or could be something completely different but they actually use the word asexual)

• The "coming out" is taken seriously, it is not laughed away but it is NOT trauma filled and feels pretty realistic to me, you run into the concept and go "Oh I guess this explains my experience"

• While we can't be 100% sure, since Legends of Tomorrow was cancelled soon afterwards, based on how other Legends of Tomorrow character's sexuality has been portrayed Spooners asexuality would not have been forgotten by the show nor would it be her only story. 

• It is nice to have someone who is BIPOC be ace because I feel like when characters are identified as ace it tends to be white characters which could give others the mistaken idea that asexuality is only for white people which is 100% NOT True. Anyone from any background can be ace or aro.

Spooner comes out as ace (Legends of Tomorrow 7x10)

Zari 2.0: I think we have a few minutes before the next try. So smash, marry, kill. Nate, Gwyn, Gary? 

Spooner: Um... No, not... not... not really into any of them. 

Zari 2.0: Copy, okay, how about Sara, Ava, Astra? 

Spooner:  Not... not... not really into any of them either. 

Zari 2.0: Also copy. Okay. What is your type? 

Spooner: You know, I don't really get those types of feelings for anyone. Maybe it's one of those things those mushroom aliens messed up about me, huh? ( Chuckles ) 

Zari 2.0: Hey, no, no, no. What you're describing is totally normal. It just means maybe you're "Ace".

Spooner gives a confused look

Zari 2.0:  Asexual, people who identify as Ace have little or no interest in sеx but many of them still want to be in relationships. 

Spooner: Wow, uh... ( Chuckles ) I guess that makes me Ace. 

Zari 2.0: OMG, did you just come out to me? 

Spooner: I guess I did. 

Zari 2.0: Yeah. 

Spooner: Okay, well, okay, first of all, who would have thought you'd be the first person I'd tell? 

Zari 2.0: Not me. 

Spooner: Okay. 

Zari 2.0: Cheers. ( Both chuckling )


 

Happy Ace Week: Symbols

 

Today I will go through some of the symbols of asexuality.

I have to say I really like the colors of the asexual pride flag (in part because my favorite color is purple) First officially used in August 2010, the asexual pride flag consists of four horizontal stripes: black, gray, white, and purple from top to bottom. Black represents asexuality, and gray signifies the gray area between sexuality and asexuality. The white stripe denotes non-asexual partners, and the purple stripe stands for community.

Asexual cake is an emoticon and symbol associated with asexuality and communities of asexual people online. It’s association with asexuality comes from the idea that cake is better than sex. Because of this, it has become a pride symbol for asexual people, used to express their asexuality and as an in-joke within the community

Wonderful dragons have become a symbol of the asexual community even though why exactly is a bit murky. It seems like it started as a thing on tumbler that got absorbed into cannon. For some it is because dragons are often considered mythical in a similar way to how asexuality is consider mythical to many allosexuals. For others it is because if you are not going to have a story focus on sex including a dragon will keep it interesting. In other cases it is because some ace characters are known to like dragons. I love dragons so I am completely happy with claiming them as an asexual symbol.  

The only piece of jewelry I wear is an simple ace ring. I started wearing one to show the world I was ace but know that few people even within the ace community know what my ring means so it really is just symbolic for myself.  The tradition of wearing a black ring on the right-hand middle finger can be traced back to AVEN. As early as 2005, people were discussing this style as a way to identify other ace folks in public. Black was chosen to be a neutral color, and the right-hand middle finger is supposed to prevent any conflict with other symbolic rings. The design of the ring does not matter, though the most common style is a simple band. 

Happy Ace Week: Defining Myself

 

Today I will expand on how I currently define myself within my ace identities

Sexuality: Ace

For me of my ace identities, being Ace is the most clear cut. I do not experience sexual attraction and or sexual desire. (Sexual attraction as defined as attraction that makes people desire sexual contact or shows sexual interest in another person(s).) I have never looked at someone or read about a character and wanted to touch reproductive organs together. 

But I am interested in why individuals choose to engage in sex. And reading fanfiction (especially queer fanfiction) is one of my special interests so I have a very well-rounded understanding of the concept of sex (I know the mechanics, a very wide range of kinks, proper BDSM etiquette from safe-words, to hard and soft limits, to the need for aftercare especially sub-drop)

I do always find it interesting that I have a deep knowledge base around sex and more than once have been able to define and explain the thought patterns behind kinks etc. to others. Basically no matter what you do sex wise assuming it is between consenting adults is fine with me while I know none of it is my cup of tea when it comes to actually participating.

I will say since most of my sex exploration is via fanfiction or fictional portrayals sometimes I forget that sex is something that people outside of fanfiction/fictional characters do in real life and am surprised when I am reminded that other people have sex and even enjoy sex too. LOL

Romantic Orientation: Fictoromantic? Aromantic? Demi-Fictoromantic?

If I wanted romance it would be with fictional characters so I would say I'm Fictoromantic? but of my ace identities my romantic orientation is complicated and unclear. For me this is because "romance" is less defined. For example sex usually (though not always) involves interactions between reproductive organs, wanting to interact with reproductive organs, or sensations involving reproductive organs. 

On the other hand how would you define romance/romantic behavior? If you go by Wikipedia "Romance or romantic love is a feeling of love for, or a strong attraction towards another person, and the courtship behaviors undertaken by an individual to express those overall feelings and resultant emotions." But that is not helpful if you love "love" but don't necessarily want to be courted.

What one person considers romantic in one context is considered creepy in another context. For example in The Script - The Man Who Can’t Be Moved the main character says they will stay on the street corner because they believe a girl will change her mind about loving them, where as when people actually do camp out in front of peoples houses after being dumped it is considered being a stalker. 

Defining romance seems to involve the intentions behind an action. I love eating chocolate but buying chocolate for myself is not typically defined as romantic. I like nice smelling candles but when given to me by my parents not it would not be considered romantic even though my parents love me. So even with fictional characters* while I would not mind being given chocolates, candles, or flowers I do not know what intention I would want them to have behind giving me those things. Oh defining romance beyond you know it when you see it is almost impossible.

What I would want in a relationship?: Ficto-queerplatonic relationships?

When it comes down to sexuality and romantic orientations I feel like it really is trying to pin down what type of relationships you are seeking with others. I would say for me I overall am seeking queerplatonic relationships with fictional characters*. 

I want a kind of plantonic intimacy that includes drinking tea together, having long conversations, leaning on their shoulder as we both sit on the couch while we read our own books, being understood even when words are not available ...

And I think I am drawn to fictional characters because I can easily get overstimulated/peopled out by other people so I want to be in relationship with characters who are always there when I need them but are not there when I need space/quiet/alone time

*Fictional Characters broadly. I sometimes include real people in this category who I have an fictional relationship with or have created my own version of RPF (Real person fiction or real people fiction) stories in my mind. So they might be "real" people but I interact with them on a fictional level and even in cases of ones I have met at conventions I would not really want a relationship with them just the idea of them I have in my head.

Happy Ace Week: Definitions

 

Language around asexuality/aromanticism is more nuanced and complex than you might think. (I will write about trying to define myself tomorrow) In June of 2022 I went into much of language that has been created around being ace in Expanding Asexual Identity Language but for this ace week post I will stick to a few general highlights 

(Note I am taking definitions from various websites so wording will vary)

Sexual attraction

Attraction that makes people desire sexual contact or shows sexual interest in another person(s).

Romantic attraction

Attraction that makes people desire romantic contact or interaction with another person or persons.

Asexual

Asexuals do not experience sexual attraction and or sexual desire. Some people might confuse this with celibacy, however it is not the same. As celibacy is a choice, where as being asexual is not. "Ace" is often used for asexual.

Aromantic

Aromanticism is a romantic orientation characterized by experiencing little to no romantic attraction. The term "aromantic", colloquially shortened to "aro", refers to a person whose romantic orientation is aromanticism.

Allosexual

Allosexuality means feeling sexual attraction towards others. Basically if you are not part of the asexual umbrella you would be allosexual.

Demisexual

A demisexual is someone who experiences sexual attraction only after establishing a close emotional and/or romantic bond with another. This should not be mixed up with ‘deciding not to have sex until knowing someone better’. Demisexuality is not a choice. They cannot feel any sexual attraction before a close connection is formed.

Graysexual

Graysexuals (or greysexuals) experience sexual attraction infrequently. Some graysexuals will only experience sexual attraction only once or twice in their life. Others might experience this more often, but in general still not nearly as frequent as an allosexual.

Fictosexual

A fictosexual falls under the asexual umbrella as they do not experience sexual attraction to (real life) people. Fictosexual is a term used for people who experience sexual attraction exclusively towards fictional characters. Or, alternatively, whose sexuality is influenced by fictional characters.

Fictoromantic

Fictoromantic, is an umbrella term for anyone who experiences exclusive romantic attraction toward fictional characters, a general type of fictional characters, or whose romantic orientation is influenced by fictional characters.

Queerplatonic 

Queerplatonic relationships and queerplatonic partnerships are committed intimate relationships which are not romantic in nature. They may differ from usual close friendships by having more explicit commitment, validation, status, structure, and norms, similar to a conventional romantic relationship.