Who We Are: Squiggly Identity Boxes

Who are we? Who do we allow others to be? How are those identities always in flux? These are some of the questions I am exploring after reading a recent Instagram post by Wentworth Miller where among other wisdom Wentworth states (All bold added by me).

We use others as signposts to navigate identity. "I am this so she is that. She is that so I am this." Then it turns out she is this AND that or neither this NOR that or WAS that but is now THIS and we get pissy. We put her in her box, came back later to find her somewhere else. (Bad dolly.)

It's not that she's "complicated" or "confused." It's that we relied on her identity to bedrock our own and now we're the ones complicated. Confused.

The assuming ("here's your box") and insistence ("stay there") could be what prevents many of us from being seen. From being + seeing ourselves.

Oh course my first thought was in what ways do I use others as signposts to navigate my identity and in what ways do I put people in boxes? I was concerned I was one of the people who stands in the way of others and their growth. Which is the opposite of what I would want for those who I love.

But after a good amount of thought and some journaling I think I can say, or at least hope I can say that my boxes are very squiggly boxes in the same way that the box marked "Tree" within the larger box called "Art" is very squiggly and can include photos, growing plants, or even glasses of water on a shelf if you happen to be Sir Michael Craig-Martin CBE in the 1970's.  

Each is a form of "Art" and each is a form of "Tree" and even though the photo is a very different expression of the "Art"/"Tree" box than the glass of water is,  putting both in the "Art" and "Tree" boxes still makes sense. (Thank You Talk Art podcast for making it sound like I know something about art and allowing me to name drop a few artists names LOL)

Personally I think I put people in "boxes" that are made up of the various patterns of circles that are formed as each identity is dropped into the smooth water. Different language now fits your experience? Ok different patterns in the water are being made but there are still circles that I can lean on. 

I am equal opportunity when it comes to putting groups into these squiggle boxes. I put people in these squiggle boxes, I put characters in these squiggle boxes, I put times and places and multiverses in these squiggle boxes. I rely on others to be the bedrock of my identity because without any bedrock my boat tends to get lost at sea.

And while I know it is a bit odd, because Wentworth talks at other points in the Instagram post about the issues when people associate actors with the characters they play, I think a Captain Cold quote fits pretty well here:

There are only four rules you need to remember: make the plan, execute the plan, expect the plan to go off the rails, throw away the plan. Follow my lead and you'll be fine.

All you have to do is substitute the term "boxes" for "plans" and I think you have a healthy model of creating squiggly boxes around people. (I do have to say the above is a really versatile Captain Cold quote.)

I believe a good example of the squiggles of boxes I put others in is the the fact that I often find myself daydreaming and processing with a wide variety of Captain Cold's and Wentworth Millers who fit into a wide range of different squiggly boxes.

• When I need something to hold to bring comfort I hold my Captain Cold POP figure. 
• When I need someone to be snarky or punny I reach for Captain Cold Flash/Legends of Tomorrow version. 
• When I need someone to share hot cocoa with mini marshmallows with I reach for Flash's Captain Cold. 

• When I need someone adorable in a Kilt I reach for deleted scene Captain Cold :) 

• When I need someone to hold space for me because my brain is going wonky or when I want someone who would understand what I am feeling or experiencing I reach for the Inspirational Speaker Wentworth (Oxford Version, or Active Minds Version or HRC Speech Version) or I reach for a daydream/fanfiction Wentworth or a Leo Snart from Earth X. 
• When I seek the spaces at the edges of the known universe where magic and wonder and formation and change all are occurring like a multiverse of stars being born I reach for Instagram Wentworth

Instead of someone who demands that someone stay in their box I just split them all up into all the ever shifting squiggly boxes I need them to hold down for me.  

On the second point Wentworth makes about using others as the bedrock of our own identity I found this hits homes for me. 

• I am what Pete Buttigieg or Chasten Buttigieg or Wentworth Miller would say I am
• I am who Captain Cold or Leo Snart or Leonard Snart or The Doctor would say I am
• I am who the TARDIS or JARVIS or Gideon of the Waverider would say I am
• I am who I would be in the TARDIS, or on the Waverider, or at Lux with Lucifer
• I am who I would be hanging with Loki or Ganesh or any of the Endless (From Sandman)
• I am who I would be talking to Neil Gaiman, or Robbie Thompson, or Alan Turin, or Lin-Manuel Miranda or Russell Tovey or Robert Diament or …
• I am the stories I read and the daydreams I have and the poems I write and the Art I consume …

I find I often use others to navigate who I am, which squiggly boxes I belong in, and process how I can respond/navigate/understand/not be overwhelmed by other people. I find myself putting others in squiggle boxes because I need someone in that particular squiggly box at that particular moment.

I understand the dangers of a single squiggle box are like the dangers of a single story but sometimes while I allow others to grow and change and melt and reform and circle back and spiral outward I still keep them in a box. While I do not mean to harm these people and characters I care deeply about, I am aware of the possible danger to them when I put them into any box even a squiggly box. 

Finally going back to Art Lilli Carré's Glazing, a looped hand-drawn animation, is a visual representation of all this discussion of identity and boxes. (Glazing is the first animation clip on this page of her work)