Living Lighter: Self Care: Loopholes

As Ann Borges writes in The *More or Less* Definitive Guide To Self Care:

This week one "Loophole" that is working well for me is to "hack" Instagram culture. There has been an ongoing discussion on how social media including sites such as Instagram can negatively impact our mental health because we see this curated perfect world version of others and can start to compare our messy real lives to that ideal version. So Instagram culture may seem like an odd place to turn for a self-care loophole.

I have "hacked" this viewpoint to help me make healthier food choices. This started when I started to have my roommate take photos of my cultural heritage cooking projects. I have now started taking photos of the dinners I make myself each night. I do not create these photos for Instagram but I do share with one of my roommates.

I have found planning on taking a photo means I put in the extra effort to make sure my dinners are colorful and even garnished. It means I eat more veggies and less junk. It means eating meals I will be proud to show off.

While each and every person has their own challenges to eating well, fitness, mental health, and self-care, that simply means that each and every person can find a creative "hack" to feeling their best.

Connecting To Community During COVID

I have to admit that this season of COVID has led to me feeling more connected to my wider community. This means more connected with the roommates I live with. This means more connected to others in my apartment building. This means more connected to the people who are my neighbors.

I have found since we all are spending more time at home I am "seeing" more of my neighbors. Much of this seeing is through my windows. This month I have also decided to start to take daily walks to get out of my apartment every day. (Pre-COVID I made it a point to leave every day, during the hight of COVID I got out every 1-2 weeks instead)

On these walks, I am seeing more of my neighborhoods and getting a different feel for who lives in my neighborhood. Before COVID I spent so much time in the wider City of Chicago I spent little time exploring my own backyard.

Though I have lived here for almost a decade I am finding 2020 has deepened my connection to my local context. I am seeing how the local context can have a major impact on us all. (I recommend anyone who is able to, go for a daily walk to really see the houses and flowers and birds, and butterflies and even sometimes neighbors you would not otherwise see.)

Take the opportunities and challenges that 2020 keeps bringing and find ways to use such moments to deepen your connection to community. Your household community, your neighborhood community, your faith tradition community, your communities that are only found online. Take the time to build community so you have a network when you are struggling or if you feel alone.

What Is America's Idenity?

What Is America's Identity? Whose voices are heard? Not heard? Whose stories are valued? These are questions that we are all asking as a nation right now. How do we validate the truth #BlackLivesMatter? How can we deconstruct white supremacist systems?

I explored some of these issues in a poem I wrote 3 years ago but that is still relevant:

7/10/17

This Summer I am Shadow Moon

Or maybe a reflection of him

Reflected through another point of view

But yet on my own journey

As Mr. Wednesday said

“This is the only country in the world that wonders what it is.

I mean, no one wonders about the heart of Norway

Or goes searching for the soul of Mozambique.

Mozambique knows what it is. They all know what they are”

As Mr. Wednesday said

“Did you make snow?

Well, if you choose to believe you made snow,

then you get to live the rest of your life believing that you can do things that are impossible"

As Mr. Wednesday said

“So you didn't believe till you did,

and then the world changed because you believed.”

Who is America to you?

Where do you find her?

What Gods do you worship?

Hang out with? Drink tea with?

Drink other drinks with?

Are they from the old lands?

From the new lands?

Or from lands in between?

Which of their stories

Should I read on this journey?

What myths should I believe?

Recommendations wanted

I would say this is a moment where we are all exploring what it means to be American. What is the soul of this country? How do we live up to our highest hopes when we live within systems that perpetuate oppression and discrimination based on race, on gender, and gender expression, on sexuality? What impossible things do we need to believe in?

I wrote this poem 3 years ago but I am still seeking the heart of America and my role here. I am exploring how I can take responsibility for this country I have always called home. Each person has a different idea of what America is, what America should be. I am taking the time to understand what that means for me.

The Role Of Fandom And Fanfiction

Fandom is something special. A community that pushes us to be creative. Or as Anna Borges puts it in her book The *More or Less" Definitive Guide to Self Care :

One form that this creativity takes is fanfiction. I am an avid reader of fanfiction and even have written several fanfics that I have shared with a few family and friends. I have seen fanfiction provide the space that others need to process their own lives and the lives of those they care about. 

I have also seen fanfiction provide the room to explore the full range of human identities and intersectionalities. In this capacity, I have seen fanfiction take the problematic aspects of works and face them head-on and explore what these universes would like without the problematic aspects.

For some works by authors who hold problematic views (Racist, Homophobic, Transphobic, Sexist ... views) become problematic themselves. For others works that edit out or omit the complexities of a time period or a creative universe are an issue. There is no right or wrong way to wrestle with these issues in our fandoms but this wrestling is important. 

This is shown in the following tweet by Lin-Manuel Miranda in response to critiques of the show Hamilton which has recently been released on Disney+. 

Fandoms can be amazing. Fandoms can be problematic. Both are true. So keep the parts that are affirming to you and debate and challenge and critique the parts that are not. Critique does not mean something is "bad" or "evil" just that it is flawed like everything in life. So enjoy your fandoms and work to make your fandoms even better.

Listening To Yourself (Using the 5 Ws)

Listening to ourselves can be challenging.  It can sometimes feel like everyone has their own opinions of what will be best for us. It is important for us to sit with ourselves for extended periods of time to "hear" what we are trying to tell ourselves. One way to work through listening to ourselves is by using the 5 Ws we learned in elementary school.

Who do we see ourselves as?

This should start with our own identities and intersectionality. Who do we want to be known as? Who is our truest self? Who do others see us as and does that differ from how we see ourselves?

How?

• Free journalling in a physical journal or a google file
• Watching Queer Eye on Netflix (Many episodes are focused on individuals learning who they want to be and how their current actions are either supporting that identity or hindering that identity)
• Exploring one identity or intersection through music, or books, or articles, or food ...

What do we want?

This is more about the experiences we want or the skills we want then simple what stuff we want. This can also be about intangibles such as respect or love or understanding.

(NOTE: If you are in a position where you personally need (or are part of wider communities that needs) things such as affordable housing, stable employment, access to food, clean water, physical and mental health care, etc then wanting stuff is completely justified.)

How?

• Pondering if we were guaranteed to succeed what would we want to do
• Trying new things in an area we want to explore. (If you want to cook more try 1 new recipe each week and see how it goes and what types of food you like to cook)
• If there is an experience we want or skill we want to develop what is the smallest first step we can take, or the smallest first step we can do today towards that goal.

When do we feel our best selves?

These are the moments both present and in the past that made us feel the most whole. These can be big moments or tiny everyday moments. What fills us with Joy?

How?

• Listing what we loved to do as children that we could do once again: Playing Tag, Reading, Climbing a tree, Building a fort, Going on an adventure (either in your own neighborhood or in your imagination) ...
• Putting on a favorite outfit or costume or cosplay
• Connecting with the individuals and communities which always encourage us and remind us that we are beloved exactly how we are

Where do we thrive?

As we do different activities we will find different places that help us thrive. Where we thrive when doing work will be different from where we thrive when we are relaxing or where we thrive when we want to be energized.

How?

• Identifying the different activities we do and the different locations we can go (Even if this is just around home and locations are simply a table, a chair, your bed, a kitchen)
• What small changes might we make to make space more specialized (Moving a desk next to a window? Moving a table so our living room has more open space? Carving out part of a room to be an inhouse gym where we can easily access the equipment? ...)
• Find ways to allow the opportunity for a change of scenery (From working from a different room, changing the art or nicknacks in a space regularly, to taking a few moments outside each day)

Why do we need to listen to ourselves?

We need to listen to ourselves as part of a wider regular self-care routine and when we are feeling or acting in confusing ways. Listening to ourselves means we can better know what we need or want from situations as we go through life.

How?

• Listen to discussions of the purpose of feelings or how to mediate
• Brainstorm how we can change or better respond to situations that are bothering us
• Being open to what we are telling ourselves means we can be more open to what others are telling themselves or telling us

Learning to listen to ourselves is a key skill many of us have struggled to develop. When we do not know where we might even start in this process it can be useful falling back on tried and true frameworks such as the 5 Ws. Everyone'sjounry toward self-knowledge will be different but sometimes it is useful to have somewhere to start such as this blog.

Meaningful 4th Of July Actions

This is the start of the Independence day weekend. For some a time of celebration, for others a time of remembrance. Many people struggle to balance this holiday weekend and the racist roots of our country. Our country was founded on slavery and the stealing of Native lands. One way to balance this history is to find alternative actions to take instead of the typical food and fireworks, in celebration.

Taking actions to deconstruct white supremacist systems:

This might look like watching a film or listening to a speech or reading an article.

This might mean taking a white audit of the organizations you are part of and asking questions such as:

What diversity is present?
What diversity is missing?
What are some of the barriers to greater diversity?
How can we dismantle those barriers? 

This might mean educating yourself around the issues of intersectionality that you friends and family and neighbors are facing.

Taking actions to normalize mental health.

This might mean you taking an online course exploring mental health first aid or exploring the physiological foundations of mental health.

This might mean you taking the time to check in with yourself and your mental health.

Where are you thriving?
Where are you struggling?
Where might you reach out for support?
What actions could you do right now to start?

This might mean taking the time to check-in and listen to those in your life who might appreciate someone reaching out.

Taking actions to declutter your life:

This might mean physically decluttering, removing what no longer servers you, and finding a place for everything else

This might mean unplugging, unsubscribing from emails you don't need, setting limits to the amount of time you spend on social media, or the time you spend on the news.

This might mean a goal audit where you drill down into what your current goals are and what you can do right now towards those goals.

I hope no matter how you celebrate or remember this 4th of July weekend that your actions are meaningful to you.

Dive Deeper: Mid-Year Planning

Welcome to July!!!

2020 is half done (which might bring you joy or might bring you anxiety). No matter how you have experienced 2020 so far take a moment to breathe. It has been quite a year so far and you are doing great.

Since we have made it to mid-year this is a good time to review and reflect on how your life is going and think about any course corrections you would like to make.

Depending on how much time you can set aside you might want to reflect on areas such as:

• Health: (Physical/Mental/Emotional/Spiritual)
• Relationships/Connection: (Family/Found Family/Friends/Communities)
• Mission/Purpose/Goals:
• Experiences/Learning/Creativity: 
• Self Care: (See The *More or Less* Definitive Guide to Self-Care by Anna Borges)

Personally, I reflected on how I can keep focused on my year-long theme of Living Lighter and Diving Deeper.

For example, I reflected on each of my daily activities for the month of June:

• Fitness
• Pride
• BlackLivesMatter
• Spiritual
• Workweek/Weekend
• Other

After reflection on which I had found useful, which brought joy, which served their purpose and were done, and which simply became a headache I created my list of daily activities for the month of July:

• Fitness
• BlackLivesMatter
• Creative
• Wellness
• Workweek/Weekend
• Other

Of course, a daily task list for you would look different depending on what you want to focus on and what you feel you need to focus on. 

There are no right or wrong answers but some tips I have picked up are:

Balance Structure/Flexibility: 

Structure will help you not need to stress about making lots of choices each and every day. Flexibility means you have wiggle room if something comes up. 

For example for Fitness this month my structure is doing 3 a day: A short Darabee fitness program, yoga with Adriene, and then either a walk outside or a dance fitness class (Flexibility depending on the weather)

Set A Limited Number Of Goals:

Personally, I have found 6 (with a few of the 6 being multipart) work for me. This is not a hard and fast rule but from experience, if you plan to do say 20 things a day you will not get to them all and can become discouraged. If you have a larger number of goals you can always make them unofficial goals (See Below)

Record All Your Accomplishments (No matter how small):

In my lists, I have an "other" category for this exact reason. Personally, I find if I have a long list of daily tasks it can sometimes be hard to do other tasks as they come up because I will not get "credit" for it. With an "other" category I can list such items and feel I am accomplishing things. 

(Also think of tasks not necessary in terms of objective size but about how much effort you need to make, so, for example, setting up an appointment or making a phone call might not take much objective effort, but if it has been on your list for a long time or it is one of your "Impossible Tasks" doing what you need to do to get it done (asking for help, etc) is a major accomplishment. Celebrate these accomplishments!!!) 

So welcome to July and may the rest of the year serve you well.