Happy Ace Week: Ace Fandom

Fans have interpreted a wide range of characters as being Ace or Aro (Sherlock Holmes, The Doctor (Doctor Who), ...) and some amazing writers/showrunners have said that either a character is Ace or Aro or at least open the door for that interpretation by fans. 

I will always love Neil Gaiman's response when answering questions about the characters in Good Omens:

Neil Gaiman @neilhimself

I wouldn't exclude the ideas that they are ace, or aromantic, or trans. They are an angel and a demon, not as male humans, per the book. Occult/Ethereal beings don't have sexes, something we tried to reflect in the casting. Whatever Crowley and Aziraphale are, it's a love story.

https://x.com/neilhimself/status/1137370226931228672?s=20

But all-in-all few characters are openly Ace or Aro so when we see such a character especially when it is a positive portrayal it tends to make us feel seen and very happy. (I know there have been a few openly ace characters recently but I am not a big fan of teenager relationship dramas so a few I only know from other peoples comments about those shows)

One example of an Ace character I love is Spooner from Legends of Tomorrow. Spooner's "coming out" is neat on multiple levels.

• The word Asexual is actually used (It is nice NOT having her Asexuality be open to interpretation, it is not "she is not into those things" which could be ace or could be something completely different but they actually use the word asexual)

• The "coming out" is taken seriously, it is not laughed away but it is NOT trauma filled and feels pretty realistic to me, you run into the concept and go "Oh I guess this explains my experience"

• While we can't be 100% sure, since Legends of Tomorrow was cancelled soon afterwards, based on how other Legends of Tomorrow character's sexuality has been portrayed Spooners asexuality would not have been forgotten by the show nor would it be her only story. 

• It is nice to have someone who is BIPOC be ace because I feel like when characters are identified as ace it tends to be white characters which could give others the mistaken idea that asexuality is only for white people which is 100% NOT True. Anyone from any background can be ace or aro.

Spooner comes out as ace (Legends of Tomorrow 7x10)

Zari 2.0: I think we have a few minutes before the next try. So smash, marry, kill. Nate, Gwyn, Gary? 

Spooner: Um... No, not... not... not really into any of them. 

Zari 2.0: Copy, okay, how about Sara, Ava, Astra? 

Spooner:  Not... not... not really into any of them either. 

Zari 2.0: Also copy. Okay. What is your type? 

Spooner: You know, I don't really get those types of feelings for anyone. Maybe it's one of those things those mushroom aliens messed up about me, huh? ( Chuckles ) 

Zari 2.0: Hey, no, no, no. What you're describing is totally normal. It just means maybe you're "Ace".

Spooner gives a confused look

Zari 2.0:  Asexual, people who identify as Ace have little or no interest in sеx but many of them still want to be in relationships. 

Spooner: Wow, uh... ( Chuckles ) I guess that makes me Ace. 

Zari 2.0: OMG, did you just come out to me? 

Spooner: I guess I did. 

Zari 2.0: Yeah. 

Spooner: Okay, well, okay, first of all, who would have thought you'd be the first person I'd tell? 

Zari 2.0: Not me. 

Spooner: Okay. 

Zari 2.0: Cheers. ( Both chuckling )


 

Happy Ace Week: Symbols

 

Today I will go through some of the symbols of asexuality.

I have to say I really like the colors of the asexual pride flag (in part because my favorite color is purple) First officially used in August 2010, the asexual pride flag consists of four horizontal stripes: black, gray, white, and purple from top to bottom. Black represents asexuality, and gray signifies the gray area between sexuality and asexuality. The white stripe denotes non-asexual partners, and the purple stripe stands for community.

Asexual cake is an emoticon and symbol associated with asexuality and communities of asexual people online. It’s association with asexuality comes from the idea that cake is better than sex. Because of this, it has become a pride symbol for asexual people, used to express their asexuality and as an in-joke within the community

Wonderful dragons have become a symbol of the asexual community even though why exactly is a bit murky. It seems like it started as a thing on tumbler that got absorbed into cannon. For some it is because dragons are often considered mythical in a similar way to how asexuality is consider mythical to many allosexuals. For others it is because if you are not going to have a story focus on sex including a dragon will keep it interesting. In other cases it is because some ace characters are known to like dragons. I love dragons so I am completely happy with claiming them as an asexual symbol.  

The only piece of jewelry I wear is an simple ace ring. I started wearing one to show the world I was ace but know that few people even within the ace community know what my ring means so it really is just symbolic for myself.  The tradition of wearing a black ring on the right-hand middle finger can be traced back to AVEN. As early as 2005, people were discussing this style as a way to identify other ace folks in public. Black was chosen to be a neutral color, and the right-hand middle finger is supposed to prevent any conflict with other symbolic rings. The design of the ring does not matter, though the most common style is a simple band. 

Happy Ace Week: Defining Myself

 

Today I will expand on how I currently define myself within my ace identities

Sexuality: Ace

For me of my ace identities, being Ace is the most clear cut. I do not experience sexual attraction and or sexual desire. (Sexual attraction as defined as attraction that makes people desire sexual contact or shows sexual interest in another person(s).) I have never looked at someone or read about a character and wanted to touch reproductive organs together. 

But I am interested in why individuals choose to engage in sex. And reading fanfiction (especially queer fanfiction) is one of my special interests so I have a very well-rounded understanding of the concept of sex (I know the mechanics, a very wide range of kinks, proper BDSM etiquette from safe-words, to hard and soft limits, to the need for aftercare especially sub-drop)

I do always find it interesting that I have a deep knowledge base around sex and more than once have been able to define and explain the thought patterns behind kinks etc. to others. Basically no matter what you do sex wise assuming it is between consenting adults is fine with me while I know none of it is my cup of tea when it comes to actually participating.

I will say since most of my sex exploration is via fanfiction or fictional portrayals sometimes I forget that sex is something that people outside of fanfiction/fictional characters do in real life and am surprised when I am reminded that other people have sex and even enjoy sex too. LOL

Romantic Orientation: Fictoromantic? Aromantic? Demi-Fictoromantic?

If I wanted romance it would be with fictional characters so I would say I'm Fictoromantic? but of my ace identities my romantic orientation is complicated and unclear. For me this is because "romance" is less defined. For example sex usually (though not always) involves interactions between reproductive organs, wanting to interact with reproductive organs, or sensations involving reproductive organs. 

On the other hand how would you define romance/romantic behavior? If you go by Wikipedia "Romance or romantic love is a feeling of love for, or a strong attraction towards another person, and the courtship behaviors undertaken by an individual to express those overall feelings and resultant emotions." But that is not helpful if you love "love" but don't necessarily want to be courted.

What one person considers romantic in one context is considered creepy in another context. For example in The Script - The Man Who Can’t Be Moved the main character says they will stay on the street corner because they believe a girl will change her mind about loving them, where as when people actually do camp out in front of peoples houses after being dumped it is considered being a stalker. 

Defining romance seems to involve the intentions behind an action. I love eating chocolate but buying chocolate for myself is not typically defined as romantic. I like nice smelling candles but when given to me by my parents not it would not be considered romantic even though my parents love me. So even with fictional characters* while I would not mind being given chocolates, candles, or flowers I do not know what intention I would want them to have behind giving me those things. Oh defining romance beyond you know it when you see it is almost impossible.

What I would want in a relationship?: Ficto-queerplatonic relationships?

When it comes down to sexuality and romantic orientations I feel like it really is trying to pin down what type of relationships you are seeking with others. I would say for me I overall am seeking queerplatonic relationships with fictional characters*. 

I want a kind of plantonic intimacy that includes drinking tea together, having long conversations, leaning on their shoulder as we both sit on the couch while we read our own books, being understood even when words are not available ...

And I think I am drawn to fictional characters because I can easily get overstimulated/peopled out by other people so I want to be in relationship with characters who are always there when I need them but are not there when I need space/quiet/alone time

*Fictional Characters broadly. I sometimes include real people in this category who I have an fictional relationship with or have created my own version of RPF (Real person fiction or real people fiction) stories in my mind. So they might be "real" people but I interact with them on a fictional level and even in cases of ones I have met at conventions I would not really want a relationship with them just the idea of them I have in my head.

Happy Ace Week: Definitions

 

Language around asexuality/aromanticism is more nuanced and complex than you might think. (I will write about trying to define myself tomorrow) In June of 2022 I went into much of language that has been created around being ace in Expanding Asexual Identity Language but for this ace week post I will stick to a few general highlights 

(Note I am taking definitions from various websites so wording will vary)

Sexual attraction

Attraction that makes people desire sexual contact or shows sexual interest in another person(s).

Romantic attraction

Attraction that makes people desire romantic contact or interaction with another person or persons.

Asexual

Asexuals do not experience sexual attraction and or sexual desire. Some people might confuse this with celibacy, however it is not the same. As celibacy is a choice, where as being asexual is not. "Ace" is often used for asexual.

Aromantic

Aromanticism is a romantic orientation characterized by experiencing little to no romantic attraction. The term "aromantic", colloquially shortened to "aro", refers to a person whose romantic orientation is aromanticism.

Allosexual

Allosexuality means feeling sexual attraction towards others. Basically if you are not part of the asexual umbrella you would be allosexual.

Demisexual

A demisexual is someone who experiences sexual attraction only after establishing a close emotional and/or romantic bond with another. This should not be mixed up with ‘deciding not to have sex until knowing someone better’. Demisexuality is not a choice. They cannot feel any sexual attraction before a close connection is formed.

Graysexual

Graysexuals (or greysexuals) experience sexual attraction infrequently. Some graysexuals will only experience sexual attraction only once or twice in their life. Others might experience this more often, but in general still not nearly as frequent as an allosexual.

Fictosexual

A fictosexual falls under the asexual umbrella as they do not experience sexual attraction to (real life) people. Fictosexual is a term used for people who experience sexual attraction exclusively towards fictional characters. Or, alternatively, whose sexuality is influenced by fictional characters.

Fictoromantic

Fictoromantic, is an umbrella term for anyone who experiences exclusive romantic attraction toward fictional characters, a general type of fictional characters, or whose romantic orientation is influenced by fictional characters.

Queerplatonic 

Queerplatonic relationships and queerplatonic partnerships are committed intimate relationships which are not romantic in nature. They may differ from usual close friendships by having more explicit commitment, validation, status, structure, and norms, similar to a conventional romantic relationship.

Happy Ace Week: What Is Ace Week?

Happy Ace Week Everyone. Now I have to admit I forgot that this week was one of my weeks until my LGBTQA+ church posted about it. Thank you for the reminder. There is something powerful about a week where people from around the world are celebrating who I am. In addition Ace Week is important because so many people still do not understand what being Ace is all about. This week I will do a series of posts around Ace Week. 

So what is Ace Week? Here is a great summary via aceweek.org

Ace Week (founded as Asexual Awareness Week in 2010) is an annual event that puts asexuality in the spotlight. Part celebration of the progress we’ve made as a community, and part campaign for greater understanding and acceptance of asexual-spectrum identities, Ace Week is a time to focus on all things ace*.

The ace community has made significant headway over the years. Asexual representation in mainstream media continues to improve, major LGBTQ+ organizations now acknowledge and include us, and ace community groups have sprouted up and flourished in cities around the world. Ace Week gives us an opportunity to recognize these achievements and the efforts that made them possible.

Though we have much to celebrate, the fight for visibility and acceptance is still ongoing. Ace identities are often overlooked or misunderstood, and many aces still grow up not realizing that asexuality is an option. Since the issues aces face are directly influenced by their other marginalized identities, many in our community—especially aces of color, disabled aces, and aces with other LGBTQ+ identities—can face significant barriers to equality and acceptance.

In light of this, aces all over the world participate in Ace Week by creating educational resources, sharing information on social media, and organizing community events. These global initiatives serve to raise awareness, spread information, and spark discussion about ace identities. More and more people discover ace communities each year, and with them, find acceptance, comfort, and joy.

*The word ace refers to identities that fit within the asexual spectrum, and to the individuals who hold those identities.

"Gentle, Gentle" Days Are Key

 

My roommate has been gone this week so my goal was to do a combo of "staycation" activities (so I felt like I was on vacation too LOL) and "spread out" activities since I had the apartment to myself (for example working on writing my holiday etc. cards since I could spread out my cards on pretty much every surface in the apartment and not be in my roommate's way LOL)

I have been going pretty non-stop this week, and yesterday hit a wall and realized that while I still had lots I had wanted to get done this week, that I had accomplished a ton, and needed to take a "gentle, gentle" day before jumping into a busy weekend.

As Wentworth Miller put it in some of his Instagram posts this summer:

gentle, gentle

slow, slow

thoughtful, thoughtful

flow, flow

I find following this advice/wisdom/rhyme has been really helpful and reminds me to take time for "gentle, gentle" days. (Similar to how following Captain Cold's four rules "make the plan, execute the plan, expect the plan to go off the rails, throw away the plan" is helpful because it turns changes to plans into the plan itself.)

This feels like a good time to practice having multiple things be true at the same time which is a concept being highlighted in some of the communities I am involved with.   

I am not likely to accomplish all I set out to do this week AND I accomplished a lot of things (many I was not originally planning on.) 

I have several things "due" this weekend (Finishing a book for book club on Sunday, getting the main part of the apartment nice and tidy for when my roommate returns) AND I need to be "gentle, gentle" with myself

I know having a clean and organized space can reduce stress AND cleaning and organizing can cause stress so I know by the end of the weekend my space will not be as cleaned and organized as I hoped it would be 

So today I am taking a "gentle, gentle" day. I am going to rest and renew myself. I am going to work on reading and cleaning etc. but in micro chunks (read one chapter, put away 10 items etc.) If you are in the middle of a busy season (or will be in the middle of a busy season which is pretty much everyone come the end of the year lol) make sure you take regular "gentle, gentle" days.

Language Is Complex

 

This week there has been an interesting conversation going on one of the Instagram accounts I follow. The particular conversation is not important but it is a conversation about words, identities, and the difference between what words mean and how they are commonly used. 

For the purposes of this post I will expand on the tomato metaphor though of course on Instagram it was not about tomatoes.

Someone posted a quote "Fruit and Tomatoes" from some unknown source and said you mean "Fruit and Fruit" Fruit includes tomatoes and always has. 

There are a wide range of responses from statements that go "Tomatoes are not fruit" to people going but what about "sundried tomatoes" or "tomato sauce" or "are you saying that other things like olives, eggplant, pumpkin etc. are also fruit? to statements that go "when I am holding a tomato it feels like it is different from when I am holding a fruit" 

There are also responses that go "When listing what ingredients I need for a recipe saying I need fruit when I need a tomato will not get me what I need for the recipe." 

And others have mentioned "well in my context the only way to get tomatoes is to go to a vegetable store, because we don't have any fruit stores, and the rare fruit stores we do have do not have tomatoes" 

All which highlights the complexity of language. 

Sometimes being part of a large group is vital, if we are fighting for fruit rights, tomatoes should be included both in those who are fighting as well in the demands that the fruit group is fighting for.  

Sometimes being really specific is vital, "I need a jar of imported from Sicily sundried tomatoes in olive oil, rosemary, and garlic for this recipe"

Finally sometimes the best we can do is use a term that is false but explains our needs the best. "I am making a veggie tray and need assorted vegetables including tomatoes" or "Tonight for dinner I both need several types of fruit And tomatoes"

So all in all this week has been a week where I keep thinking about language, the language we use to describe ourselves, the language others use to describe us, how both types of language are always in flux, and how often language is used in such a general manner that it even gets more confusing. All the different interpretations of the metaphoric statement "Fruit and Tomatoes" has been giving me a lot to think about. 

Coming Out/Coming In Day

"Tired Of The Silence" – I Am Harvey Milk (Original Live Cast Recording)

 Coming Out/Coming In

By Dreaming Ace

We live in a world where once again

Our truths are being criminalized

Who we are is being criminalized

Loving ourselves

Loving others

Love

Is being criminalized

Because people are afraid 

Of our boldness 

Of our belovedness

Of our self-knowledge

Because people are afraid

Of living

Of love

Of joy

Because people are afraid

Saying the word Gay makes people Gay?

Providing gender affirming care 

Is anything other than the totally right thing to do?

Today is a day where we speak that we should come out

But for all too many of my siblings that is unsafe

Coming out means being willing to be a flag bearer

As the air is filled with harm

So whether you come out this day

So whether you come in to yourself this day

It does not matter

You are loved

You are beloved

You are wonderfully made

So whether you come out this day

So whether you come in to yourself this day

No matter what anyone else says

You are loved

You are beloved

You are wonderfully made

So whether you come out this day

So whether you come in to yourself this day

No matter it can feel like our existence is being criminalized

You are loved

You are beloved

You are wonderfully made

Happy coming out/coming in day

World Mental Health Day 2023

Today is World Mental Health Day. 

The theme for World Mental Health Day 2023 is 'Mental health is a universal human right.' This subject emphasizes the necessity of assuring that everyone, regardless of age, socioeconomic class, or background should have access to high-quality mental health care and support.

World Mental Health Day

By Dreaming Ace

Minds are odd little things

For every time our brains only see the good

There is a time that they only see the bad

Minds are odd little things

For every time they know we are never alone

There is a time they only know isolation

Minds are odd little things

For every time they see clearly

There is a time that they lie to us

And we all experience both/ands

We all hold multiples truths at the same time

Where life means everything And Where life means nothing at all

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times,

It was the season of light, it was the season of darkness,

It was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair”*

Mental health includes wisdom of others**

"gentle, gentle

slow, slow

thoughtful, thoughtful

flow, flow"

Mental health includes listening to our selves

What do our minds need?

What do our bodies need?

What do our souls need?

Mental health includes connecting to help

Therapy

Medication

Treatments

An understanding ear

Community

Connection

Belonging

'Mental health is a universal human right.'

No matter if we walk with

Depression, Anxiety, Suicidal Ideation, Self Harm

PTSD, Schizophrenia, Eating Disorders, Addictive Behaviors 

Bipolar Disorder, Panic Attacks, Burnout

'Mental health is a universal human right.'

No matter where we might find ourselves walking

As Asylum Seekers and Refugees

In War Torn Lands and Economical Disinvested Communities

As Undocumented or as those Kidnaped by Governments

'Mental health is a universal human right.'

No matter what we might see on the walk

racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, classism

No matter what we might not see on the walk

Anyone who we thinks understands

'Mental health is a universal human right.'

We all deserve to understand our minds

We all deserve to feel connected, in community

We all deserve to be seen, be heard, be listened to

We all deserve to tell our stories

We all deserve access to support

*A tale of two cities

**Wentworth Miller

Let Freedom Read ...

 

(Picture of part of a display at my local library branch)

October 1-7 is banned books week this year. Banned Books Week is an annual event that highlights the value of free and open access to information. I am lucky, my library system, the Chicago Public Library declared itself a sanctuary for endangered stories, and established Book Sanctuaries across 77 distinct neighborhoods and 81 library branches last year. Each Book Sanctuary provides opportunities to expand local access to banned or challenged books.

This includes displays highlighting commonly banned books all year not just for banned books week. This also includes a wide range of events. Last year's One Book One Chicago was Maus by author Art Spiegelman when that work of literature was being widely and publicly banned in many places. This week there is a traveling performance group presenting Books On The Chopping Block

The City Lit Theater Company presents a theatrical display of iconic banned and challenged books in celebration of Banned Books Week 2023. Learn about some of the most popular banned/challenged books of 2022 and decide for yourself - should these books be banned from having anyone read them? What would it be like to have a book banned in your school or public library?

All to often books are banned for LGBTQ+ content because they are deemed "explicit" but the fact that characters sometimes think about sex, hooking up, kissing someone or use words such as Gay, Trans, Gender Fluid etc. does not mean something is "explicit." The same is true for stories that reference the fact that most humans have genitalia of some kind.

I am Ace, sex was rarely on my radar BUT I was never traumatized by stories that mentioned sex or characters interested in sex. Youth who are already thinking about sex are even less likely to be traumatized because the occasional awkwardness or awkward giggling generally does not traumatize kids. And kids are NOT traumatized reading how different people fall in love with people of different genders. 

Banned Books Week is the same week as Mental Illness Awareness Week and during LGBT History Month and while each is its own thing it is fitting that all of these overlap since in many ways they are interconnected. 

When books are banned or students are prevented from reading those books it is often because they contain LGBTQ+ content (see the list of top 10 challenged books from 2022 below) and when youth are taught that being LGBTQ+ is somehow wrong (because that content is banned) they often internalize the message that they themselves are somehow wrong instead of beloved and wonderfully created, and this internalized homophobia, transphobia, etc. often leads to mental health challenges.

Here is a link to a number of actions you can take in order to fight for the freedom to read.

Let Freedom Read

By Dreaming Ace

Honoring this banned book week

Is even more important than typical

When record numbers of books

Are being banned

Banned because they dare

Dare show the wonderful and multifaceted

Face of humanity, Face of people

Dare to show reality

Banned because they dare

Dare show that bad things happen

That people get hurt, get wounded

That trauma is truth sometimes

Banned because they dare

Treat all people, Treat all kids

As if they are human beings

With wants and needs and thoughts and dreams

So many contested

 Because of LGBTQ+ content

Books celebrating all our LGBTQ+ siblings

From today or yesterday or centuries ago or tomorrow

Kids can handle challenging idea

Kids can handle things they don't know

Kids can handle knowing everyone is different

Kids can handle stories including LGBTQ+ content

And

Kids Are Gay, Are Lesbian, Are Bi, Are Pan

Kids Are Trans, Are Gender Nonconforming, Are Gender Fluid

Kids Are Ace, Are Aro

Kids Are Queer, Are Questioning

Allowing kids to see themselves

Themselves in the stories they read

Or see their friends and family in those stories

Is important, Is vital, Is necessary

Otherwise all too often kids will

Internalize that they are different

Wonder if they are broken

Wonder if they are wrong

Otherwise all too often kids will

Feel like they are all alone

With whatever is inside their heads

Wonder if they should exist at all

This week is banned books week

But also Mental Illness Awareness Week

The data proves why showing kids they are not alone 

Can be a matter of life or death

45% of LGBTQ youth seriously considered attempting suicide in the past year*

Nearly 1 in 5 transgender and nonbinary youth attempted suicide*

LGBTQ youth who live in a community that is accepting of LGBTQ people 

Reported significantly lower rates of attempting suicide than those who do not*

This years banned book theme is "Let Freedom Read"

This week read a contested or banned book

This week write a letter or email or op-ed

About why banning books is so harmful, hateful, traumatizing for kids

Let Freedom Read

Let Freedom Read

Let Freedom Read

*https://www.thetrevorproject.org/survey-2022/

https://www.ala.org/advocacy/bbooks/by-the-numbers

(https://www.ala.org/advocacy/bbooks/frequentlychallengedbooks/top10)

Welcome October Wisdom

 

We have entered the month of October:

October Poem By Dreaming Ace

Cool breezes of fall will arrive

October’s wise wisdom is soon upon us

A month clearly focused on magic

Yoga calendar states the theme of Ease

At church a month focused on Gratitude

Planner states “Seek Joy in the little things”

A month honoring reading banned books

Magic, Ease, Gratitude, “Seek Joy”, Read

October’s wise wisdom is upon us

For me October is often a full month. I try to do something loosely Halloween based everyday. This can look like reading a book, seeing a film, going to a talk at the library, watching a Halloween episode, listening to a podcast etc. This means when I get to Halloween itself I have evidence that I fully immersed myself in this season of magic. 

I hope you are able to find ways to experience magic at this time of year. 

In addition this year all signs point to the importance of taking this month to deeply root myself so that I am all warm and cozy come winter. 

Rooting in Ease. 

Rooting in Gratitude. 

Rooting in Joy. 

Some of this is trying to get ahead on a few projects, some of this is taking inventory, some of this is simply taking the time to pause and reflect as the seasons turn. 

Or as Wentworth Miller recently posted on Instagram:

gentle gentle

slow slow

thoughtful thoughtful

flow flow

8 words aloud every day all day as often as required realigning 

regulating calming + cooling as tides rise temperatures too