Processing Not Being Centered In Spaces

 

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I have been wrestling with my role in spaces where I am not centered, or where my identities are not centered. (Note: I am a white cisgender female identified individual who happens to be Ace.  I also recognize my own privilege in being able to choose how I want to interact with spaces where my identities are not centered where as many others don't have the opportunity to choose)

About 4 1/2 years ago I started attending a wonderful faith community which is "a predominately Black LGBTQ+ affirming church in the United Church of Christ (UCC) denomination that welcomes all people" The music, worship and atmosphere really spoke to me (though all the yummy food did not hurt LOL.) 

In addition I started to be involve with its foundation which is "a Black Queer-led, multiracial social justice organization that advances justice for Black LGBTQ+ people across Chicagoland through empowerment, education, and entertainment. We envision a Chicagoland in which Black LGBTQ+ people are safe, resourced, empowered, liberated, and flourishing."

Recently I have been noticing how I feel around the fact that more and more my identity is not being centered. (I am NOT saying that my identities Should or Must be centered just that it is giving me food for thought around the topic) 

I think some of it is when we used to meet in person (in the before times, before COVID) not being centered was more simply missing a few pop culture references in a sermon or two, or not having as deep a connection to some of the sermon series but feeling I could connect over other subjects.

Now the faith community and foundation feels like it has become more focused on "Black Queer Identity." Some of this can be shown by small groups etc that are now being jointly put on by the faith community and the foundation where sign ups include the question do you identify as Black and Queer or as an Ally. (And I often pause and want a third option like a Black Or Queer Ally, in addition to a general ally option and the Black And Queer options)

Seeing this question over and over again, as well as leadership saying that  "Black Queer Identities" are being center in these spaces reminds me that my "White Queer Identity" is not being centered. 

Processing this has brought up some questions and feelings.

• What does it really feel like not to be centered in a space? 
• What is my place/role in these spaces which I am not centered?
• How do I feel connected without feeling like I am trespassing in these spaces?
• How can I make sure I am not using white privilege to take over these spaces?
• When is "stepping back" being respectful and when is it a failure to engage?
• What does being welcomed in a space you are not centered in look like?

I also know some of this musing is because of other musing I have been doing recently around belonging and meaning in my life. My faith community is one of my main communities that I am involved with (as a freelancer I don't even have a community of coworkers I interact with) so I have been thinking about my roles in communities and what I want my roles in communities to be in the future. 

While these musings are challenging for me I think they are worthwhile and mean I will hopefully have a better idea where I fit in the communities I am part of and how I can have a greater feeling of belonging.