Self Care, Self Love Practice For Feb

 

1/31/22

Once again we come to an end

An end and a beginning all the same

January is almost done walking

This earth but February is yet to come

January started with a New Year’s

Resolution not to be perfect, not perfect

A success, A success, A success

I was not perfect this month. Full Marks

February we add #Selfcare, #Selflove

Since February is the month of Love

Loving absolutely every bit of ourselves

So our Love pours out and covers others

What is #Selfcare, #Selflove varies

For some it is savoring what is present

For some it making “someday” today

For some it is acting, jumping into the new

Once again we come to an end

An end and a beginning all the same

January is almost done walking

This earth but February is yet to come

I have to admit that while February has the fewest number of days it tends to feel like the longest month to me. I have recently come across a practice that Wentworth Miller did 5-7 years ago where he would post a #carechronical showing what he did for #selfcare every day for a month. I have decided I am bringing his #carechronical practice back for this Feb. 

So starting tomorrow I plan to post each day on my Instagram (and possibly other social media as well) about what I did for self care and I welcome everyone to join along with me. Somedays it will be "big" things and other times "tiny" things that others might not even know why they matter to me. 

If you are someone who hears self care and does not think it applies to you, or who has a strong negative reaction I would suggest to think about the below quote where Wentworth explores why he thought some people seemed so hostile to him talking about self-care and him having a self care chronical 

Self-worth (04.01.17 (Scridb))

... If I don’t think I’m worth it .. if at some point in my life I was told and then believed I wasn’t worth the time, care, and attention, anyone’s time, care, and attention .. if someone comes along and suggests I take care of myself it’s going to trigger me. My response will be a) “I’m not worth it.” and B) “F-ck you for reminding me of that fact.”

To engage in a self-care practice is to declare, ”I am worth taking care of.” (see: radical acts)

Self-care isn’t just tweaking my daily-routine. “3 deep breaths when I need them.” That’s on the surface. What’s beneath the surface is this: “I am choosing to care about myself. Enough to give me what I need to continue vibrating at my highest frequency. So I can do and give my best. Every day.”

Practicing self-care necessitates a closer look at how I perceive both my self and my value. It demands an internal, possibly uncomfortable conversation about self-worth, self-love, and whether I do or don’t give a sh-t about my continued existence in this harsh world.

That’s heavy stuff. Potentially. Eliciting heavy responses. Potentially. ...

So come join me in filling February with #carechronicle #walkingwithwentworth #selfcare #selflove #February You are worth caring about !!!!

Read The Books, Read Banned Books

 

This week more books have been banned as we saw when the headline: "Tennessee school board bans Holocaust graphic novel ‘Maus’" crossed our social media feeds.

As The Skim put it in today's email:

Across the country, schools are banning books about topics like race, LGBTQ, and gender. Think: “The Hate U Give,” “George,” “Stamped: Racism, Antiracism and You,” and more. They’re being pulled from school bookshelves in states like Texas, Utah, and Wyoming. One Pennsylvania school board tried to ban a long list of anti-racism books. Now, a Tennessee school board is banning “Maus” — a Pultizer Prize-winning graphic novel about the Holocaust — for profanity and an image of a nude woman.

Often the excuse given is such books make students uncomfortable but in reality rarely is it the students who are uncomfortable. It typically is the adults who are uncomfortable and think these topics are too challenging for their kids. And it is often students who take up the drums and protest they are not being allowed to learn about these topics. 

Note:

• People come in all genders and sexualities (so children also come in all genders and sexualities)
• People come in all races and ethnicities (so children also come in all races and ethnicities)
• People have been mean, racist, sexist, homophobic etc. throughout time so students need to wrestle with these truths

Here is a blog post I wrote for Banned Book Week back in September: Banned Books Week 2021 

While it is not banned book week it might be wise to commit to reading at least one banned book during February and a good place to start might be "Maus." Reading hard books, Reading challenging books, Reading books that make us see the world differently, is important.

Using Our Words Saves Lives

 

A response to harm filled "Don't Say Gay" Bill up in Florida

I am calling out all the politicians

Who want to ban words from schools

Who want to ban ideas from schools

Who want to ban thinking from schools

Using the words

Gay, Lesbian, Bi, Trans, Ace, Questioning

Saves lives

Using the words

Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, Panic Attacks

"It's Ok Not To Be Ok"

Saves lives

Using words

Institutional Racism, Civil Rights, Privilege

Saves our democracy

I am calling out all the politicians

Who want to ban words from schools

Who want to ban ideas from schools

Who want to ban thinking from schools

Using Words Saves Lives

Showing Others We Exist

Using Words Saves Lives

Showing Others We Have Always Existed

Using Words Saves Lives

Breaking Down Walls Of Isolation And Fear And Pain

I am calling out all the politicians

Who want to ban words from schools

Who want to ban ideas from schools

Who want to ban thinking from schools

Your nonsense is like the teacher in

Harry Chapin - Flowers Are Red saying

"Flowers are red young man Green leaves are green 

There's no need to see flowers any other way 

Than they way they always have been seen"

But we all know

When it comes to flowers

When it comes to our lived experiences

When it comes to our identities

It is like the little boy in the song sang...

"There are so many colors in the rainbow

So many colors in the morning sun

So many colors in the flower and I see every one"

I am calling out all the politicians

Who want to ban words from schools

Who want to ban ideas from schools

Who want to ban thinking from schools

Politicians why do you want to cause harm?

Politicians why are you fearful of others identities?

Politicians why are you not moved by knowing 42% 

Of LGBTQ youth seriously considering attempting suicide last year*?

Why do you want students to feel isolated?

Why do you want students to feel alone?

Why do you want students to feel hopeless?

It is hard enough when students feel beloved and loved

They don't need to face adults who refuse to talk about their struggles

Like there is something wrong because they are themselves

Like there is something wrong because they are bold and beautiful

Like there is something wrong because they can only be true to their truths

I am calling out all the politicians

Who want to ban words from schools

Who want to ban ideas from schools

Who want to ban thinking from schools

*

Processing Not Being Centered In Spaces

 

??????

I have been wrestling with my role in spaces where I am not centered, or where my identities are not centered. (Note: I am a white cisgender female identified individual who happens to be Ace.  I also recognize my own privilege in being able to choose how I want to interact with spaces where my identities are not centered where as many others don't have the opportunity to choose)

About 4 1/2 years ago I started attending a wonderful faith community which is "a predominately Black LGBTQ+ affirming church in the United Church of Christ (UCC) denomination that welcomes all people" The music, worship and atmosphere really spoke to me (though all the yummy food did not hurt LOL.) 

In addition I started to be involve with its foundation which is "a Black Queer-led, multiracial social justice organization that advances justice for Black LGBTQ+ people across Chicagoland through empowerment, education, and entertainment. We envision a Chicagoland in which Black LGBTQ+ people are safe, resourced, empowered, liberated, and flourishing."

Recently I have been noticing how I feel around the fact that more and more my identity is not being centered. (I am NOT saying that my identities Should or Must be centered just that it is giving me food for thought around the topic) 

I think some of it is when we used to meet in person (in the before times, before COVID) not being centered was more simply missing a few pop culture references in a sermon or two, or not having as deep a connection to some of the sermon series but feeling I could connect over other subjects.

Now the faith community and foundation feels like it has become more focused on "Black Queer Identity." Some of this can be shown by small groups etc that are now being jointly put on by the faith community and the foundation where sign ups include the question do you identify as Black and Queer or as an Ally. (And I often pause and want a third option like a Black Or Queer Ally, in addition to a general ally option and the Black And Queer options)

Seeing this question over and over again, as well as leadership saying that  "Black Queer Identities" are being center in these spaces reminds me that my "White Queer Identity" is not being centered. 

Processing this has brought up some questions and feelings.

• What does it really feel like not to be centered in a space? 
• What is my place/role in these spaces which I am not centered?
• How do I feel connected without feeling like I am trespassing in these spaces?
• How can I make sure I am not using white privilege to take over these spaces?
• When is "stepping back" being respectful and when is it a failure to engage?
• What does being welcomed in a space you are not centered in look like?

I also know some of this musing is because of other musing I have been doing recently around belonging and meaning in my life. My faith community is one of my main communities that I am involved with (as a freelancer I don't even have a community of coworkers I interact with) so I have been thinking about my roles in communities and what I want my roles in communities to be in the future. 

While these musings are challenging for me I think they are worthwhile and mean I will hopefully have a better idea where I fit in the communities I am part of and how I can have a greater feeling of belonging.

Boots Both/And Sneakers Not Either/Or

 

Right now M&M's are being rebranded slightly. The above picture is the "new" version of all the characters. (And if you look at the above picture and can't see many differences I feel you, I really can't either)

One of the mini "big stories" online is the fact that the Green M&M now has sneakers instead of her pervious boots. There have been several posts online such as one by The Mary Sue who have seen this as an intentional or unintentional critique of women. 

(Now I have to note that most of the comments are taking this all a bit tongue in cheek and discuss how these are just M&Ms and all these critiques are a little silly)

One complaint is that the Green M&M is less sexy now. (And in a nontypical turn of events it is women who are saying the Green M&M should be sexy, so the conversation is less about the male gaze as you might think.) 

There have been complaints that giving the Green M&M sneakers is a form of slut shaming. (There are also what I find more interesting conversations around the idea that Mars felt that if the Green M&M changed her shoes her personality would change)

Now I am coming to this conversation as an asexual cis-gendered female identified individual who has never worn heals, nor boots with any type of heal but I feel like this is a real case of Both/And not Either/Or. 

I always wear sneakers because they are more comfortable and unless it was a good winter/rain/hiking boot with lots of arch support I don't really get boots, especially fashion boots unless it is from the musical Kinky Boots but that is less the boots and more the wonderful songs :) )

Now to be clear this is all about M&Ms which I pretty much just eat and not think about the backstories of the characters. LOL. But I think it is a great example of needing Both/And not Either/Or. Some women wear boots, some wear sneakers, some ballet slippers, some wear high heals, some wear fuzzy bunny slippers. 

I think some of the conversations around these M&Ms is reminding me of other shows where being sexy is presented as a useful target, which don't quite work for me since being ace I really don't care if I am "sexy"

Do I think the Green M&M's shoes needed to be changed? Not really. 

Do I think switching the Green M&M to sneakers is that problematic? Personally No

Do I find the conversations around what footwear can represent interesting? Yep

"Paintings in the Hue of Forever"

Yesterday I went on a walk and visited the new art exhibit at Rotofugi Gallery. The art changes every month or two. The current exhibit is called "Paintings in the Hue of Forever" and is a collection of new works by ChrisRWK. I have to say I was really impressed with the exhibit, it gave me some food for thought, and I would recommend it to anyone in Chicago and who might have a chance to go. It is up until Feb 13.

From Rotofugi's web page:

A child of the 70’s into the 80s, ChrisRWK’s world was often completely flooded with the imagery and ideas presented by his television, his comic books, and the music and movies of the time. Immersed in these various mediums, ChrisRWK began to store the images brought forward though these everyday experiences in what he refers to as a "mental journal". This journal was a haven of his thoughts that he could refer back to whenever necessary. ChrisRWK’s paintings frequently cite past conceptions of popular culture embedded in his psyche's cache.

This use of intertextuality also serves to offer a comfort or familiarity of sorts to the viewer. ChrisRWK’s works frequently reveal everyday musings and people one would pass on the street without looking or thinking about twice. These images also aid ChrisRWK in the creation of a visual language comprised of his own iconographic imagery. Through the repetition of this imagery, ChrisRWK strives to familiarize his viewers with the language he has constructed. ChrisRWK believes that the notions within his pieces serve as a backbone to the many stories created by the onlooker when he or she is viewing the work.

Here are a few of the paintings which really caught my eye: 

not only heroes fly

I really loved the combination of Comic Panels, Robot and Hearts in this work. 

(The robot seems to be in most of ChrisRWK's Work

bright hearts in dark times                standing with you    

      

together in the dark times

These three pieces which were sprinkled throughout the show really spoke to me and the internal wrestling I have been doing recently around life, the universe and everything. 

I also have to say all these paintings are much more impressive in person. So if you live in Chicago and have the chance to go to see this exhibition I would recommend it. 

Unions, Public Actions, And Mountaintops

Today is MLK Day, a day that tends to become about a few quotes, and making a few sandwiches or reading a book or two to kids. So here are a few actions you might take to have a slightly more meaningful day.

Fight For Unions

At the turn of the century women earned approximately ten cents an hour, and men were fortunate to receive twenty cents an hour. The average work week was sixty to seventy hours. During the thirties, wages were a secondary issue; to have a job at all was the difference between the agony of starvation and a flicker of life. The nation, now so vigorous, reeled and tottered almost to total collapse. The labor movement was the principal force that transformed misery and despair into hope and progress. Out of its bold struggles, economic and social reform gave birth to unemployment insurance, old age pensions, government relief for the destitute, and above all new wage levels that meant not mere survival, but a tolerable life. The captains of industry did not lead this transformation; they resisted it until they were overcome. When in the thirties the wave of union organization crested over our nation, it carried to secure shores not only itself but the whole society. (MLK Jr at Illinois AFL-CIO Convention, October 1965)

I have to say it is important to note that while we are all getting for than 10 cents a hour (though I wonder if the current minimum wage is relationally much better), the rest of this really still rings true for so many of us. 

For a brief moment during the height of COVID we seemed to be noticing the important people who bring food to our tables, serve us, provide us care, teach our children etc. but it feels like after remembering for a year or so and now have completely forgotten again.   

Ways To Fight For Unions:

• Join one if you can, organize one if you can't join yet
• Listen to Unions when they say boycott a group
• Write your politicians about the importance of unions
• Think and act on how you want to be treated as an worker 
• Know that how you treat other workers impacts how you are treated

Public Actions For Justice

Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly. Never again can we afford to live with the narrow, provincial 'outside agitator' idea. Anyone who lives inside the United States can never be considered an outsider anywhere within its bounds. MLK Jr 1963

True justice is hard. Very hard. It involves deep reflection and knocking down systems so they can be rebuilt more justly.  It involves those in power to giving up things so that everyone can have what they need to survive. It means doing the hard work of seeing our own intersectionality and how no matter who we are we have contributed (often inadvertently) to the oppression of others.

Public Actions:

• Supporting and amplifying the voices of those who are oppressed by society
• Providing support (material, emotional, connectional) to those who are leading public actions (after asking what they need)
• Putting our own bodies on the line like in the song "Have you been to jail for justice"
• Calling a spade a spade and calling injustice what it is injustice, or racism, or sexism
• Share our inner reflections/processing publicly so others can learn how to process themselves 

Mountaintops:

We've got some difficult days ahead. But it really doesn't matter with me now because I've been to the mountaintop... I've looked over and I've seen the promised land. I may not get there with you. But I want you to know tonight that we as a people will get to the promised land.  MLK Jr "I've Been to the Mountaintop” speech, April 3, 1968

Fights against racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, ableism, internalized trauma, fill in the blank are long, so very long. This is why it is important to make sure we celebrate mountaintop moments. Mountaintop moments when we remember that while we shall not see the end of this journey, that does not mean that the journey is not important or that we are on the journey alone. 

The song "Glory" gets to this point. Sometimes all we can see are the scars and calluses and broken bones and darkness and depression and we wonder "Why? Why are we doing this." Mountaintops remind us that we are moving towards something even if it can be a bit hard to see through storms and forests and deserts wide.

Mountaintops:

• Connect with others on the journey because the fight can feel very lonely
• Take time to reflect on how far we have come and how far we yet have to go
• Prioritize our own mental health, because if we are carrying around a lot of mental junk we will not be able to keep moving
• Know it is ok if we forget the mountain top exists, it can be very hard to see, sometimes harder than a hoped for promise land
• Sing and dance and find other ways to express what we are experiencing and in order to stay alive. Being Alive means Living not existing. And we all have a hammer we can use.

Identities, Boxes, Squiggles

 

Recently I have been in one of my periodic reflections on identity and the meaning of my life. Thinking about the boxes I fit, and the squiggles too, and how I often feel like I am stuck in the awkward spot of being la crème but NOT crème de la crème. 

I have been thinking about who I am, and what social masks I wear for others, what boxes I can tick under various labels, what labels might fit, and what having those labels would mean, and what difference would labels makes? 

And trying to determine which labels fit comfortably and which am I trying to fit into because my current celebrity squish uses them, or I recognized myself in fanfiction about the label. When it is just me being me, and having a me brain and a me life, and when it might be something more.

Which labels I can claim, and which would be disrespectful to others with those labels. Which label spaces I belong and which I do not belong in. And I have been periodically reflecting on all of this for years at this point. 

For example here is a poem I wrote in 2015 (Focused on LGBTQ+ identities but I meant inclusive of all identities, I was just focused on my Ace identity in 2015)

Boxes

We want people to fit in easy to understand Boxes

Gay or Lesbian or Bi or Trans or Ace

But there are no boxes only circles

So like electrons in the electron clouds

We can know approximations, percentages, averages

Heisenberg was right

We can’t know both position and speed

Both the past and the future

And every moment in-between

No one fits perfectly in any box

So if you find yourself in one

Know it cannot contain all of you

That is a truth

That is the answer

That is ok

So I have been in a period of reflection, and we will see what grand adventures I go on before finding the shortest way home to myself. If you are in a period of reflection too just know that you are not alone. We are all trying to figure out this label thing together. <<<Hugs>>>

Local Magic Zen Portals

This is a picture of a neighborhood sculpture/rock formation/magic Zen portal? Over the years I have taken a few pictures of it in different seasons and different lights. It has fallen down and been built back a time or two. It is an old friend who I wonder by on my journeys and trips around the neighborhood. 

Today is one of those days where everything feels like an impossible task, writing this blog, working on some work projects, fill in the blank so today's post is simply noticing the rocks through time and the fact that no matter how we feel (aka what are personal weather is) our rocks will always be there, steady and sure. They may fall down a time or two but they always remain.

These are a few photos of the same rocks in the warmth and green of summertime.

This shows when a few years ago the stones fell down, and then were raised again.

And this is the first picture I took of the rocks

Encanto: Speaking About Things We Don't Talk About

I watched the delightful Encanto with my roommate this weekend (shout out to friends of friends willing to share logins) and it gave me a lot of food for thought. 

Note: I am white so my interpretation is my own interpretation and processing, and probably misses a lot of the nuance of the story. When in doubt about interpretation listen to someone who shares a closer cultural identity to the film. 

I read a fascinating essay that looks at the character of  "Bruno" through a mental health lens and what he represents in many family dynamics. The person or fact that no one talks about within a family. This idea of what we don't talk about is woven throughout the story and we keep hearing about the impact of not talking.

I would say we all have "Bruno(s)" we don't talk about:

• Mental Health Struggles We Don't Talk About Bruno
• Not feeling like we really belong  Waiting On A Miracle
• Feeling that we have to hold everything together Surface Pressure
• A need to be seen as being perfect What Else Can I Do?
• How we are really doing/processing/mourning/feelings/when we need support/help
• Anytime we feel lost, broken or less than an absolutely amazing human being.

And this all ties into a episode of Queer Eye I watched recently that explored the difference between existing and actually living fully which connected to what I am learning as I lean into my New Year's resolution that "It does not have to be prefect."

As I have been processing here at the start of 2022 I have realized that I used busyness as an avoidance tactic. Oh I will read 90+ books and listen to uncountable podcasts and be "A doctor, and a lawyer, and a chemical engineer on the weekends" and and and ... more so I could say that I had done so than because it is really bringing me joy or that the activities are really "Hell Yes" activities. 

For example my flavor of mental health struggle is what I might call "Chronic Languishing" with occasional swirls of darker depression symptoms (but the exact term is not what is important nor exactly how many boxes I can check off and if I can check off enough at any given time to be considered struggling with mental health)

The key is I often find that I am not flourishing, where I feel like I am a record stuck in a groove, or in the words of another Disney film not knowing when my life will begin. Or as I put when someone else asked in a different context:

I have created a little den and I have been hibernating in the liminal space and it is a pretty cozy den but there is a drip coming from somewhere and it is pretty drafty, and I have misplaced the door, and am a bit hazy on how to get out or why going out into the wilds of outer space is a good idea. Why being "here, here" is important and how to live and thrive and not just exist.

But this often is a "Bruno" that I don't talk about because people tend to overreact and worry about my safety or look at me in confusion and go but you look happy. Neither which is particularly helpful when I am languishing.

I know that A Cover Is Not the Book and we are all struggling with our own stuff and I try to turn to those who can help me Trip a Little Light Fantastic characters, actors, writers, historical figures, friends who understand because they carry their own "Brunos" and have have talked about those "Brunos". 

Like the ending song in Encanto we often learn what we need to do is talk about our "Brunos" with others so we can lay a new foundation and find new ways to be community with and without the gifts we hope for. Talking about our "Brunos" is important for us all.

They paved paradise and put up a parking lot ...

In our neighborhood the city is planning work which will mean the removal of close to 30 trees that are over 100 years old. This really feels like an example of "paving paradise to put up a parking lot" There has been a local effort to change the cities mind and we have been talking to our alderman (FYI alderman are the local level officials in Chicago) but he has limited power.

As posted on the Facebook group: West Lakeview Trees:

We are working to save our matures trees from being destroyed as part of water main work scheduled for immediately after the holidays, and to also set a precedent for other neighborhoods. We do not want to have the same kind of destruction here that has happened in Andersonville and other areas. Currently, all the trees on the east side of Paulina St. between Roscoe St. and Belmont St. as well many trees on surrounding streets will be cut down unless alternatives are found.

We have been writing emails and contacting anyone who might be able to stop the project for a moment such as City COO Paul Goodrich (paul.goodrich@cityofchicago.org) and saying:

We are writing to express our strong opposition to the Department of Water Management's plans to cut down at least 29 mature trees in the 47th Ward starting next week as part of the water-main replacement work on Paulina and surrounding streets.

The Department of Water Management has not completed a thorough investigation into available, less-destructive alternatives to traditional trenching that would spare these important trees. This project should be stalled until that investigation is completed to the satisfaction of the community and Alderman Martin.

You have the power to stop this project from moving forward. I urge you to do what's right and to delay this work until a fair exploration of alternatives is conducted.

We have numinous reasons the project should be paused including but not limited to:

• Tree's importance for the wider ecosystem
• Tree's ability to keep our neighborhoods cooler in the summer
• Trees help absorb runoff rain water so there is less flooding
• Trees increase property values
• There are a wide range of alternatives that would save the trees
• There are cheaper alternatives that other cites nearby have used 

Over all when we have asked for a pause and for all options to be shared the response from the government has felt something like:

We have always done it with trenches that destroy all the nearby trees and we don't want to deal with considering other options even if it would save us money. This is how we do it period and we won't change our minds no matter what you say.

Also we need to do it right now because we don't want to bother rescheduling, we can't tell you why we need to do it right now and not wait a month and see if there are other options, but we need to do it right now (maybe because if we wait you will get more organized against it?)

But as the Fourth Doctor (Tom Baker) Said: 

"The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common - they don't change their views to fit the facts. They change the facts to fit their views, which can be uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts that needs changing."

And you can make your own conclusions which of the two above categories the upper level political figures here in Chicago fall into (or what ratio of the categories they fall into)

We are still fighting, still trying to get our voices heard but come Monday they might "pave paradise and put up a parking lot." I know politics is complicated at every level and there are lots of other things on the political table but the destruction of our trees when there are other options that could and should be explored just feels like an unnecessary way to hurt us.

So if you have any secret Chicago government powers please help and if not please send positive energy that will lead to an New Year's Carol where those in charge will have a change of heart and will save our trees.

Warming Up With Wisdom

 

Today was a chilly cold day and I was not sure what to write today and then sometimes when you do not know what to write a post pops up to inspire you. 

The above picture (which is not super clear sorry) highlights those days when everything is more steps then normal comparing "good" days when making a cup of coffee involves one step: making coffee and "bad" days when making a cup of coffee is a 14 step process: Step 1 Take pot from coffee maker, Step 2. Turn on sink, 3. Fill up coffee pot, 4. Turn off sink ....

Now sometimes I have this type of day, but more often I have the cousin to the multistep day the impossible task day where anything or everything seems impossible. Where I simply can't send one email, or make one call, or do anything beyond fussing around on social media or listening to music. 

Impossible task days are hard but as someone else wrote in a different social media post a few weeks ago sometime it is worth just doing the impossible task (in that case a broken window that stayed broken for years and years and turned out to be fixable by the owner pretty cheaply, the window did not have to open just let the light in)

My recently example is a choice to step back from a volunteer leadership role that was no longer serving me well. Rustling up the courage to send the email saying I was interested in stepping back from the leadership role but still willing to participate in activities that group had (moving from planning and participating to just participating)  was hard but once I did I felt better. 

I also got a really nice note back saying in part:

Thanks for reaching out. We're happy to have you as a member in the capacity you can sustain at this time, and we so appreciate all the support you've given us from day one. Have a wonderful day!

Which made me feel better, and less worried I was letting others down.  

In the end I think if we all were more open about multistep days as well as impossible task days we are better able to show compassion towards ourselves, towards others, and know when such days hit us for a number of reasons we are not alone in our struggle. 

Happy 2022: Change is Challenging

In is officially 2022. 

My theme this year is "it does not have to be prefect" which is part of a long quote from the 100th ep of Legends of Tomorrow. In past years I have had themes such as "Drink the tea, Burn the Candles, Use the lotion" or "Belonging, Boldness, and Joy"

My "star word" is "Look". A pastor friend had drawn "star words" for people for several years now. In the past I have gotten Clarity and Prepare. Since this years DePaul Pop Culture conference is on Sherlock I am taking "look" to mean I really have to observe my inner and outer world.

My focus is being more present. And this is where the idea that change is challenging is highlighted for me. I found especially towards the end of 2021 I was in the habit of "procrastination productivity" (Thank you "Make Your Dame Bed" podcast for this term)

I was doing things just to tick off to-dos from my list, or so I could say I did x number of y thing this year. Or again in the words of legends of tomorrow I realized I need to focus on the "And having a hell of a good time doing it." part of the equation.

As I have been processing how I can be more present (trying not to do a million things at one time, for example enjoying breakfast not eating while checking emails and listening to a podcast all at the same time) I have come to realize just how much I was using "busyness" to fill my days, and busyness that was just busyness not busyness that was really meaningful or purposeful.

But moving from busyness to meaningfulness is hard!!! This also ties into the book I have read as my last book every year for the past 5-6 years. The book is "Hell Yes" and reminds us that if activities are not "Hell Yes" activities they are "Hell No" activities which gets rid of a lot of the gray messy hard to choose stuff.

So one way to see the challenges I am experiencing right now is I know when tasks are not "Hell Yes" activities in a particular moment (for example if I am reading or listening to something and realize I have zoned out and don't know what I was reading or what was said it is a good sign it is not a "Hell Yes" right now) but in those moments I am not sure what a "Hell Yes" activity would be.

So as I sit with "it does not have to be perfect" I find I am often sitting in uncomfortableness because I am so used to staying busy. My challenge is finding meaningful and purpose filled activities to fill my days that I can be proud of in say a years time 

For example I know deleting x email is sometimes important but never will be meaningful and even doing things I enjoy like reading is not meaningful if I am reading just to say I read x books and not because I really want to read the books. I am also seeing how this "procrastination productivity" was hurting my mental health.

The New Year brought up some emotions and feelings for me because I was working so hard to accomplish things before the end of the year that when it was a new year I felt a bit lost or unmoored. It was a new year but I did not have any major new plans. It was a new year but I felt a little like I was just starting a time loop once again.

I am trying to process and really think about what I want from 2022. How not to get stuck in busyness for the sake of busyness, as well as what I can do in those moments to feel good about myself. I am finding it is much more challenging than simply picking my theme and going full speed ahead with in. But then we all know all change is hard and we need to be gentle on ourselves as we determine what we want tomorrow to look like.

And this post does not have any magic this is how to solve all your problems magic formula but I hope it is a reminder that all change is challenging, so if you find you are struggling with resolutions or themes or "star words" or goals or wishes or hopes for the new year you are not alone. You are never alone. Together we will figure this all out. I will leave you with my my 2022 New Years message. Have a wonderful 2022.

Another new year is before us

And we don’t know what it will look like

What challenges we will face, What amazingness we will achieve

What timelines or multiverses will go wibbly wobbly

So we should focus on what matters

Moments where (we are) doing what (we) need to do

to make sure that (we) vibrate at the right frequency …

things that are small, doable, affordable, and that nourish (us). (1)

You won’t be doing it alone.

We are all just trying to figure out this being human thing together.

It’s not always going to be easy.

And you know sometimes you’ll feel like you’re out of your mind

Or that the darkness is too much to bear.

But it’s worth fighting the darkness to discover who you really are.

And not just for yourself.

So you can create a better world for everyone.

Now, you’re gonna make some mistakes.

There’s no formula to guide the way.

No destiny to surrender to.

It’s not about being perfect.

It’s about doing what you know is right.

And having a hell of a good time doing it.

That’s what it means to be alive.

And to be a Legend.

Welcome to the team. (2)

Make the plan, Execute the plan,

Expect the plan to go off the rails,

Throw away the plan. (3)

*quietly confident in the manifold gifts you possess,

both known and unknown to you*

Right behind you.

You got this. (4)

Happy New Year

1.Wentworth Miller | Full Q&A | Oxford Union Society

2.DC's Legends of Tomorrow - WVRDR_ERROR_100

3.Leonard Snart from The Flash - Infantino Street

4.Lin- Manuel Miranda Tweets