Processing Challenging Info About Others

 

This post is about me processing some surprising and challenging news about the leadership of a student group I was a member of and getting some of the emotions, feelings and thoughts I am having about the news out of my head.

This weekend I heard that someone who was an adult in a leadership position* for one of the clubs/organizations I was part of in undergrad (so we are talking 15 years ago) is being sued for sexual assault. I do not have any details of the case other than it involved a situation that occurred before my time and we are talking close to 20 years ago. 

My first response was surprise because this individual did not make me personally feel uncomfortable when I was in school, but I also know that my experience could be very different from someone else's experience. I also learned that this individual left their role at my undergrad institution under somewhat mysterious circumstances, where as I though they just had moved on to their next adventure.

My second response was seeing a wider context where things could have logically gotten murky and messy. I remember a conversation about a time where the individual had driven one of the students (who lived off campus) home and had them wait in the car for a few mins while the individual grabbed something from the individual's apartment and the student was saying that the individual needed to be careful because giving rides home to students and making a stop by the individuals apartment could be seen in a bad light. 

I did experience a few of these nothing wrong was done but still could be interpreted oddly situations. At the time these situations did not even ping my radar but now I am recontextualizing the larger picture that they might have fallen into or how they might have been experienced differently by others who were also there. This wider situation is also reminding me of a handful of unrelated sketchy situations with other people in the years since undergrad which did ping my radar but which I dismissed at the time for a number of reasons. 

My third response was one of a triple level of grief or mourning:

Mourning for the person who brought up the charges and others who have spoken up with similar stories who feel like they were sexually assaulted and that their concerns have not been listen to by the university etc. over the past 20 years (and anyone else who felt the same thing but have not come forward) 

Mourning for my past relationship with the individual, because it is personally challenging when someone you were friendly with, who you have good memories of, and whose wisdom you still remember is accused of sexual assault. 

Mourning for the individual accused or at least mourning for the version of the individual who I knew in undergrad. 

On one hand from what I have heard it feels like an issue with boundaries, very poor decision making, and clearly not understanding the expectations of someone in a leadership position.  

On the other hand having any sexual/romantic relationship with someone under your leadership (especially a student) is always a bad idea no matter the context. 

It does not matter if you are both adults and both close in age such relationships are just asking to get blurry and messy and potentially lead to confusion about if all parties were able to fully and freely give consent.

Hearing about the lawsuit has led me to process this particular situation, my own experience of undergrad, and my own radar for iffy situations. I am looking at the behavior of those I have known in a different light as well as my own gut reactions to hearing challenging information about those I know.

It also hits doubly hard because the individual and the group they were an adult leader of changed the trajectory of my life in some overall very positive directions. But that does not mean that the leader was not creepy towards others even if I did not see such behavior or did not notice/identify such behavior at the time. 

While I don't have any conclusions about the case or know what will happen to it as it is progressing through the courts I do feel it was important to take some time to work through my own response to the case. Sometimes when we are presented with challenging information about people we know/knew all we can do is wrestle with that information and consider how that information might impact us.

*Because I do not have the details I am keeping which individual really vague because this post is about me processing the news not taking a side in the case.