Reaching Out ...

"If you are in pain, or know someone who is; if you feel there is no one who can relate to what you're going through; if you have been frightened into immobility by secrets you believe you have to maintain to protect yourself, your family, or your career, understand that you are only as alone as you choose to be. One phone call, one email, one text to the right person or agency can make the very literal difference between life and death. You just have to decide to do it" 

Becoming Superman by J.Michael Straczynski p439-440 

This is from a powerful autobiography which I don't know how to easily summarize other to say when the cover says "My Journey From Poverty to Hollywood With stops along the way at Murder, Madness, Mayhem, Movie Stars, Cults, Slums, Sociopaths, and War Crimes" it is not exaggerating and is not talking about say what he wrote about but what actually occurred to him and around him.

The quote is at the end of a chapter looking at the challenges that some former cast members of one of his shows had with Drugs, Alcoholism, and Mental Health and connecting it to the physical and emotional abuse he and his mother and sister faced and speaking to the importance of Reaching out in all these cases.

This seems especially timely as this is a season many of my friends are struggling with mental health and actors in shows I am currently watching are publically struggling too. This is a season within a larger time period which has been hard for so many of us.

Also, I know that reaching out sounds great on paper but it can be extremely hard to do when it is needed. So I am not going to end this post simply telling others to reach out but meeting you all halfway.

One of the greatest challenges in my life at this moment is I have lost my purpose, my compass. Busyness has overtaken meaningfulness and I am currently a bit lost. A number of factors play a role (Mental Health, being in-between Jobs, former Jobs that drained my soul ....) but in the end, I have somewhat forgotten how to dream big, bold, impossible things vocationally.

So my Reach Out:

I am soliciting vocational dreamers:

What impossible/improbable things do you see me setting my eye on? What wild things do you think I should reach for? Really anything to shock me out of my blahs, because right now all vocational goals seem blah. I think I need a "send a person to the moon" type of challenge. 

*** You can't go too big or wild assuming your suggestion is actually physically possible (yea time travel is out) and something I might actually enjoy (I have zero interest in say climbing Mount Everest, or being a playboy bunny or a supermodel etc  use your judgment :) :) :))

I need help breaking out of my vocational immobility (I think some of my struggle to actually work on Job searching is because it is a lot of effort for something I feel Blah about, If I have an exciting "send a person to the moon" to aim for the searching will feel less like pointless effort, because it will have a purpose)

***Note: I am seeking vocational dreamers not resume/interview/networking/ to-do lists/should-do lists.

This is NOT life or death at all but I recognize I am stuck so I am reaching out. I hope this also helps others reach out with their own challenges small or great. If we all get in the habit of reaching out we will be more able to when it is life or death. Thanks for your help in keeping me from "Going Through The Motions".    

Moments and Memories of Coming Out

Happy National Coming Out Day

It does not matter if you shout from the rooftops

It does not matter if you whisper it to a close friend

It does not matter if you cry it out in your inner heart

(Because if the words are said out loud where you reside

It means physical or mental trauma or harm or hurt)

You are absolutely, supercalifragilisticly amazing

No matter Who you Love or How you love

No matter how you express your identities

No matter if gender and sexuality are not your cup of tea

No matter if others understand or refuse to understand

Know this day, no matter when or if you come out,

You are beloved, You are worthy, You are beloved

First, I am aware of my own privilege I have had in my various coming out moments. I am aware that many others have had much harder and more traumatic experiences around who they are and who they love. I am also aware that coming out is a life long process, something which needs to be repeated over and over again.

Second, these are just brief moments/thoughts of the process I have gone through and are still going through. I am already out so this is not some big gesture just a "let's remember" for me, which seems fitting on this day. Also, it should go without saying this is not a list of every moment just a few which jump out to me.

Before I figured it out:

• Growing up and wanting to be some nice couples "beard". Watching the movie De-Lovely and thinking that was perfect. Someone to sing to me and take me out to a play or concert once in a while but who had someone else for the whole sex thing.

• Marrying my stuffed brown bear during a marriage equality event at college. Others brought friends or roommates or classmates but it made more sense to me to bring my stuffed bear. (The "marriage" was temporary and just a moment of activism but I think I still have the rings somewhere and still like the idea I am married to my bear.) 

• Having the doctor, I spoke to during training for the Peace Corps, believe me when we got to the sexual activity/birth control question and I said I have never had sex and didn't plan to. He did not give me a hard time or doubt me. (Peace Corps, in general, found that many young adults far away from home, tended to engage in potentially risky behaviors so Peace Corps tended to not believe individuals who said they would just not have sex for two years) This random doctor in many ways was the first to accept I was Ace even before I had the language to define myself. 

Coming Out:

• June 2013 figuring out I was Asexual (Ace). Some joy because it meant I was somehow apart of the LGBTQ+ umbrella. Some reasonable anxiety less around my identity or coming out and more getting lost in the comment section. Here is part of my first email on the subject. (Note there are millions of typos it was 1:30am and I had other things on my mind than spelling or grammar or even sentence structure.)

• "After reading some articles on huffingtonpost and follow up research )http://www.asexuality.org) etc the last few days I think I determined I am probably asexual. It seems to make a of of sense. My 1st reaction was ok that makes sense and cool i am now one of the cool people LGBTQQIAA (I think that is the full version lol). Also I was like cool good timing since pride is next weekend. I was pretty amazed how not a big deal it was for me. Then i kept doing research and learned there are grumpy people out there who prejudiced against asexuals (which if being prejudiced against LBGT community is dumb and pointless because it does not effect the people who are all grumpy being prejudiced against asexuals is super dumb). But now I can't turn my brain off, it keeps going round and round in circles, How does claiming the asexual title change my life, it does not, but it does, but it does not. Also while I know this kind of grumpyness is felt by the LGBT community all the time honestly right at this moment 1:30 in the morning lol the suckyness of the situation is hiting home. And honestly i don't like it. And part of me wants to scream it from the rooftops and part of me don't want anyone to know because it does not change anything at this point and will probably confuse people more then clarify anything."

• I will say figuring out I was ace and claiming that identity meant it kept hitting me that others were not Ace. That people actually had sex or wanted sex and did not just talk about it like an overused trope.  

After I figured it out:

• I was privileged to be very supported by those I told. The first person I contacted, a pastor at the church I was attending, was great and their first question was about my gender identity but that was because they were more involved and knowledgeable in Trans issues. The most common response I got was: "What does that mean? But again this shows my privilege and the fact I was in a large liberal city and most of my friends etc were already involved with LGBTQ+ issues. 

• I changed my facebook image and kind of thought I now had come out to everyone so I was always surprised when people did not know. I remember emailing a different pastor about a small group where they were all surprised I was ace and the pastor saying they did not know and that they did not know what my Ace Flag colored heart meant. I remember being a bit annoyed that the grapevine had not worked to share the news lol.  


• Processing through writing poetry and story stories and even a NaNoWriMo. And redoubling my mission to make sure everyone knows they are not alone. That they are loved.

Final Thoughts:

For me, my "coming out" process was more a discovering of the language around who I was. This language was both helpful and not helpful at the same time. Even though my pen name is Dreaming Ace and this blog is called Adventures of a Dreaming Ace I still run into individuals who don't know for a variety of reasons. 

Personally, whenever I see or hear a reference to asexuality I always smile and my day is always a bit brighter. And I know asexuality is not widely known so I simply smile when at a Pride event someone asks what my flag stands for or when chatting with someone at an event, they say can I ask you about being Ace? My friends are using that term more and I don't know what it means.

I am still in the process of coming out and will probably be so for the rest of my life. And I know for too many coming out is not possible or when they do they face unspeakable violence or hate. I am not pushing anyone to come out on this day if it is not safe for you to do so or if you don't want to share that part of yourself at this moment. 

But the more of us in the LGBTQ+ community who speak up, the easier it is for everyone to know who they are, know they are not alone, know they are amazing. More likely we will see ourselves on TV and in movies and in stories. More likely we are to be able to face the major challenges within our community from issues of a lack of respectful health/mental health care to issues such as the tragic killing of Trans Women of Color.  

So much progress has been made in a short time frame for us all. Just imagine we might even have a President Pete Buttigieg and a First Gentleman Chasten in 2020 which would be simply amazing :) We will keep coming out on days like national coming out day and on random days no one celebrates. We will keep learning how to be ourselves and learning how to build welcoming and inclusive communities. 

So ending with my poem once again:

It does not matter if you shout from the rooftops

It does not matter if you whisper it to a close friend

It does not matter if you cry it out in your inner heart

(Because if the words are said out loud where you reside

It means physical or mental trauma or harm or hurt)

You are absolutely, supercalifragilisticly amazing

No matter Who you Love or How you love

No matter how you express your identities

No matter if gender and sexuality are not your cup of tea

No matter if others understand or refuse to understand

Know this day, no matter when or if you come out,

You are beloved, You are worthy, You are beloved

Adventures in Elul and High Holidays

A season of contemplation comes towards an end 

A Lent in August, The month of Elul, 10 days of High Holidays

A season of thoughtfulness, of internal exploration

It is time for me to turn a page and see what comes next

These adventures actually started back in August when I worked through a Lenten devotional. (Yep I had already done various devotionals for Lent Lent but decided to do an extra Lent season this year)

Next was Elul because I decided I might as well continue to self reflect since I had already started.

Elul was filled with emails Elul Unbound (by Judaism Unbound), Jewels of Elul (which the first day I found in my spam folder, google had gotten all confused lol), and Preparing your heart for the High Holy Days: A guided Journal.

Finally, the High Holy Days were upon us. Apples and Honey to begin. Working through the Q10 questions. And my first services in 15-20 years (1st since my cousins' bar and bat mitzvahs, which I think were my first "first" times) thanks to live-streaming and on-demand. 

You could say I jumped into the deep end and ended up streaming 11*, One for each Holy Day plus one for the new year?  Though since they were all streaming sometimes I had it on as more like background and would do small cleaning tasks at the same time. 

This year's High Holy Days played out differently than last year. 

Last year I donated 100 items, this year only 40 items. Last year I read a different High Holy Day picture book each day, this year I did two kinds of "fasts". I chose not to spend any money on food during the 10 Holy Days which meant I had to be creative with all the food I already had on hand and kept being reminded how there are so many people who actually go hungry and not buying food is a truth not a choice for them. 

Also, I fasted on Yom Kippur (Well almost after a small nose bleed which I figured was because I was dehydrated I did have 1 can of soda sipped over the 24.5 hour period but still I think I did well for my first serious attempt at a Yom Kippur fast) And I broke my fast with some of my last box of Passover matza, as well as some apple and honey.

Last year my resolution was "I will try to live lighter, less stuff, less energy drains, less resources used." and this year's resolution is "I will try to go deeper, deeper into relationships, deeper into myself, deeper in general"

Overall it has been a full season, full seasons, I wish you all a Happy New Year and may you be written into the book of life.

* The 11 Services I streamed via https://www.centralsynagogue.org in case you think I made up that number :) 

1. Erev Rosh HaShanah
2. Rosh HaShanah Morning Day 1
3. Rosh HaShanah Family Service
4. Rosh HaShanah Morning Day 2
5. Shabbat Services Friday Evening
6. Shabbat Services Saturday Morning
7. Kol Nidrei (Service 1)
8. Kol Nidrei (Service 2)
9. Yom Kippur (Morning)
10. Yom Kippur (Family Service)
11. Yom Kippur (Afternoon)

Ishida: Self-portrait of other

(On seeing Ishida Self-portrait Of Other)

There is a crisis of belonging in this world

A lost connection, A lost sense of community

We each have maps tattooed onto our skin

Which we hold close to our hearts, ever beating

Even while the rest of the world feels it is burning

Loneliness and isolation stalk this land, this time

When the tradition of a hand held has lost its way

The atmosphere can be thinner than on the moon

And yet we breath and breath and breath again

Seeking, Seeking Oxygen, Seeking Hope

What journeys of joy, journeys of sorrow, have you lived?

What maps are tattooed onto your skin this day?

Where have you stretched out your own hand for another?

What do you need on your quest for belonging?

How can we end Loneliness and Isolation for all?

Thursday I got to go to the newest exhibit at Wrightwood 659. "Ishida: Self-Portrait Of Other" pieces by Tetsuya Ishida around the subject of the "malaise and alienation wrought by a brutal economic system." 

There has been more and more conversation around the fact that there is a "crisis of belonging"*, an increase in social isolationism (individuals who do not feel they have acquaintances let alone friends or other relationships), and an increased lack of community and connection. Past social structures have changed and we have yet to find the deep and meaningful social structures of tomorrow. 

Ishida (who died in 2005 at the age 31) captures these feelings in his art. This exhibit calls on us to take a deep breath, do some deep self-reflection, and know in a world that can feel isolating we are not alone. It is up to us to creatively find ways to connect with others and build the social structures of tomorrow. This is not easy work but this is quietly rewarding work which we all much undergo.

* "Crisis of belonging": A term which Mayor Pete (Mr Pete Buttigieg) has used over and over again on the campaign trail

Finishing One Reading List On Racism

This spring I found a book list on Sojo.net which was focused on racism through the lens of classic novels by African-American Authors. At this point, you have to be a subscriber to read the article but I have slowly worked through the list. It has been both interesting and challenging to complete this list* but it did force me to read a wide selection of books many written by authors I had not gotten to experience before.

*Well I got to 8 out of 9 on the list. I could not finish the last one.

Here is the list, with a short summary

The Color Purple by Alice Walker

The Color Purple is the story of two sisters--one a missionary to Africa and the other a child wife living in the South--who remain loyal to one another across time, distance, and silence.

I know I read this once before in high school but I did not remember much of it and found a lot of depth of meaning I am sure I missed when I was younger.

The Wedding by Dorothy West

Set on bucolic Martha's Vineyard in the 1950s, The Wedding tells the story of life in the Oval, a proud, insular community made up of the best and brightest of the East Coast's black bourgeoisie.

An interesting tale exploring issues of class and race and gender the complexities of the intersections of all of those things.

Kindred by Octavia E. Butler

The first science fiction written by a black woman, Kindred has become a cornerstone of black American literature. This combination of slave memoir, fantasy, and historical fiction is a novel of rich literary complexity.

Beloved by Toni Morrison

Sethe was born a slave and escaped to Ohio, but eighteen years later she is still not free. She has too many memories of Sweet Home, the beautiful farm where so many hideous things happened. Her new home is haunted by the ghost of her baby, who died nameless and whose tombstone is engraved with a single word: Beloved.

This is a hard story which while powerful is still emotionally challenging to read.

Their Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neale Hurston

Told in the captivating voice of a woman who refuses to live in sorrow, bitterness, fear, or foolish romantic dreams, it is the story of fair-skinned, fiercely independent Janie Crawford, and her evolving selfhood through three marriages and a life marked by poverty, trials, and purpose.

Overall I enjoyed this story of a woman learning about herself and love. One personal challenge was reading the large parts of the story which were written in dialect. The dialect means you need to take more time to understand what you are reading.

The Ways of White Folks by Langston Hughes

Hughes wrote The Ways of White Folks while living in Carmel, California. In it, he shares acrid and poignant stories of blacks colliding--sometimes humorously, but often tragically--with whites throughout the 1920s and 1930s.

This was a collection of very timely stories. It is sad how little the situation has changed in the past almost 100 years. While the details have changed in many cases the general attitudes have not changed at all. I think this is an important collection for people to think about.

Not Without Laughter by Langston Hughes

I have been challenging myself to read more classics written by Black authors and this was the most enjoyable to read so far. While the story does deal with racism etc is does so in a gentler way. It is more a slice of life story than a story which is doing the much needed but very heavy work of processing the collective PTSD which resulted from slavery and institutional racism.

Go Tell It on the Mountain by James Baldwin

I don't know how I feel about this story. While I have some knowledge of the African American church community and currently go to a predominately African American congragation I felt I was missing something. Like I was missing the decoder ring which would turn the story from semi-trippy into something meaningful and powerful. So while I could feel why this is considered a classic I can't say I really understood it (Other than men are jerks who can't keep their pants up and some really messed up people cause a lot of trouble using the name of religion)

Native Son by Richard Wright

This is the one book on the list I could not finish. I found it too heavy and the main character struggled so much with anger and pain and hurt that it was anxiety-producing for me. I decided that it made sense for me to declare defeat. (And I understand that individuals who live with racism live in this anxiety-producing state for large parts of their lives, I know it is my privilege that allows me to go this is too intense I'm skipping it) 

I already have two more sets of books I am working through: The August Wilson Cycle of 10 plays and https://remezcla.com/lists/culture/latin-american-books-literary-canon/ 

National Suicide Prevention Week

Suicide is a tragic but important topic to have conversations around. You may have seen many articles and discussions appearing in your newsfeeds around suicide and related issues since:

• September is National Suicide Prevention Month
• September 8 -14, 2019 is National Suicide Prevention Week   
• September 10 is World Suicide Prevention Day

While these discussions often only come up when someone famous dies from suicide, in reality, it is highly likely that you, or someone in your family, or a neighbor is suffering right now. 

Consider the statistics:

Globally:

• Each year nearly 800,000 people die by suicide, which is roughly one death every 40 seconds.
• Suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death in the world for those aged 15-24 years.

In the USA (using CDC data from 2017): 

• Suicide is the 4th leading cause of death for adults ages 18-65. (CDC)
• An estimated quarter million people each year become suicide survivors.
• There were more than twice as many suicides (47,173) in the United States as there were homicides (19,510).

Let that sink in for a moment. (And the fact that while you read those statistics someone else died)

Warning Signs:

The warning signs of suicide are indicators that a person may be in acute danger and may urgently need help.

• Talking about wanting to die or to kill oneself;
• Looking for a way to kill oneself;
• Talking about feeling hopeless or having no purpose;
• Talking about feeling trapped or being in unbearable pain;
• Talking about being a burden to others;
• Increasing the use of alcohol or drugs;
• Acting anxious, agitated, or reckless;
• Sleeping too little or too much;
• Withdrawing or feeling isolated;
• Showing rage or talking about seeking revenge; and
• Displaying extreme mood swings.

Lies and Truths (via To Write Love on Her Arm):

Lie: If someone wants to die by suicide—there’s nothing you can do to stop it.
Truth: When people have reduced access to lethal means they are less likely to act on their thoughts.

Lie: How we talk about suicide doesn’t matter.
Truth: When people misuse extreme and hurtful phrases, it strengthens the stigma that surrounds a serious issue like suicide.

Lie: People who talk about suicide openly are only doing it for attention.
Truth: If a friend or family member is talking about suicide it’s important that you take it seriously.

Lie: Suicide is a purely selfish act or is the “easy way out.”
Truth: By viewing suicide as a strictly selfish response, it limits our ability to be compassionate, take action, and connect people to the help they need and deserve.

Important hotlines/organizations:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (http://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/) is a 24-hour, toll-free, confidential suicide prevention hotline available to anyone in suicidal crisis or emotional distress. 

• The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline can be reached at 1-800-273-8255.
• The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (ESP) can be reached at 1-888-628-9454
• The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (Deaf & Hard of Hearing Options) can be reached at 1-800-799-4889

Veterans Crisis Line (https://www.veteranscrisisline.net/) is a 24-hour, toll-free hotline that provides phone, webchat, and text options available to military veterans and their families. It provides options for deaf and hard of hearing individuals.

• The Veterans Crisis Line can be reached at 1-800-273-8255, Press 1.

IMAlive Crisis Chatline (www.imalive.org) is a non-profit, worldwide 24/7, anonymous chatline to help anyone in crisis via instant messaging.

The Crisis Text Line (crisistextline.org) is the only 24/7, nationwide crisis-intervention text-message hotline.

• The Crisis Text Line can be reached by texting HOME to 741-741.

Samaritans USA (http://www.samaritansusa.org/) is a registered charity aimed at providing emotional support to anyone in distress or at risk of suicide throughout the United States.

The Trevor Project (http://www.thetrevorproject.org/) is a nationwide organization that provides a 24-hour phone hotline, as well as limited-hour webchat and text options, for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning youth.

• The TrevorLifeline can be reached at 1-866-488-7386.
• TrevorChat can be found at https://www.thetrevorproject.org/get-help-now/ (available 7 days a week from 3PM to 10PM ET).
• TrevorText can be reached by texting TREVOR to 1-202-304-1200 (available M-F from 3PM to 10PM ET).

Trans Lifeline (https://www.translifeline.org/) is a nonprofit organization that is created by and for the transgender community, providing crisis intervention hotlines, staffed by transgender individuals, available in the United States and Canada.

• The Trans Lifeline can be reached at 1-877-565-8860.

And if you are not from the USA here is a list of global numbers you can contact for support:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines

Notes from Gun Violence Teach-Out

The University of Michigan is hosting a free "Preventing Gun Violence in America Teach-Out" through coursera. The Teach-Out has multiple expects who discuss the complexities of this issue from different angles. I would recommend this Teach-Out. (It is pretty quick and can be covered in an hour or two) 

My personal responses to some of the discussion questions raised are posted below. Consider what your own responses might be.

At the end, we were asked if we had any questions. I am putting my answer to this first because I think it helps provide context to my answers overall.

How do we increase funding for this research? How can we make this type of research more "sellable" ie newsworthy? How can we change the conversations around topics such as gun violence and suicide when there is deeply ingrained pushback to the discussion in society?

Do guns play a role in your life? Is there anything you wish people with different perspectives than you understood relating to guns? What changes do you want to see in your community related to gun violence? Are you hopeful or concerned about how these changes will come about?

I live in Chicago so my relationship with Guns is that they are harmful. No one I know uses Guns for hunting etc and I struggle to balance the idea that people feel they need guns when guns appear to me to be equal to death and pain and sorrow. In my experience guns are only used in mass shootings, in the military, by cops killing unarmed individuals (typically unarmed people of color) or in other violence. As items which kill I struggle with the pushback, many have to what feels like to me sensible gun laws.

Though media and a lot of our conversations center on mass shootings or assumptions about mental health, this Teach-Out highlighted how gun violence plays out interpersonally or through self-harm and that very, very few incidents of gun violence come from a person with mental health diagnoses. If this is a new understanding for you, how does it impact your thoughts on gun violence? If you were already aware, how can we start shifting our conversations?

I was already aware that gun violence was rarely instigated by a person with a mental health challenge. But it was not until recently that I started to think about the role that guns play in suicide (oddly I learned this from a candidate who released an envolved platform around mental health and suicide because they are part of populations which have had a higher tendency towards death by suicide).

I wonder if we frame our discussions about guns more around suicide prevention if certain suggestions could be seen as protecting gun owners and gun owner families themselves which I would imagine would feel less "threating" towards peoples way of life.

Like childproof caps on medicine, people complain, and for some populations like the elderly it can be a real pain but most people understand why we have childproof caps and don't see it as someone keeping medicine away from them. Or using a gun example seeing a waiting period as a way to check if you are in an acute mental health crisis not keeping you from guns.

You’ve heard experts compare gun violence and other public health issues that should be studied and prevented, like the introduction of seat belts or drivers’ license rules to react to car crashes. Have you thought about gun violence this way before? What kind of different feelings or thoughts come to you when you think about gun violence with this public health frame?

I think a Public Health frame is useful when looking at issues around Guns. There has been a general sense that Gun Violence is something we can't actually look at or study which means the conversations come up only during heated moments (when there is a mass shooting or a police officer shoots a civilian). These are no good moments to try to have complex conversations about complicated issues. We need to do more research on Guns and Gun usage.

Gun-Violence is a complex issue which is often only spoken about during heated moments of crisis. We have to be willing to have these conversations at other times. We also need to fund the research which could help us deal with this issue. Not funding this research is not making anyone safer.