Adventures Of A Dreaming Ace: Moments and Memories of Coming Out

Happy National Coming Out Day

It does not matter if you shout from the rooftops

It does not matter if you whisper it to a close friend

It does not matter if you cry it out in your inner heart

(Because if the words are said out loud where you reside

It means physical or mental trauma or harm or hurt)

You are absolutely, supercalifragilisticly amazing

No matter Who you Love or How you love

No matter how you express your identities

No matter if gender and sexuality are not your cup of tea

No matter if others understand or refuse to understand

Know this day, no matter when or if you come out,

You are beloved, You are worthy, You are beloved

First, I am aware of my own privilege I have had in my various coming out moments. I am aware that many others have had much harder and more traumatic experiences around who they are and who they love. I am also aware that coming out is a life long process, something which needs to be repeated over and over again.

Second, these are just brief moments/thoughts of the process I have gone through and are still going through. I am already out so this is not some big gesture just a "let's remember" for me, which seems fitting on this day. Also, it should go without saying this is not a list of every moment just a few which jump out to me.

Before I figured it out:

Growing up and wanting to be some nice couples "beard". Watching the movie De-Lovely and thinking that was perfect. Someone to sing to me and take me out to a play or concert once in a while but who had someone else for the whole sex thing.

Marrying my stuffed brown bear during a marriage equality event at college. Others brought friends or roommates or classmates but it made more sense to me to bring my stuffed bear. (The "marriage" was temporary and just a moment of activism but I think I still have the rings somewhere and still like the idea I am married to my bear.)

Having the doctor, I spoke to during training for the Peace Corps, believe me when we got to the sexual activity/birth control question and I said I have never had sex and didn't plan to. He did not give me a hard time or doubt me. (Peace Corps, in general, found that many young adults far away from home, tended to engage in potentially risky behaviors so Peace Corps tended to not believe individuals who said they would just not have sex for two years) This random doctor in many ways was the first to accept I was Ace even before I had the language to define myself.

Coming Out:

June 2013 figuring out I was Asexual (Ace). Some joy because it meant I was somehow apart of the LGBTQ+ umbrella. Some reasonable anxiety less around my identity or coming out and more getting lost in the comment section. Here is part of my first email on the subject. (Note there are millions of typos it was 1:30am and I had other things on my mind than spelling or grammar or even sentence structure.)

"After reading some articles on huffingtonpost and follow up research )http://www.asexuality.org) etc the last few days I think I determined I am probably asexual. It seems to make a of of sense. My 1st reaction was ok that makes sense and cool i am now one of the cool people LGBTQQIAA (I think that is the full version lol). Also I was like cool good timing since pride is next weekend. I was pretty amazed how not a big deal it was for me. Then i kept doing research and learned there are grumpy people out there who prejudiced against asexuals (which if being prejudiced against LBGT community is dumb and pointless because it does not effect the people who are all grumpy being prejudiced against asexuals is super dumb). But now I can't turn my brain off, it keeps going round and round in circles, How does claiming the asexual title change my life, it does not, but it does, but it does not. Also while I know this kind of grumpyness is felt by the LGBT community all the time honestly right at this moment 1:30 in the morning lol the suckyness of the situation is hiting home. And honestly i don't like it. And part of me wants to scream it from the rooftops and part of me don't want anyone to know because it does not change anything at this point and will probably confuse people more then clarify anything."

I will say figuring out I was ace and claiming that identity meant it kept hitting me that others were not Ace. That people actually had sex or wanted sex and did not just talk about it like an overused trope.

After I figured it out:

I was privileged to be very supported by those I told. The first person I contacted, a pastor at the church I was attending, was great and their first question was about my gender identity but that was because they were more involved and knowledgeable in Trans issues. The most common response I got was: "What does that mean? But again this shows my privilege and the fact I was in a large liberal city and most of my friends etc were already involved with LGBTQ+ issues.

I changed my facebook image and kind of thought I now had come out to everyone so I was always surprised when people did not know. I remember emailing a different pastor about a small group where they were all surprised I was ace and the pastor saying they did not know and that they did not know what my Ace Flag colored heart meant. I remember being a bit annoyed that the grapevine had not worked to share the news lol.

Processing through writing poetry and story stories and even a NaNoWriMo. And redoubling my mission to make sure everyone knows they are not alone. That they are loved.

Final Thoughts:

For me, my "coming out" process was more a discovering of the language around who I was. This language was both helpful and not helpful at the same time. Even though my pen name is Dreaming Ace and this blog is called Adventures of a Dreaming Ace I still run into individuals who don't know for a variety of reasons.

Personally, whenever I see or hear a reference to asexuality I always smile and my day is always a bit brighter. And I know asexuality is not widely known so I simply smile when at a Pride event someone asks what my flag stands for or when chatting with someone at an event, they say can I ask you about being Ace? My friends are using that term more and I don't know what it means.

I am still in the process of coming out and will probably be so for the rest of my life. And I know for too many coming out is not possible or when they do they face unspeakable violence or hate. I am not pushing anyone to come out on this day if it is not safe for you to do so or if you don't want to share that part of yourself at this moment.

But the more of us in the LGBTQ+ community who speak up, the easier it is for everyone to know who they are, know they are not alone, know they are amazing. More likely we will see ourselves on TV and in movies and in stories. More likely we are to be able to face the major challenges within our community from issues of a lack of respectful health/mental health care to issues such as the tragic killing of Trans Women of Color.

So much progress has been made in a short time frame for us all. Just imagine we might even have a President Pete Buttigieg and a First Gentleman Chasten in 2020 which would be simply amazing :) We will keep coming out on days like national coming out day and on random days no one celebrates. We will keep learning how to be ourselves and learning how to build welcoming and inclusive communities.

So ending with my poem once again: