What My Dreams Teach About Self Doubt

 

The night before last I had a dream that gave me a lot of food for thought including wisdom that I recorded as soon as I woke up because I knew it was important:

In my dream I am watching a supernatural version* of the Lincoln Lawyer**, who does not trust himself, and there is a male boss*** who does trust him and either I or someone else watching says "The boss trusts him because they remember before, so any issues were caused by the drugs, whereas the Lincoln Lawyer does not trust himself because he got hooked on drugs so what will keep him from making another bad choice moving forward"

Which I think is clearly my brain processing some of my experiences with burn out and self doubt. I was in a retail/food service job for 4 years and then could not take it anymore for a number of reasons (staffing issues, organizational issues, …) so I choose to leave. 

I find myself falling into my dream Lincoln Lawyer's patterns and feeling like since that role strongly and negatively impacted my mental health that means I failed and could not and would not be able to do a similar role anytime in the future.  

I know it would be healthier for me to have the outlook of the Dream Boss. Viewing the fact I had to leave in light of the environment becoming toxic not because I could not do the job back then or would not be able to do the job in the future. 

I was reminded of how much self doubt, imposter syndrome I have collected over the years from a wide range of jobs and am slowly realizing how this accumulated self doubt and imposter syndrome has been and will continue to be holding me back vocationally unless I choose to make a change in my thinking.

So I have some idea why Dream of The Endless created the dream for me, even if I don't have any magic way to change my thinking and decrease my career related self-doubt. Hopefully processing  such as by writing this blog will help me honor my own career strengths.  

   

* The Lincoln Lawyer was some kind of wizard or demon hunter
**I have seen a sum total of one episode of the Lincoln Lawyer
I guess Dream of the Endless just borrowed the character to teach me what I needed to know in my dream LOL
*** Yes I know in the show it is a female boss/co-lawyer

Happy Disability Pride Month

 

July is Disability Pride Month. If you are confused March was Disability Awareness Month. So one way of looking at it is March is when we realize all the ways that society disables so many of us and in July we celebrate the joy of being part of the disability community. 

Disability Pride Month is celebrated every July and is an opportunity to honor the history, achievements, experiences, and struggles of the disability community. Why July? It marks the anniversary of the Americans with Disabilities Act, landmark legislation that broke down barriers to inclusion in society.

 

According to the CDC:

A disability is any condition of the body or mind (impairment) that makes it more difficult for the person with the condition to do certain activities. 

 

As the World Health Organization puts it most everyone will experience disability but the struggle comes when society is unwilling to accommodate those disabilities:

Disability is part of being human. Almost everyone will temporarily or permanently experience disability at some point in their life. An estimated 1.3 billion people – about 16% of the global population – currently experience significant disability. This number is increasing due in part to population ageing and an increase in the prevalence of noncommunicable diseases.

Disability results from the interaction between individuals with a health condition, such as cerebral palsy, Down syndrome and depression, with personal and environmental factors including negative attitudes, inaccessible transportation and public buildings, and limited social support.

A person’s environment has a huge effect on the experience and extent of disability. Inaccessible environments create barriers that often hinder the full and effective participation of persons with disabilities in society on an equal basis with others. Progress on improving social participation can be made by addressing these barriers and facilitating persons with disabilities in their day to day lives.

After a quick google search I found there is a disability pride flag. I will admit I did not realize we had our own flag, though I am not surprised LOL. It has a black background and diagonally across the flag are five zigzag lines colored blue, yellow, white, red, and green. The diagonal lines are to represent lightning bolts and each color represents something unique about the disability community.

The Black Field: this field is to represent the disabled people who have lost their lives due to not only their illness, but also negligence, suicide, and eugenics.

The Lightning Bolt: the shape of the lightning bolt represents the non-lateral lives that many disabled people live, often having to adapt themselves or their physical routes to get around an inaccessible society.

The Colors: each color on this flag represents a different aspect of disability or impairment,

Blue: Mental Illness.

Yellow: Cognitive and Intellectual Disabilities.

Green: Sensory Perception Disabilities.

Red: Physical Disabilities.

We Will Continue Marching For Justice ...

 

This has been a rough start to summer for so many of us, a rough June for so many of us, three bad rulings by the "supreme" court, smoke filled skies, medical issues, mental health issues, soul weary issues.

Days where saying such as “If you can't fly then run, if you can't run then walk, if you can't walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.” by Martin Luther King Jr seems impossible, seems hopeless, seems never ending.

This has been a tough month, and the last few days have been even harder for so many, for so many of us. I do not have any platitudes about the future, any platitudes about whether it is worth it, fighting on and on in a country that keeps legalizing harm, legalizing racism, legalizing sexism, legalizing homophobia, legalizing transphobia, legalizing ablism.

But this month was Pride which started with a riot when hate and pain and discrimination were forged into a movement, a movement for justice, a movement for love, a movement for the freedom to live a full and fantastic life.

But that does not mean it is not hard, that does not mean we are bone tried, that does not mean we can see the light or the justice at the end of the tunnel. If w need to rest, if we need to refuel, if we need to pause that is ok too.

But pausing is not the end and once we have met our physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual needs we will continue marching forward for justice. 

When The Supreme Court Harms Us All

 

Once again the supreme court has decided that harming others is the best policy. They harmed us all by overturning Roe v Wade last summer. They harm us all with today's anti-affirmative action judgment. I am tried, tired of having my found siblings, my found friends, my found family harmed again and again and again. 

As Michelle Obama put it:

I do not know what to do with a supreme court that enjoys causing harm. I don't know how to make them take an Hippocratic Oath. I don't know how to make them understand the impact of racism and sexism and homophobia and transphobia and ableism and all the other phobias and isms. I don't know what to do, so I wrote a poem to get some of what I am feeling out.

Today’s Supreme Court Ruling

Does harm to every single person

College should be filled with

Learning wisdom from those who’s

Life experience is wonderfully different

College should not be limited to

Those who are white and rich enough

College should be an opportunity

To think new thoughts and debate

Those thoughts. What makes a 

Meaningful life? What is the purpose

Of work? How can we together 

Build a Better Community? Better Nation?

Better World? Everyone should be

Able to choose whether college makes

Sense for them or if a different path

Is the adventure that they choose,

People should not be punished for

Attending a high school with fewer 

Extracurriculars. People should not be

Punished for lower grades because

They had to care for family members

Or work in order to make sure they

Had food to eat each morning, night.

Punished for multigenerational

Disinvestment. Punished for struggling.

Punished because their ancestors were

Ripped from their homeland, or stolen

Punished because they face the fear 

That a cop might shoot them at any time

Education should be the great equalizer

Education should be the great equalizer

Education should be the great equalizer

Today’s Supreme Court Ruling

Does harm to every single person

I am so so so very tired of the courts

Efforts to harm every single person  

Intersections Of Identity aka Oh That Is Why People Are So Confusing

 

This evening I watched the live stream of Queering Culture featuring Matt Baume via the Chicago Public Library. It was a discussion of queer representation and queer coding within the history of sitcoms. When discussing the conversation with a friend (and them asking what queer coding was) I mentioned how I am not someone who picks up on queer representation or queer coding unless it is spelled out for me. 

And it is very much an issue of not picking up on it, the same way I don't pick up on most things when it comes to people being people. Honestly I often lean on fanfiction or commentaries to provide the context of what characters are experiencing or why they are behaving the way they are:

• "Oh fanfiction says that character is considered "sexy" interesting"
• "Oh fanfiction says that shirt/sweater/fill in the blank looks really good on them"
• "Oh fanfiction says that bit where they were acting really oddly they were actually flirting"
• "Oh fanfiction says those characters are meant to be in a romantic relationship not just friends"
• "Oh that academic paper says that character is coded as queer"

I will say that in the past I was confused why I never picked up on LGBTQ+ themes unless they were explicitly mentioned. Which was odd considering how highly I value LGBTQ+ representation. I think I thought it was just because I am Ace and that is why I did not pick up on things. However, now I have the fact I'm autistic as an additional explanation. 

In some ways this makes me feel better knowing that my inability to pick up on coded queerness is not some sign that I somehow really don't belong in queer spaces. Nor that I am simply "naïve" considering via fan fiction I feel like I could pass a basic quiz on kinks, safe BSMD procedures, etc LOL. In reality it is more likely just an offshoot of my deeper not understanding what makes most people act the way they do. 

The better I understand the intersections of my identities the more I understand why people are so confusing so much of the time. So writers, commentators, academics, etc. keep pointing out all the queer representation especially that representation which is coded representation so that I can see and celebrate it. 

Showing Myself Kindness This Summer

 

Right now I am focused on being gentle with myself. This includes having a gentle summer. For the past several years I have compiled a list of summer activities I have done around Chicago. I do this so that when the summer is over I can look back and see that no matter what it might feel like I have enjoyed lots of activities.

The last several years I have done over 100 activities over the course of summer. That is where showing myself kindness/being gentle with myself comes in this year. While I will still track what I do, I will be "throwing away the plan" that I have to do 100 activities to say I took advantage of summer in Chicago. I am sure I will get to lots of activities but I am not planning on stressing about it.

I am going to get to stuff that looks interesting or activities that are close to my apartment. However, I am not going to hyperfocus on doing stuff just to add to my summer activity list. Am I going to get to everything happening in Chicago this summer? Nope. Did I get to everything when I was hyperfocused on doing 100 activities? Nope. 

I hope we all can have a gentle summer where we are able to refuel ourselves, our minds, our bodies, our sprits. Yes summer can be a very busy time filled with fun and adventure but remember you don't have to do it all. So get outside when you can, go for a walk when you can, and create a summer of growth and healing. 

Hello June, Hello Pride

 

Pride Poem

By Dreaming Ace

Honor Pride, Celebrate Pride

Pride found at the multifaceted

Intersection of gender + sexuality

Pride that survives even as this

Country seems to seek to destroy

All those who are big and bold

Pride that survives even as this

Country seems to seek to destroy

All those who know who they are

Pride that survives even as this

Country seems to seek to destroy

All those who march to their own beat

Honor Pride, Celebrate Pride

Remember the riot, the riot of justice

Led by our Trans Women of Color

The riot that must continue today

The riot that must be remembered today

The fight continues for Life

The riot that must continue today

The riot that must be remembered today

The fight continues for Liberty

The riot that must continue today

The riot that must be remembered today

The fight continues for Love

Honor Pride, Celebrate Pride

Know that you are loved, are beloved

Honor Pride, Celebrate Pride

 

Know that you are loved, are beloved

Ace and Aro, Bi and Pan, Single and Polyamory

Know that you are loved, are beloved

Know that you are loved, are beloved

Trans and Intersex, Nonbinary and Nonconforming

Know that you are loved, are beloved

Know that you are loved, are beloved

Open and out, Closteted and Afraid

Know that you are loved, are beloved

Honor Pride, Celebrate Pride

The riot that must continue today

Know that you are loved, are beloved