Learning Your Own LGBTQ+ Context

 

Pride month is when we share our stories of being part of the LGBTQ+ community. On a recent trip home I was given new context for one of my own experiences. In middle school I expressed the fact that I had no interest in sex. I remember my parents later telling one of my doctors it was simply because I had recently learned about AIDS in school. 

Turns out when I said I had no interest in sex my school and doctors were worried and thought I was repressing my sexually (don't ask me why being sexually repressed in middle school would have been an issue even if it was true, I have no idea, since it was clearly not causing any problems in my daily life) and my parents basically said what they did to keep everyone off my back and so the school/my doctor would not send me to a therapist because I had no interest in sex.

This interesting because many Aces express growing up feeling like they were broken, for me I never felt that way about myself but clearly my school and doctors thought that on my behalf and that kind of nonsense can turn into issues with self hatred and feelings of brokenness. 

(At the time I rolled with saying I did not want to have sex because of worries about AIDS because other people seemed to understand that even if I though I did not want to have sex because I never never never wanted to have offspring/spawn, and sex could lead to offspring/spawn which was true but in the end it was simply because I am Ace but again this was before such terms even existed)

I was always a bit odd, instead of internalizing thoughts that I was broken etc. I internalized thoughts that it was simply a case of everyone else in the world was broken instead. Others were odd because they were interested in sex, instead of me being odd because I had no interest. And yes I know thinking being the only one meaning I was the only normal one is the opposite of the meaning of normal :)

But back to the story it boggles my mind that the school and my doctors were so worried I was not interested in sex in middle school and high school. Why was this a thing they worried about? Why did the assume something was wrong with me? Why was effectively the burden of proof placed on me (which my parents helped shifted away, thank you mom and dad) to explain my own sexuality? 

My story took place before the term Ace was developed so I understand why the school and my doctor did not know it but I just imagine how much a difference it would make (especially for others who payed more attention to what others thought) if instead of worrying that a middle schooler or high schooler was sexual repressed they were told something along the lines of "gender and sexuality are complex and no matter your relationships to these concepts the key is communication and consent"

At the time I simply chalked up people being strange because all people were strange more or less and it did not bother me all that much but learning the context means I am experiencing anger at the fact that my school/doctor handled it so poorly and how if I was someone else their actions could have caused serious issues with shame or internalized junk. 

While we have always been there (for example on the Kinsey scale we Aces were basically what he labeled x on his scale), unlike other orientations or identities it took us a lot longer to have language around it. We did not form communities and social markings to self-identify ourselves (Until the 2000's) and I think that means we have a different relationship to ourselves and to the wider LGBTQ+ community. It can feel like we do not have as deep roots simply because we left very little evidence throughout time.

I will also say I was lucky when it came to the point that I realized that Ace was what I identified as because all the circles I was running in were very LGBTQ+ inclusive so it was more simply going instead of just being an ally and having to look longingly in to the community like through a shop window, I am part of the LGBTQ+ community proper. If anything most people I told were like that's nice dear and left it at that. I already had some awareness of the diversity of the LGBTQ+ community so I was able to slot myself in with out feelings of brokenness.

As a form of postscript to my earlier story it happened that the first person who seemed to understand me was a doctor in Africa, again this was before I even had language to describe myself such as being Ace. The doctor was talking to everyone about what they were doing in terms of safe sex while in the Peace Corps and I basically said I had never had sex and I was not going to have sex. And the African doctor believed me and did not give me a hard time.

I know other volunteers who said similar things and were grilled a bit more, which confused me, because I figured even if people had sex, not having it for two years would be no big deal, which I have come to learn is not always true. LOL. But this doctor seemed to know I knew myself well enough to be telling the truth. 

I know that my experience was really smooth when compared to many other peoples experiences in the LGBTQ+ community but it reminds me how important it is to fight for laws etc. so that everyone can be who they are and not have to deal with others deciding something is wrong with them based on their gender or sexuality orientation. processing our experiences and sharing our stories is important work that can make it just a little bit easier for someone else, somewhere down the line.

As I said have been saying all month this pride I am focusing on LGBTQ+ films/documentaries/specials. This is what I have seen in the second half of this Pride month. In total I saw 30 which is not bad or roughly 1 per day. I watched a wide range of films, concerts, comedy specials, and documentaries. I think this is a successful end to this years Pride Month. 

• Looking: The Movie (2016), film which was a continuation of a TV show called Looking which I have never seen which explored a community of gay friends in San Francisco, LGBTQ+ focused, one sex scene the rest was just kissing.
• After the Rain: A Virtual Pride Concert (June 2021), WindyCitySings concert
• The Stonewall Inn Safe Spaces Concert (June 2021), for #StonewallGivesBack
• Stonewall Forever - A Documentary about the Past, Present and Future of Pride (2019)
• The Perfume of Memory - A Film by Oswaldo Montenegro (2016)
• almost love (2020) Film
• Breaking Fast (2020) Film
• Disney+ 'This Is Me' Pride Celebration Spectacular (2021)
• All in my Family (2019) Documentary
• Hannah Gadsby Nanette (2018) Comedy Special
• Rhys Nicholson Live at the Athenaeum Comedy Special (2020)
• Hannah Gadsby: Douglas (2020) Comedy Special
• MIKA x Indeed x Pride: #SoundtrackOfEmpathy Virtual Concert (2021)
• The Danish Girl (2015)