Feeling Numb ...

 

This has been a wild week, a wild year, a wild 4 years, .... and I have found I have been facing the most recent moment under a haze of numbness. As I wrote somewhere else like I am reading or watching history not that I am living history. I also know I am not the only one struggling right now so I figure a reminder that we are not alone is always useful.

It is hard to put feelings into words but here are two tries:

I am a cup and the current news fills me up until I overflow and then I feel nothing, until my cup is filled again and overflows, and I feel nothing (though the cup is always changing its size so I never know when it will overflow)

I am going about my life and at random times I end up with a "Vulcan nerve pinch" and I forget who I am, when I am, what I am. (Ok that sounds more dramatic than I mean, I don't actually dissociate but I will say I have no idea how we have already gotten to Jan 11th for example, Where has over a third of of January gone?)

Now I have several healthy coping mechanisms including daily fitness (Yoga and Dance Fitness), daily health (Including a multivitamin, water, and brushing my teeth) and daily self care tasks. And I am processing through reading a lot of fanfiction including recently a whole bunch where Captain America is struggling with various mental health issues such as dealing with a world that is not familiar right after being defrosted (I mean an America which is not familiar does not sound like today at all right? LOL) but I also can recognize that like so many people I am struggling in processing everything happening and that has happened. 

I know that the storming of the Capital by an Armed Mob is BIG, but I am finding I do not have the bandwidth to deal with it all. To deal with how deeply White Supremacism is rooted in this country, to deal with how many elected leaders are refusing to accept the results of the election this fall and are encouraging others not to accept the results either, to deal with the fact that there is "debate" over if those who supported the mob and the attack on the Capital should get punished for what they have done. I simply do not have the bandwidth to deal.

So I am able to recognize that personally I have ended up feeling pretty numb. I am guessing you are feeling something too ... if not numbness then anger, if not anger than fear, if not fear some other emotion you may or may not be able to express. I want to remind us all (including myself) we are all feeling feelings right now and no feeling is right or wrong. So if getting out of bed is an bit harder it is ok. If focusing on tasks and to-do lists is an bit harder it is ok. If you are filled with nervous energy and need to go for a long walk or run (with a mask of course) it is ok.

I have found re-watching Wentworth Millers Active Minds Speech* from 2016 has personally been helpful to remind myself, others have felt overwhelmed and numb too, and in reminding me how important it is to share our personal struggles so others know that they are not alone. For me right now it is struggles with numbness which I feel I have to give voice to.

As Leo said in the West Wing:

Leo McGarry : This guy's walking down a street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep, he can't get out. ... Then a friend walks by. "Hey Joe, it's me, can you help me out?" And the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says, "Are you stupid? Now we're both down here." The friend says, "Yeah, but I've been down here before, and I know the way out."

No matter what you are feeling right now there are many many friends who know what you are going through and know the way out. 

*The short speech briefly mentions some periods where he was in mental health crisis, just be aware in case it might be triggering.