This year Ace Week (or what used to be called “Asexual Awareness Week”) runs from October 25th–31st. The below is a classic Huffington Post image which helps represent the various romantic and sexual orientations people might have. This was one of the first graphics I experienced around asexuality and one which planted the seed that I might be ace.
The difference between the right word and the almost right word is really a large matter – it is the difference between the lightning and the lightning bug. Mark Twain
For me one of the many strengths of our community is providing language so others have words to express what they are feeling and what those they care about are feeling. One such area is language around the different types of attractions that people experience. Attraction is a complex and complicated concept and shows why it is always important to have good communication so we know what others are experiencing and what their expectations might be for a particular relationship. This is important no matter where you fall on the gender, romantic, or sexual spectrums.
Ace week is important for me and for other Aces because it reminds us that we are not alone and that we have a history to explore for ourselves. Asexuality (and aromanticism) are becoming better known by the public at large but there are still too many people who don't have words to describe what they are experiencing and this can lead to a lack of a sense of belonging. So this Ace Week make sure you know you are beloved, you are loved, and you belong for exactly who you are.
Sometimes that which is noteworthy is also bitter, bittersweet.
In the new documentary Francesco, Pope Francis says same-sex couples should be “legally covered” by civil union laws and “homosexuals have a right to be a part of the family.”
Now I understand how noteworthy this is because historically the catholic church has struggled with the truth that all people are made in Gods imagine, that all people are beloved, that all people deserve basic human dignity. On the other hand it is 2020 for crying out load and that fact that everyone who is part of the greater LGBTQ+ community still face those who do not see them as human or worthy based solely on who they love and care about and want to create families with is mind blowing.
October is LGBTQ+ History Month and I know that fighting for our rights has been a long, long process filled with those who want to stand in our way and harm us just because we want to live our lives. I understand some of this history but honestly there are moments when it comes in relief and I struggle with the fact that we are still fighting for these rights. I am tired of having to go over the same ground again and again and again.
Searching for words, When a pretty high up faith mucky muck
Seems to support at least civil unions for your found siblings
But even though this is noteworthy, still struggling with the fact
In 2020 this is still noteworthy, that there are still those who don’t
Believe that my found siblings/found family are beloved, are loved
This should not be noteworthy, all my found siblings should
Be able to marry if they want, Be able to be family if they want
Not face discrimination in any shape or size or squiggle or time
Not be told love, family, connection, and belonging are somehow wrong
Yes this is noteworthy, Yes I am glad, But also feeling Bittersweet
"Who is good and who is wicked all depends on where you stand."
"Every witch was someone's princess in some other once upon a time."
This song "Not the Villain" fits some of where my head has been recently as I think about what makes a villain. I think a villain is just someone who you don't know their backstory yet. For example me and my roommate have now watched a handful of episodes of Legends of Tomorrow and the character I have fallen the most for is My Blue Thief aka Captain Cold, aka Leonard Snart. Honestly he simply seems the most interesting dare I say coolest (Hay in fanfiction he is known for his puns)
Some of this is falling for the character in the actual show, some is researching the actors backstory, and some is reading some fanfiction, ok tons of fanfiction. And while I know he has played a part in the wider DC TV universe, which I have not seen, I struggle with the idea that he seems to be considered a troublemaker in that wider universe. (Ok he is a thief and I don't know how well he sings but I think of him like a Jean Valjean)
I am glad he is part of the adorable band of misfits aka Legends of Tomorrow but at least so far it feels like Captain Swishy Coat (Rip Hunter) is pulling a timelord when they always used to go we can't interfere so lets send The Doctor to do it for us instead silliness. (Or episodes of star trek where they mention the prime directive or try to use the holodeck) Plus Captain Swishy Coat boy needs to take a "how to manage a team" course or something since so far 1/2 way through season 1 he is really really bad at it.
I think I like Blue Thief the way I like a bunch of adorable characters who clearly just need a big hug, some therapy, and some time to process. I think many if not most of the characters who are considered "bad" (at least considered "bad" during some parts of their timelines) are really just adorable misfits who care too much and don't know how to express their emotions well. I am also always impressed with how they have codes of conduct which are clearer than most "good" characters codes.
Supernatural:
Crowley: This isn't Wall Street, this is Hell. We have integrity.
God, the Devil and Bob
Bob providing God + The Devil Therapy
Lucifer (TV Show)
Lucifer Morningstar :
He shunned me. He vilified me. He made me a torturer! Can you even begin to fathom what it was like? Eons spent providing a place for dead mortals to punish themselves? I mean, why do they blame me for all their little failings? As if I'd spent my days sitting on their shoulder, forcing them to commit acts they'd otherwise find repulsive. "Oh, the Devil made me do it." I HAVE NEVER MADE ANY ONE OF THEM DO ANYTHING. Never.
So on this cold and rainy evening I may raise a cup of Hot Cocoa with mini marshmallows to all those who are misunderstood and be there for these characters if only in my daydreams. And for my superhero team I call dibs on Blue Thief, Red Thief, Loki, Lucifer, Pete, Chasten, Jarvis, Gideon and a small handful of Gods. Boy what adventures we would have :)
When I was in high school I had a teacher who called me an optimistic realist. This concept can probably best be shown by the dialogue I had with "the universe" (what others might call God/Goddess/Love/….) which basically went I trust that you have a plan but I do not give up my right to complain. Which meant I had "conversations" like I know you are teaching me patience, but right now I don't want to learn patience. (But I do remember a time when a whole string of things had happened and then I was stung by a bug and I was like that is too far universe, and I could tell the universe went oops you are right the bug was too much and let me off the hook for a little while)
I have to admit that this election cycle has been really really hard. Just knowing how in so many ways my life, my identity, my humanity and the humanity of my communities is up on the ballot. It has been challenging to stay optimistic during this year called 2020. In today's Deciding Decade Podcast my Pete talks with Billy Porter and one takeaways was the importance of knowing our history so we can place what we are currently experiencing within that context in order to stay optimistic.
I also have recently been watching several Wentworth Miller interviews/conversations including one at Oxford Union Society back in 2016 where he gave some good advice (in the context of mental health but works in many other contexts too).
What I will say is that self-expression is huge. Having a container in which to put what is boiling up inside of you, your anger, your fear, your guilt, your shame, finding ways to get that out – maybe it’s on paper, maybe it’s on a canvas, maybe it’s a jog around a school track – just get it out of you, as soon as it bubbles up, work to get it out.
Personally I tend to put what I am feeling into daydreams, fandom, fanfiction reading, poetry, this blog but I also know I sometimes struggle to really know what emotions I am feeling in a particular moment or to be able to separate my emotions from the emotions around me. Spending the energy and time to know what you are really feeling is important when life becomes a big ball of aggghhhh.
Another thing is self-care. Just moments where I am doing what I need to do to make sure that I vibrate at the right frequency that might look like burning some sage, that might look like dinner out with a friend, that might look like a bath with Epsom salts – just the things that I need to do for myself that are small, doable, affordable, that nourish me.
To this affect today after several daydream adventures which ended up with fictional characters and/or actors getting me a weighted blanket, when I found a cheap one ($25 vs the several hundred they sometimes cost) while doing some errands I grabbed it. It was a self-care item that turned out was within my budget. (So far it has been really nice)
Right now I know how hard it is to be optimistically realistic. When it feels like we are all stuck in an end of season the world is ending episode time can feel very sticky and thick. But in moments of sticky/thick time remember all those episodes from fiction and history and remember it always comes down to connecting with others, holding out your hand to those with less privilege, and showing the darkness that it will not win if we simply keep going.
Oh, people like us we've gotta stick together
Keep your head up, nothing lasts forever
Here's to the damned to the lost and forgotten
It's hard to get high when you're living on the bottom
A day to celebrate those who are exploring their identity
A day to celebrate those whispers of our inner hearts
For some it is new and exciting
For some it is big and bold and wild
For some it is quiet
It does not matter if you are newly out
It does not matter if you have been out for ages
It does not matter if you are not out at all
Welcome
Welcome
Welcome
You are part of a wider community
You are part of a wider family
You are part of something greater than yourself
Filled with found identity
Filled with found family
Filled with found connection
And you Belong
And you are Beloved
And you are Loved
Today is National Coming Out Day
A day to celebrate those who have come out
A day to celebrate those who are exploring their identity
A day to celebrate those whispers of our inner hearts
I know that for some we have been out for so long we may forget what it was like to come out that first time, while others are in places and spaces that never will be safe to be open about their identities. The thing about today as National Coming Our Day is no matter if you are coming out to yourself, or coming out to the public in a very public way this day is for you.
If you have access to the internet you can join a virtual event today or listen to a podcast by someone in the wider LGBTQ+ family or watch a YouTube speech or simply explore what identities might fit you in this moment of time. And for those who are not ready to share with others or are not in a safe space to do so know you are still seen and heard and celebrated this day.
Finally if you are in a physical space or mental space which feels isolating or lonely know while you may have to do some searching there are always others like you, no matter if you can see them or not, who want to welcome you with open arms and show you the ropes of this amazing community.
Stay safe both physically and mentally and have a wonderful National Coming Our Day.
This week is Mental Illness Awareness Week. An important week because so many of us suffer at one time or another in our lives, but all too rarely do we give voice to those experiences. I know there have been times when I have been in dark places mentally, even if no particular label ever quite fit right, but found I did not always have the words to describe what I was feeling.
When I find myself in those dark places I tend to turn to fanfiction and YouTube clips by people who understand how wonky brains can be. I have found I have felt the most connected to and the most inspired by those who are willing to talk about their mental illness experiences (especially when it comes down to writers, actors, creators, and characters.) Often it can feel like on one hand I know these famous people better than the individuals I see in my day to day life and on the other hand I have enough distance from them that I feel I can really connect to them. I can have intense conversations/adventures in my head with them which means I can process my experience without always having to put it in words or put it into words that others would understand.
So in honor of the power these individuals have had on my life here are some such individuals who have been open about their own struggles and who have powerfully spoken about mental health issues. These are just a few who have stood out to me and this is in no way a diverse or all encompassing list.
(There will be a bunch of links to YouTube which do not normally show up well if you are getting this blog via email, I highly recommend you click through and view this post directly on my blog.)
Trigger Warning: Mental illness topics, up to and including, suicidal ideation are included in some of the below celebrity talks/discussions.
For me I first was introduced to Robbie Thompson as part of DePaul's Pop Culture Conference: A Celebration Of Supernatural. Many of the cast members have been really open with their own mental health struggles but I believe I only learned that at the conference and afterwards since I had only recently joined the fandom solely because it was that years Pop Culture Conference topic.
Also since the conference I have run into Robbie Thompson occasionally (The last several years at C2E2 where he always remembers me which always surprises me and makes me feel good :) ) so I don't remember exactly what was said at DePaul, what was said later, and what I read online. I do remember at DePaul him speaking about his own struggles with anxiety. In later discussions (at other cons) he also has talked about going to therapy.
He wrote an amazing run of Silk where Silk (another spider person in the Spiderman universe) is actually seen to be going to therapy which is super rare in comics. Note: emphasis added is mine and Cindy refers to Cindy Moon aka Silk.
Showing Cindy’s reluctance and then showing her actually going to therapy felt integral to making sure that decision felt authentic. It’s a moment that I think a lot of people initially have when it comes to therapy. I mean, when I needed help, I was in denial about it, thinking—therapy, shmerapy. And I’m the son of a therapist! I’m so grateful I went, but it took a while to get me there. So, we wanted to show the reality of that decision, and, while we’re not trying to be preachy, it was important to show therapy as a normal process, that shouldn’t have any shame or stigma associated with it. It’s normal to go to therapy, and it’s normal to resist going. But in the end: if you’re willing to do the work and you have a great therapist, it can help. I’ve benefited enormously from therapy over the years—it’s changed my life. (From the article Silk Goes To Therapy: An Interview With Robbie Thompson C.P Hoffman, Apr 13 2016)
Writer Graham Moore (The Imitation Game (Film), The Sherlockian, The Last Days of Night…)
The film the The Imitation Game has a special place in my heart because while going through a rough patch it became my "why get up in the morning and face the day". Even before it was released I became invested mainly because I discovered it was about what I was to learn was the brilliant gay scientist Alan Turning, and he was going to be played by Benedict Cumberbatch. I spent a lot of time following it as it was slowly released to theaters.
And then Graham Moore gave his amazing Oscar speech where he talked about his own struggles with mental health as a Kid. Which is the Oscar speech I have most re-watched/re-listened too (Probably only second to Lin-Manuel's Tony speech for Hamilton that was in honor of Pulse)
Actor Will Wheaton (Star Trek, Big Bang Theory, Gaming, …)
I think I had a vague remembrance that Will Wheaton was from star trek when he came to C2E2 (Chicago Comics and Entertainment Expo) and I ended up catching him during a short interview on the floor of the show, talking about gaming. This was where I learned about his own struggles (I follow him on Facebook and he is very open about his mental health struggles and when he is having good days and when he is having bad days)
Wil Wheaton gave a really interesting talk on Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Chronic Depression, and Recovery. I can relate to sometimes making irrational choices about if I should do something/participate in something. The line "I am learning how to human" also tends to hit me somehow.
Writer Mary Robinette Kowal (Glamourist Histories series, Lady Astronaut of Mars series, …)
I know Mary Robinette Kowal and we have met a few times but she knows my dad better then we know each other.
I knew what depression looked like. I had tons of friends who dealt with it and who are open about it. So, I called my doctor to make an appointment. My internalization of the stigma of mental illness was so ingrained, that I made the appointment to have a mole on my back looked at.
In hindsight, I’ve probably dealt with this off and on for my entire life, but last year, I tried to push past it and pretend I was fine. And it became crippling. Now I have tools to handle it. I’m better about self-care, so that I don’t let things become crippling again. I am trying to treat it like having a broken arm and be very matter-of-fact about it. Though, really, it’s more like having dysentery, because it traps you at home and no one wants to hear about it.
Second I remember a very moving story during a panel at C2E2 (And if you are seeing a connection between fandom, conventions, and mental health discussions you are right :) and maybe why I turn to fandom when I am in a dark place) about the importance of these discussions.
Mary Robinette Kowal talked about how one of her characters had a panic attack in one of her stories and how she included some resources at the end of the novel for readers. One older reader contacted her about the experience of the character and was like that is what I have experienced my whole life. The reader did not know what they were experiencing was a panic attack and that there was tools and ways to manage it. The reader had gone their whole lives feeling alone and scared until they read this particular bit of the book. The take away was we all need to keep talking about these issues so others know they are not alone.
Actor Wentworth Miller (Legends of Tomorrow, Prison break, …)
So very recently me and my roommate have started to watch the show Legends of Tomorrow from the start. While we have watched a lot of superhero works it has been mainly Marvel and neither of us have gotten into the DC TV universe yet so there are clearly things and backstory to Legends of Tomorrow that we have not gotten. To fill in these holes I have done a little research on some of the characters.
One character who has stood out to me is who I called Blue Thief (vs his partner Red Thief) and now often just call Blue (Real Character name is Captain Cold) which led me to lookup more info on the character, the characters backstory, and the actor. (My roommate may be correct and right now he may be one of my celebrity "squishes" Ok Ok he is one of my current celebrity "squishes" LOL) and this research led me to discover a wide range of amazing and moving and personal speeches Wentworth Miller has made over the years.
HRC Dinner Speech where he goes into the long term impact of growing up in survivor mood and how that creates I/Me thinking not Us/We thinking and makes the idea of community complex. He also briefly mentions an suicide attempt when he was 15.
Active minds speech where he talks about the mental health challenges he has faced especially in college. While my college experience was easier then many I understand the pressure of programs where you are supposed to be the "best and the brightest" and where others seemed to have their lives all planed out and together. As Wentworth Miller puts it "those who always knew they were going to be a doctor and a lawyer and a chemical engineer on the weekends " I also love his honestly about how hard it is to talk about mental health issues in public forums. In this speech he briefly mentions an suicide attempt when he was a freshmen in college.
I know I have talked about mental health before and I am sure I will once again on this blog but in the end what I want you to take away from this long post is
So many of us suffer in someway or another
We all need to find sources of help and encouragement (Fandom, Celebrities, Speeches, Therapy…) when we are in those places
Sharing our personal stories with mental illness and other challenging and painful experiences both helps ourselves and helps those who hear us and know that they are not alone, that they are seen, that they belong, and that there are others who know the way out of the hole.
And if you have gotten this far in this blog post you deserve a song. So here is "You Will Be Found" from Dear Evan Hansen.
I recently finished one of the season's new books, which was perfect to read this month which I have dedicated to magic (Because I hope magic will distract me from stressing about our nation right now.)
As I wrote in my Goodreads review of the story:
This is proof of why we need new authors to bring their amazing voices to others. We need more Trans Latinx protagonists dealing with issues of identity, cultural acceptance, love, day of the dead, ghosts, and magic in the stories we love. We need more people to see themselves in the stories they read. We need more stories that are so successful as showing there is never a single story about a community. This is both an important book for us to all read while also being just an amazing story. It is always great when important books are so enjoyable to read. I recommend you read this book.
As I said in my review one thing which stood out from the story was how wonderfully it showed how there is never a single story for a community or a group of people. (Check out Chimamanda Adichie's classic Ted Talk on the subject of why this is so important)
An example of this is this description of the day of the dead that occurs towards the end of the story (Spoiler-free don't worry) which brings this idea of multiple stories into relief.
During Dia de Muertos, you could really see how the diverse cultures of the brujx came together in celebration. Ecuadorian colada morada -- a sweet, purple corn juice made with berries -- was passed around in plastic cups. Brujos from El Salvador brought honeyed pumpkin to share. The Haitian families always brought plenty of homemade beeswax candles for decorating ofrendas and tombstones. Andean t'anta wawa -- fruit-filled sweet rolls in the shape of babies ... ( p282-283 in my copy)
This diversity of stories is also shown for the LGBTQ+ community. Not only is the main character Trans and learning to be confident in who he really is but there is another character (who plays a smaller role) who also is trans which helps show a different perspective. One of the many many reasons this story is so good is how wonderfully Aiden Thomas is able to organically create a really diverse community of characters along every spectrum you can think of: socio-economic, connection to family, acceptance by others ...
I really enjoyed this book and as I said at the beginning of this post this book highlights the need for new voices to write books about new experiences so that more and more of us all can see ourselves in the stories we read.
