Identity and Fandom: Part 2

Last week I discussed how I connect with fandom. 

I recommend, if you have not already done so, to read that post first.

(This Week's Warning: Mild language in materiel referenced)

Being a part of fandom is so intertwined with my identity that I forget that everyone does not feel as comfortable expressing it as I do. I love the above meme about outward expressions of our fandom. For me wearing something spotlighting one of my fandoms is indeed a way to start conversations. I may have no idea what to say to you when we meet but if we connect over a fandom the words come easier.

I have never been shy around expressing my shows. Just a few examples:

• I have, on more then a handful of occasions, worn my Doctor Who fez and bow tie out and about: To the bank, To the Grocery Store, To Church. 
• Last fall I bought a TARDIS zip up sweater is was labeled a "costume" piece but I have worn it almost everyday it has been cold since.
• I now have 4 Supernatural (SPN) Shirts (3 of which are from various Always Keep Fighting Campaigns), a beanie, and a tote bag.

For me these outward expressions are both a way to interact with other people, and a security blanket of sorts. And I have had the opportunity to be surrounded by family and friends who understand the importance of fandom to my identity. But recently I was reminded that not everyone expresses there love of fandom in the same ways.

On this particular day I was wearing one of my Always Keep Fighting SPN T-shirts at work and someone in another department came up to me and said "Now I saw you halfway across the store, so I am not sure, but did I see you wearing a Supernatural Shirt?" We ended up having a 10 min conversation about the show and the fandom. One thing he said, that struck me was "Yea most people don't want to admit they are fans of Supernatural".

It was interesting because I had not really thought in terms of how a fandom like SPN was seen by others. I loved the show and the Supernatural Family. I loved Random Acts, and Always Keep Fighting, and You Are Not Alone. Of course I would proudly show my love. The SPN community jokes about how challenging it can be to explain the show to others

And how Supernatural has a GIF for everything including apple-eating llamas, toilet paper, life-ruining leaves, Angels caressing a pineapple, Bathing satan, Definite articles etc but I forgot that what makes us amazing and goofy and fun, might not be understood by others. I am able to see that we must look pretty strange to outsiders but on the other hand it brings me so much joy I would not want to stop being a fan. 

Going back to the C2E2 panel (from last weeks post) there was a suggestion that some fandoms are seen as more important or more valid by both mass cultural as well as other fans. I traditionally have gotten into shows with really dedicated fandoms which means that no matter the actual number of fans it feels like "everyone" is a fan. The way I see fandoms they are like favorite colors or favorite flavors of ice cream. Everyone can have a different favorite one since there is no right or wrong answers. Love the shows you love and don't pay attention to those who say what you love is wrong.

Next week I will explore the intersections between claiming a fandom for your identity while acknowledging that your fandom is problematic. (And yes ALL fandoms are problematic in some way so it is important to collectively reflect on what we love)

How have fandoms you been a part of been viewed? 

How have you viewed other fandoms? 

Comment below.

Identity and Fandom: Part 1

I did not make it to C2E2 (Chicago Comics and Entertainment Expo) this year but the audio from one of the panels has been posted by The Pop Culture Lens Podcast. The panel was called: The Dark Side of Fandom: Shaming, Infighting and Harassment in Fan Spaces and explored from an academic viewpoint why these types of negativity repeatedly are found in fandom. There was tons of interesting conversation and I recommend you listen to the whole panel.

One part which stood out to me was around fandom as an identity. At one point (around min 24:30) Professor Paul Booth discusses how there is a culture around fandom which is "Preprofessional". There is a idea that fans are using fandom as training to be something more (a writer, a producer, a game designer, a artist ....) At one point he throws out the question "Why is "being a fan" not a good identity to be? Why is it a stepping stone?"

This made me think about my Identity as a fan. While the media I am a fan of changes over time being a fan is one of my main identities. I express my fan identity through connecting deeply with characters, often more deeply then with "real" people. I use the experiences of characters to help me understand the experiences of other people. My general attitude is if it is something that a character is experiencing it is likely it is something others have experienced.

One way I express this connection is through prayer request.(Shout out to all the Pastors who were very understanding of these)

After watching the movie musical Les Mis:

So for anyone who is facing a barricade in their life, or needs to leave their past behind, or is, was, or will be in love, or is struggling to face the fact that life is uncertain, or is facing the unfairness of systems, or anyone else, you are loved. May you have peace and a really big hug from me.

After reading the novel The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay by Michael Chabon

For all Superheros both masked and fictional and unmasked and real. For all creators of art and for all consumers of art. For all those trying to escape something in their lives. For all Golems. For all immigrants, refugees, and travelers. For all those who find themselves somewhere (physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually) which is not their home. For all dealing with the repercussions of sadness or anger or fear. For all past, present, and future who have been unable to be themselves because they feared repression. For all the objects and ideas people deposit their hope and trust and faith into so that it can be personified. For magic in all its forms. For all impacted by war. For the power of story. For love in all its forms. 

After an episode of Supernatural

Prayers of Understanding, Reconciliation, and Communication for Supernatural's God and The Darkness. Prayers for anyone whose relationship with their families is difficult or complex. Prayers for the individuals who are always hurt the most when Giants have Temper Tantrums. Prayers for our universes God (Since God does not get enough prayers wishing her a good day and reminding her she is loved too like she loves all of us). And General Prayers for all people for Love and Kindness and Smiles and Joy.

And sometimes I express myself through poems (Spoilers for season 11 Supernatural)

The sacred can be found in the everyday
If you are open to seeing
Or maybe it was simply some magic
The magic of Ash Wednesday?
The magic of mindreading storytellers?
The magic of common experience?

But as I watched the “Brothers moment”*
At the end of last night episode of SPN
I was moved: My heart strangely warmed?
No tears felt the pull of gravity
But my soul took to flight

We each carry different “Darknesses”
Have different monsters we have to hunt
But we never had a choice
And need to forgive ourselves for our battles
We all live in different colored glass castles
That can be dashed by a puff of wind

And sometimes the first steps are
To admit to our Darknesses
To admit that sometimes we don’t even have the words we need to explain
To admit that joy and apathy and passion and depression and healing
Can be so intertwined they have become one

“We want to kill the Darkness.
We need to kill the Darkness.
And (we) don't think (we) can.”
But we have others who “got it”
And we have to trust that this is enough
Trust that we can slay each other’s monsters

* SPN Season 11 Episode 13 Love Hurts
Dean: No, she can't be.
Sam: Why not?
Dean: Why? Because if she was, then that means I'm-
Sam: Means you're what? Complicit? Weak? Evil?
Dean: For starters, yeah.
Sam: Dean, do you honestly think you ever had a choice in the matter? She's the sister of God. And for some reason she picked you, and that sucks, but if you think I'm gonna blame you or judge you, I'm not.
Dean: … We want to kill the Darkness. We need to kill the Darkness. And I don't think I can. I'm sorry to do that to you, you know? But when it comes down to it...
Sam: I got it Dean.

I predominantly connect to fandom through characters, and express fandom through writing (prayers, poems, short stories, ...). Others connect to fandom in different ways. Some know every camera angel, every writer and every director, Some make elaborate and detailed cosplay outfits. Some connect deeply through the lens of gender or sexuality or race.

How do you connect with the fandoms you love? Comment Below

The next part of this series is on how my fandoms are seen by others.

P.S. Shout out to my international readers. So far individuals in Poland, Germany, France, The UK and Pakistan have read my blog  :)

"All Women Are Goddesses As All Men Are God ...."

I recently read Miracleman by Gaiman and Buckingham which was good, and odd, and made me feel a bit bittersweet and sad about life in the end. But one line jumped out at me:  

"All Women are Goddesses As All Men Are God ...."

The segment the quote is from is about what make us beautiful or important or powerful does not depend on what we look like. But the idea that we are all holy reminds me of an old Buddhist story which roughly goes:

There were three very old monks who worried about their monastery since few visited anymore. They consulted a wise man who after deep thought said "I had a vision of Buddha and I saw that one of you three is the Buddha but I can't tell you which one." Each Monk concluded that they themselves was Buddha. Day by day mutual tolerance increased and slowly the atmosphere of the monastery began to transform, and gradually filled with love. Visitors and Disciples came back and the monastery was once again vibrant and joyful."When we perceive everything in us as divine, we can then attain liberation. Love is the way to attain liberation – this is the fundamental truth".

Or as Ambassador Delenn put in the show Babylon 5

We are starstuff, we are the universe made manifest, trying to figure itself out. As we have both learned, sometimes the universe requires a change of perspective.

What would our world look like if we truly believed that we were Gods and everyone we met was a God too. Maybe like me you are thinking "But I don't feel like a God". But maybe whatever we are experiencing (Sorrow or Pain or Joy or Elation or Numbness ....) is because we are living in solidarity with the emotions of others, or providing pathways for others to stand in solidarity with us. And Yes each of those things is easier said then done, especially when we are in the middle of our adventure, so far away from where we started, and still so far away from the final battle which will set everything right.

A while back I was asked to reflect on one of my Pastor's sermons and I wrote a poem which touched on this idea of solidarity and understanding:

What stood out to me,

Was between being a snarky pre-teen and being baptized

Jesus likely lost his father Joseph

Which reminded me he had an untraditional family

With two daddies and one mommy

Which got me to think of what also might have occurred

In the in-between years

Maybe he suffered depression or anxiety

Maybe he had to be told to “Always Keep Fighting” too

Maybe there were times as he stood in the carpentry shop

And he wished to be anywhere else

Anywhere else at all.

Maybe he dreamed of being a dancer, or a writer, or something else entirely

Maybe there were days he could not dream at all

Maybe what gave him hope on the long days was something no one else understood

Maybe it was something he did not understand himself

Maybe he had his first crush on a boy

Or maybe a girl

Or maybe someone had a crush on him

Which confused him since he was ace

Maybe he learned practical jokes from the Angel Gabriel

Maybe he put on scavenger hunts like GISHWHES

Maybe he and his friends created a band

There are so many Maybes,

So many might have beens

But in this moment my heart cries out

For all who are experiencing any or all of these things

And Jesus while you are a character I never quite know what to do with

In this moment I stand in solidarity with what you experienced in Life

And hope you do that same for us

And sometimes as we believe ourselves to be Gods we will feel like The Wizard in The Wizard of Oz and hope no one looks behind the curtain. But we all need to remember that The Wizard was able to help The Scarecrow, The Tin Man, The Lion, and Dorothy simply by reminding them that they had always had the power to begin with.

"All Women are Goddesses As All Men Are God ...." What might this mean to you?

A Case Study of Characters and Trauma: The Winchesters

(This post contains heavy spoilers for the show Supernatural especially through season 5)

I have recently finished reading John Winchester's Journal by Alex Irvine which is a type of prequel to the TV show Supernatural. John Winchester is a character which fans are often divided on. On one hand he was clearly not "parent of the year" on the other it is clear that he loves his children deeply and would do anything to protect them. As I read his Journal I found that many of John's paradoxes seem to stem from his inability to truly process the death of Mary Winchester. 

When John loses his wife, he falls back on what he knows best, being a soldier. The Supernatural universe which killed Mary becomes The Enemy. And everyday life becomes a battle. His mission is to get revenge for Mary. For him family always comes first in the same way a military squad becomes a "Band of brothers". He expects his son's to follow his orders because, in the middle of a battle, it is life and death. Winning this battle against the Supernatural becomes all consuming in his life and the lives of his children.  

John expects that Dean, who was 4 when Mary died, to be responsible for his baby brother Sam. Dean is to guard Sam with his life. This is a lot to put on a young child's head and Dean feel this responsibility very deeply. Sam follows a different path and John struggles to understand. Sam who was 6 months when Mary died, handles the trauma by dreaming of a normal life. Sam resents the Constant moving, Constant training, Constant fighting. I think some of this resentment comes from Sam seeing his father putting the mission to avenge Mary ahead of anything else, including his children. And Sam is correct in this veiw, as John himself writes 

I can't understand him, and he doesn't try to understand me. Typical father-son trouble, but it feels worse because neither one of us can talk about what happened to his mother. He wants to be in one place, live a normal life. The older he gets, the more he wants it. But the older he gets, the more I'm going to need him to help on the hunt. He's got to understand that. We will finish this quest, and he's going to be a part of it p 120-121

As someone who has experienced trauma, and likely has some form of PTSD, John struggles in providing a stable lifestyle for his children. And this is hard on the few other Hunters who call them friends like Bobby. Bobby sees Sam and Dean as his boys. Bobby also understands why John is obsessed. because all hunters have a similar story, but he also sees that Sam and Dean need something more too. Bobby becomes a second father which is something Sam and Dean needed, but still struggles to explain that their father loves them despite not knowing how to show it. 

After John is killed, Sam and Dean continue to struggle with how to respond to the traumas they face everyday in their work as Hunters. Both deal with the paradox of the call towards "Saving People, Hunting Things, The Family Business" and the call towards a normal life. Depending on the season the strength of these calls changes. But one constant is this struggle, because they know that they can never have both. You can't fight monsters and have a normal family with 2.5 kids and a picket fence. 

Sam and Dean discover the only thing they can cling to is each other. And while 11 seasons in they still struggle to talk to each other about what they are feeling or experiencing (Since these were not skills John taught them), they do find their own ways to tell each other that they will stand by each other until the very end. Nothing is able to keep them apart for long. Something that Angels and Demons, and Heaven and Hell and Purgatory, and Death himself have all had to learn.

John turns out to be human. Reading his journal I realized that while he coping mechanism were not healthy he did find way to cope after a fashion. Despite raising his children as soldiers, they grew up to be amazing individuals in their own right. John made plenty of mistakes and never learned to work through his trauma but he still loved his children. And in the end Sam and Dean have to find their own ways to process the traumas in their lives. And like any journey in life there are times the path is smooth and times the path dead ends, and times the path disappears completely.  

What characters have you seen process trauma well? What characters have you seen struggle to do so?