Reflections On My Connections To Gender

In yesterdays post I covered my relationship to disability and disability communities after reading Care Work Dreaming Disability Justice by Leah Piepzna-Samarasinha. 

In that post I said I would share my relationship to other identities throughout this week. Today I am exploring my relationship gender.

I identify as a cis-gendered woman

My pronouns are She/Hers/Any 

Who is a woman?

Because of my intersectionality, I have a very inclusive understanding of gender. Honestly, as someone who is Ace-Aro, I don't care at all about what reproductive organs someone has or does not have. I feel like reproductive organs have little to no impact on me personally.

Who is a woman? Anyone who considers themselves a woman, so trans women are 100% women in my book, and in some ways, I would say they are more "woman" than many cis-gendered women because they have had to be more thoughtful about gender and their relationship to gender. 

You can see some of this in some of my previous posts this month highlighting women for Women's History Month. I worked to make sure I included many wonderful Trans women because they are key figures in women's history.

What is my relationship to my gender?

Considering I identify as a cis-gendered woman and use She/Hers/Any pronouns, my relationship with my own gender is complex. Identifying as a cis-gendered woman feels more like I never got around to or never bothered to change my factory settings because they work well enough.

I will say in my own head that everyone's default pronouns are they/them, and I love individuals and groups that basically use they/them for everyone, including me. While I love they/them pronouns, I also often doubt I am cool enough to use them, so I have defaulted to She/Hers/Any.

While I identify as a cis-gendered woman, my connection to that identity is much weaker than to many of my other identities. So while I will check the cis-gendered woman box on forms, etc., I would not say I particularly "feel like a woman." 

What is my relationship to gender in communities?

In many ways, I tend to be more comfortable in mixed-gender or nerdy queer neurodivergent male-centered spaces than I am in predominantly female-centered spaces. Most of my deepest parasocial relationships and connections happen to be with characters who happen to be male but are some combination of nerdy, queer, neurodivergent, or struggling with mental health challenges. 

I think part of this is because I more strongly connect with parts of my identity, such as being an aro-ace, self-identified autistic person with few support needs who has struggled with mental health challenges, than I do as a "woman." So spaces and communities that center being nerdy, queer, neurodivergent, or having mental health struggles feel more welcoming.

In addition, spaces and communities that center on being nerdy, queer, neurodivergent, or having mental health struggles make more sense to me. I feel like I have a better awareness and understanding of the assumptions being made within those spaces. 

What is my relationship to gender in woman-centered spaces?

Over the years, I have been in some women-centered groups* where I struggled to feel like I belonged because there was an assumed baseline that I either didn't personally experience or was not aware of. I have been in some such spaces that seem to be focused on how hard it is to be a woman, which has rarely been the personal experience I have been aware of. 

For example, years ago I once went to a women's retreat, and I struggled because it felt like it was centered on how hard it was to be a woman and a desire to talk about feelings. At one point, the retreat leadership put down a retreat that the men had done, which was activity-based and more scheduled programming, and I remember thinking, "But I think I would have enjoyed that retreat better."

I am also now aware that some of this tension may have been more centered on my, at that time unknown to me, neurodivergence than my actual relationship with gender, but it is still true that I did not feel comfortable in these woman-centered spaces because my own experiences have been so different and I found the baseline assumptions in these groups to be confusing.

Gender, Relationships, and Community

In summary, I identify as a cis-gendered woman whose pronouns are She/Hers/Any but I don't feel a deep connection to that identity nor to spaces that center that experience. I tend to be drawn to characters, communities, and connections with spaces that center being nerdy, queer, neurodivergent, or having mental health struggles. 

*Groups that are intentionally women-centered: if I go to a book club and everyone happens to be women, that feels different because it is a book-centered space; the same is true if, say, a panel on how to write women characters has only women panelists; the writing process is what is being centered.